TheAmbassadorOfRomanceInVenus's blog: "A Smiley"

Dedicated to all those female single thirtysomethings who dearly wish to be sexbombs but can't quite pull it off! I am a thirty something. I met a guy named Paul. He really was delightful in fact, he had it all! He took me to a hotel a lovely stately home he looked at me seductively switched off his mobile phone We dined and he romanced me bought me flowers and wine then whisked me up the staircase to room one ninety nine Naked he did carry me into the bathroom suite he'd filled the place with candles put down the toilet seat! He placed me in the bubbles and gave a sensual laugh but the ambiance soon vanished when I farted in the bath.

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?" he asked. "No, Father. Just a little gas," Sister Susan explained. A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight. "Gaining some more weight are we Sister Susan?" he asked again. "Oh no, Father. Just a little gas," she replied again. A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said,... "Cute little fart." ************ ********* ********* ********* A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with the old farmer; "I need to inspect your farm." The old farmer said, "You better not go in that field." The Agriculture representative said in a "wise" tone, "I have the authority of the U. S. Government with me. See this card, I am allowed to go wherever I wish on agricultural land." So the old farmer went about his farm chores. Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture rep running for the fence; close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets, and the bull was gaining at every step. "Help," the rep shouted to the farmer, "what should I do?" he screamed helplessly. The old farmer, hooking his thumbs in his overalls, called out: "Show him your card!" ************ ********* ********* ********* Farmer Jones lives with his tame bear in the remote country with only dirt access roads. His tame bear had been naughty that day so he put him in the barn and said "you stay here until you learn how to behave yourself". Shortly afterwards it begin to rain (a real heavy down pour). About an hour later a travelling salesman got stuck in the mud and asked the Farmer for a place to stay. The Farmer told him he didn't have room in the house, however he could stay in the barn. He told the salesman there were no lights in the barn and his tame bear was in the barn. The Farmer said the bear would not bother him. The salesman went to the barn. Later another travelling salesman got stuck in the mud and the Farmer told him about the barn-no lights and the tame bear. Salesmen left for barn. One hour later a woman got stuck in the mud and approached the Farmer. He told her about the barn and mentioned the two travelling salesmen (he was so concerned about the salesmen he forgot to mention the bear). The woman said I can take care of myself and left for the barn. Two hours later the Farmer was awakened by heavy knocking at the door. When opening the door the woman was standing there with her clothes torn and rumpled. The Farmer said good heavens what happened to you?. The woman replied I give up on human nature,the first guy gave me forty dollars,the second guy gave me fifty dollars,but that cheap bastard in the fur coat never even said thanks. ************ ********* ********* ********* The businessman spent a good half an hour in the hotel lounge bragging to the hooker about how big his dick was. Finally she suggested they retire to his room and check it out, and he willingly agreed. The guy stripped off his clothes, jumped on top of the hooker, entered her, and said triumphantly, "Why don't you open your mouth, baby, so I can see the end of my prick?" "Open my mouth?" scoffed the hooker. "Why don't you wiggle your ass so I can feel it?" ------------ --------- --------- --------- Two cannibals, a father and son, were out trying to get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came a little old man. The son said, "Oh, Dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait." A little while later, along came a really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's big enough." "No", the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait." About an hour later, there came this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one Dad, let's eat her." "No," said the father. "Were not going to eat her either." "Why not?" asked the son. "Because, we're going to take her back alive, and eat your mother." ------------ --------- --------- --------- The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is," he replied. "Breakfast." ------------ --------- --------- --------- John was talking to Alan. "So, Alan, how's it going with the ladies?" "Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects." "Really?" asked John. "Yep," says Alan. "Whenever I mention sex, they object." ************ ********* ********* *********

Good Moaning,Hopefully You Enjoy Your Coffee With A Smile.

A doctor in Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he told his assistant "Ya Ole, I am going hunting tomorrow and we don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of our patients". "Yes, sir..." answers Ole. The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day and asks: "So Ole, how was your day?" Ole tells him he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache, so I gave him TYLENOL." "Bravo! Ya, Ole, and the second one?" says the doctor. "The second one had stomach burning, and I gave him MAALOX, sir," says Ole. "Bravo, bravo Ole! You're good at this and what; about the third one?" asks the doctor. "Sir, I was sitting here, and suddenly the door opens, and a woman enters like a flame. She undresses herself, taking off her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spread her legs and shouts: HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!!" And what did you do Ole?" asks the doctor. "I put eye drops in her eyes." ************ ********* ********* ********* *** Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh sure I do." The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver." After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?" ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ******** An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both hands to hold onto this hat." "But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir,anything you see down there is 85 years old. The hat is brand new." ************ ********* ********* ********* Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger & cheaper also, & demonstrated the size of two big onions she'd buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about." ************ ********* ********* ********* Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we drove thru it." They drove a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they blew right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, " Mildred! Did you know that you ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh Shit! Am I driving?" ************ ********* ********* ********* A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young, man standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought. When she descends the ladder he decides that he had better get two loaves, as he is "having company for dinner." As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so they can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down the ladder. After many trips, she is tired, irritated and begins to wonder 'why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?' Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too? " "No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little." ************ ********* ********* ********* A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "have you been in the service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Vietnam for three years." The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment." and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes, 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off." The interviewer tells the guy, "OK I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 AM. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M" The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?" "This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls... no point in your coming in for that."

S. Valentine images

S. Valentine images

S. Valentine images

S. Valentine images

She's a sex machine She keeps her engine hot Her motor clean Way she moves across the floor The way she shakes her hips And licks her lips Come on there girl Why don't ya shake that thing Doing the rattlesnake shake Shake, shake, shake Rattlesnake shake Make my body ache Rattlesnake shake Shake, shake, shake Rattlesnake shake It's all I can take She's got sassy class Bring you to your knees When she shakes her ass She's a voodoo, voodoo child Just one look wil drive you wild Slides through the night With a viper's smile Come on there girl Why don't ya shake that thing Doing the rattlesnake shake Shake, shake, shake Rattlesnake shake Make my body ache Rattlesnake shake Shake, shake, shake Rattlesnake shake It's all I can take Sexy motion, just take my time The way she moves her lips Up and down my spine Got the rattle Snake wants to spit Call 9-7-6 and let my hand do the rest Doing the rattlesnake shake Shake, shake, shake Rattlesnake shake Make my body ache Rattlesnake shake Shake, shake, shake Rattlesnake shake It's all I can take

Little Miss Muffet Sweet girl's school stuff and A country smile and charm Out in the back Of my '58 Chevy She said she'd do me no harm You know she makes me feel good Just like a bad girl should She goes down She goes down She goes down Down, down, down Sassy little lassie Walking right past me Down in Tennessee Always a lady I love Southern ladies They just know how to please It's like connecting the dots Start at the bottom, lick it to the top She goes down She goes down She goes down Down, down, down All of the day All of the night Lick those lips Do you up right Up and down Round and round Round the world Scream it out You know she makes me feel good C'ya out in Hollywood Flat on my back she goes down For backstage pass, she goes down With all of my friends, she goes down She gives heart attack, she goes... She goes down She goes down She goes down Down, down, down