Gemmy xo's blog: "General"

Woman Golfer A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So , KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good. Male readers: Please scroll down. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show. PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. ----------------- UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, And still be afraid of a spider. ----------------- MARRIAGE SEMINAR While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it? ----------------- CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... So does she. (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!) ----------------- WIFE VS. HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and Neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws." ----------------- WORDS A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?" ----------------- WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and You should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .......... "HEBREWS" ----------------- THE SILENT TREATMENT A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn 't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. ----------------- God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece

Christmas Carols for the Disturbed 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear? 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and..... 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy…oooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate? - why is France so far away? 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder – Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle, Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How I Feel I was nervous at first, it was big and long and went straight up. I had to try it... I eased myself onto it and I liked it! I went up and down on it......... I love escalators now! From the moment I saw you, I wanted to be inside you, I love your smell, the way your tongue feels, the way you tighten and loosen mmmmmmmmmmmmm…………..NEW SHOES!!!!!!!!!! He came to me one night... explored my body... licked- sucked- swallowed and had his fill... when satisfied he left... I was hurt... DAMN MOSQUITO! In the morning I do not eat because I think of you, at noon I do not eat because I think of you, in the evening I do not eat because I think of you, at night I do not sleep because I am hungry. Someday you may lose your hair. You may lose your teeth - your money and even lose your mind. But one thing you will never lose is your good looks because you cant lose what you don't have! I had a wet dream about you last night .... I pissed myself laughing when you fell of a cliff! It goes in dry it comes out wet, the longer it`s in the stronger it gets. We can have it in bed just you and me...its not what you think, it`s a cup of tea! Last night I wantd you, needed you so badly that it hurt. I wanted to taste you. I wanted you in me so you could work your magic on me...but I couldn`t find you. You stupid...PARACETAMOL! At first a little nibble - a slow and temptin` lick. I suck and munch my liquid lunch, and then I swallow quick! CADBURY`S CREAM EGG - HOW DO YOU EAT YOURS? Tell me...is it going in?...yeah ...is it hurting?...ooh yeah ...ouch it`s hurtin' ...ok I will put it in slowly ...still hurtin`...ahh yeah ...then let`s try the other shoe madam! Last night I couldn`t sleep. I wanted you warm against my skin. I wanted you on me. I wanted to feel you all over my body...but I couldn`t find you! Where did I put my PYJAMAS? I luv the way it rubs against the soft pink flesh creatin` a creamy foamy liquid, as it thrusts in and out, up and down. I can't wait until the next time... I LUV MY TOOTHBRUSH! Come here. Take off your pants and get on top of me....enjoy me until you`re totally satisfied.... lovingly yours...the TOILET!!!! I luv u- I luv u- I luv u almighty. I wish your pyjamas were close to me nightly. Dont be mistaken, now dont be mislead, I mean on the clothesline, and not in my bed! When I look at the sun I C U! When I look at the moon I C U! When I look at the sea I C U!... well get out of my way! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 16 Things to do at Walmart! THIS COULD ACTUALLY BE FUN! These things are actually fun to do. J ust make sure you do them at a wal-mart you don't plan on going back because you may get kicked out. 1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking. 2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms. 4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, " 'Code 3' in housewares".... and see what happens. 5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away. 6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department. 8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?!?!?" 9. Look right into the security camera; & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose. 10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. 11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme. 12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels. 13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME! PICK ME!" 14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream.. "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!" 15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and then yell, (very loudly): "There is no toilet paper in here!" 16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "Go pikachu, go!" Repost this if you laughed... Or are planning to do any of these things ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Rules of Order (1) I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either. (2) I love deadlines. Especailly the whooshing sound as they go flying by. (3) Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. (4) Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days you are the statue. (5) Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. (6) I don't have an attitude problem. You just have a perception problem. (7) Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars and I wondered, where the heck is my ceiling? (8) My reality check bounced. (9) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. (10) I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier. (11) You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. (12) Everybody is someone else's weirdo. (13) Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again. (14) Never argue with an idiot, they'll just bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.

Car Carma When bad things happen to good drivers, is your "Astrological Sign" to blame? Car Carma describes the influence your astrological sign has over your driving. What Drove Me To Write The Book "Car Carma"? Click here for the book: http://www.insurancehotline.com/carcarmahome.html I wondered why some drivers always get into accidents and others always get tickets. So I compared 100,000 driving records to the driver’s astrological sign and it showed a clear trend. Here are the rankings, from worst to best: Number 1 Worst: Libra - Sept. 24 to Oct. 22: Libra is the "sign of the scales", it craves balance and consensus. Libra doesn’t like to make snap decisions. But rush hour traffic is not a time for seeking driver approval, or for being indecisive. 2nd Worst Position: Aquarius - Jan. 21 to Feb.19: They’re impulsive, and ruled by the Planet of speed and rebellion. Aquarians need to get a better grip behind the wheel. 3rd Worst Position: Aries - Mar. 21 to Apr.20: Its symbol is the ram. Not good a sign to have for avoiding accidents. Aries have a "me first" child-like nature, that drives Aries into trouble. 4th Worst Position: Pisces - Feb.20 to Mar. 20: This sign enjoys daydreaming. But wake up Pisces, driving in the “real world" requires your complete attention. 5th Worst Position: Scorpio - Oct. 23 to Nov. 22: The scorpion’s instinct is to get revenge, and driving is the perfect avenue to vent a little Scorpion road rage. If you pass a Scorpio, plan on being chased. 6th Worst Position: Taurus - Apr. 21 to May 21: The astrological sign for Taurus is the bull. They’re stubborn, and have an urge to charge at red lights. 7th Worst Position: Sagittarius - Nov. 23 to Dec. 21: They’re risk-takers, but they’re experienced risk takers, and know that stunt driving should be left to the professionals. This is a talkative group, and they should consider putting their cell phone down and just driving. 8th Worst Position: Capricorn - Dec. 22 to Jan. 20: Capricorn is goal oriented. They’re more concerned about the destination than the journey. They feel that the rules of the road are for other drivers to follow so that Capricorns can get to their destination faster. 9th Worst Position: Virgo - Aug. 24 to Sept. 23: Virgos have a nervous attention to detail. They made the cover of the Car Carma book. They’d be slamming their brakes on to avoid hitting a squirrel, but cause a 10 car pile-up. 3rd Best Position: Cancer - June 22 to July 23: They’re homebodies, and consider the roadway of drivers their extended family. But they’re a moody group, and would be the ones to honk at you for no reason at all. 2nd Best Position: Gemini - May 22 to June 21: Geminis are the original multi-taskers. They can eat, drink, read the newspaper, shave, or apply make-up all while driving, although this is NOT recommended, even if you're a Gemini. It’s the sign of the twins; while one is driving the other co-pilots. Number 1 Best: Leo - Jul. 24 to Aug. 23: Leo is generous, and comfortable in sharing the roadway. They‘re known for having a huge ego, which is their driving force to be the best. ---------------------------- Car Carma is an information packed book that describes which astrological signs represent the best and worst drivers. It also gives "insider information" on what you need to know about tickets, accidents, insurance and the law before it's too late. Car Carma is available in hard cover, and as an e-book, and can be purchased by going to: www.InsuranceHotline.com. Car Carma can happen anywhere, at anytime, even on the hit TV show, My Name Is Earl. Earl, upon discovering that he held a winning lottery ticket, was hit by a car and the ticket blows out of his hand as he lays unconscious on the street. Earl's life has been full of poor choices and mistakes, but after winning a small lottery jackpot, he has an epiphany and vows to change his ways. While recovering in the hospital and watching television, Earl discovers karma, thanks to talk-show host Carson Daly, who attributes his success to doing good for others. A light bulb goes off in Earl's head and he sets out to right every wrong he has done. Car Carma is here for you, for Earl, and even for the driver who ran Earl down, so everyone can improve their driving karma.

So I don't do these very often but thought I'd like to save some funny things I see - feel free to reuse anything I post and if it made you smile all the better. Most of the funniest stuff I find are from one of my dearest male friends Bru who has me roaring daily and I thank him for it ;) xoxo As always Live, Love and especially Laugh and Laugh often ;) xoxoxo

Freak In Bed Test - I Got a 53! Weeeeee hehehe GET A PIECE OF PAPER AND NUMBER IT FROM (1-13) AND NO CHEATING! SEE THE RESULTS AT THE END OF THE TEST! WHEN YOU SEND IT ON PUT YOUR SCORE IN THE SUBJECT BAR... 1.WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES? A. LIGHT COLOR B. CHANGE COLORS C. DARK 2.IF YOU WERE TO MEET UP WITH THE CRUSH OF YOUR LIFE YOU WOULD... A. SEDUCE THEM B. JUST CHILL C. CHILL AND THEN SEDUCE 3.WHATS YOUR FAVORITE TYPE OF WEATHER? A. RAIN B. THUNDERSTORM C. SUNNY D. CLOUDY 4.WHATS THE BEST TYPE OF FRUIT? A. STRAWBERRIES B. CHERRIES C. GRAPES D. PEACHES E. KIWI 5.THE BEST PART OF THE 24 HOURS IS.... A. NIGHT B. DAY C. AFTERNOON 6.WHATS THE BEST SEASON OF THE YEAR? A. FALL B. SUMMMER C. SPRING D. WINTER 7.HEADBOARD OR NO HEADBOARD? a-HEADBOARD b-NO HEADBOARD 8.WHATS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN? A-LEO B-VIRGO C-SCORPIO D-LIBRA E-GEMINI F-ARIES G-CAPRICORN H-CANCER I-PISCES J-AQUARIUS K-TAURUS L-SAGITARIUS 9.PICK A PLACE YOU WOULD HAVE SEX AT OUT OF THESE... A. ASRTO VAN B. ON THE ROOF TOP OF A BUILDING C. PARK D. AIR PLANE E. PARENTS ROOM F. ALL OF THE ABOVE 10.YOUR PHONE SERVICE? A. SPRINT/CINGULAR B. VERIZON C. T-MOB./NEXTEL D. ALTEL E. CRICKET F. SUNCOM G. BOOST MOB 11.PICK AN ANIMAL A. LION B. LIZARD C. SNAKE D. MONKEY 12.PICK A TOPPING A. CHOCLATE SYRUP B. HONEY C. WHIP CREAM D. NUTS 13.WHICH WAY? A. UP B. DOWN C. SIDEWAYS NOW THINK OF THE PERSON YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON OR A PERSON WHOSE ASS YOU JUST WANNA SMACK========= ***ANSWERS**** 1. A. LIGHT COLOR------ (4) POINTS B. CHANGE COLORS- (5) POINTS C. DARK---------------- (4) POINTS 2. A. SEDUCE THEM--------------- (5) POINTS B. JUST CHILL------------------- (2) POINTS C. CHILL AND THEN SEDUCE- (4) POINTS 3. A. RAIN--------------- (3) POINTS B. THUNDERSTORM- (5) POINTS C. SUNNY------------- (4) POINTS D. CLOUDY----------- (2) POINTS 4. A. STRAWBERRYS- (5) POINTS B. CHERRYS-------- (4) POINTS C. GRAPES---------- (3) POINTS D. PEACHES-------- (4) POINTS E. KIWI-------------- (5) POINTS 5. A. NIGHT-------- (4) POINTS B. DAY----------- (3) POINTS C. AFTERNOON- (5) POINTS 6. A. FALL-------- (3) POINTS B. SUMMMER- (4) POINTS C. SPRING---- (2) POINTS D. WINTER--- (5) POINTS 7. -HEADBOARD-------- (5) POINTS -NO HEADBOARD-- (2) POINTS 8. LEO---------- (5) POINTS VIRGO------- (5) POINTS SCORPIO--- (5) POINTS LIBRA-------- (3) POINTS GEMINI------ (4) POINTS ARIES-------- (3) POINTS CAPRICORN- (3) POINTS CANCER------ (4) POINTS PISCES------- (5) POINTS AQUARIUS--- (4) POINTS TAURUS------ (5) POINTS SAGITARIUS- (4) POINTS 9. A. ASRTO VAN------------------------------ (3) POINTS B. ON THE ROOF TOP OF A BUILDING- (4) POINTS C. PARK------------------------------------- (2) POINTS D. AIR PLANE------------------------------- (5) POINTS E. PARENTS ROOM------------------------ (5) POINTS F. ALL OF THE ABOVE-------------------- (10) POINTS 10.----U.S.A. ---------- Canadian eh! A. SPRINT/CINGULAR -- Rogers - (5) POINTS B. VERIZON-------------- Fido ----- (4) POINTS C. T-MOB./NEXTEL------------------ (3) POINTS D. ALTEL----------------- Telus ----- (5) POINTS E. CRICKET-------------- Virgin ----- (2) POINTS F. SUNCOM---------------------------- (3) POINTS G. BOOST MOB------------------------ (4) POINTS Canadian eh!----------- Solo--------- (1) POINTS ---------------------------- Bell -------- (-2) POINTS -- ha ha ---------------------------- Mike -------- (5) POINTS 11. A. LION------ (5) POINTS B. LIZARD--- (3) POINTS C. SNAKE--- (4) POINTS D. MONKEY- (3) POINTS 12. A. CHOCLATE SYRUP- (3) POINTS B. HONEY--------------- (2) POINTS C. WHIP CREAM------- (5) POINTS D. NUTS----------------- (3) POINTS 13. A. UP----------- (2) POINTS B. DOWN------ (3) POINTS C. SIDEWAYS- (5) POINTS NOW ADD THE POINTS UP (FOR THE SLOW ONES) SCORES!!!!! 25-34= PRIESTS SON/DAUGHTER. MIGHT AS WELL SAVE IT TILL MARRIAGE. 35-49= PRETTY FREAKY BUT THERES STILL A COUPLE OF TRICKS U CAN LEARN... FROM ME. 50-UP= TOTAL OUTRAGEOUS FREAK! OMG! CALL ME!!!! NO SERIOUSLY START DIALING!***

Your Alcoholic Horoscope by Sign.. too funny ARIES (Mar 21- Apr 19)Drinking style: Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don't know when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone to closing-time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they get mighty flirty after a couple of tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is a good way to get what you want out of them, should other methods fail.Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that whatever happened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the same for you -- so long as you haven't gone and done anything really horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini. TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)Drinking style: Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a mellow glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china-shop inebriate who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers, the preference for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say that the Bull is by any means a teetotaler -- god, no. A squiffy Taurus will get, er, gregarious (full of loudmouth soup, some would say) and is extremely amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated. GEMINI (May 21 - Jun 21)Drinking style: Gemini's can drink without changing their behavior much--they're so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it's just hard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse and illusion, then doing something unbelievable in an extremely advanced state of intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Gemini's possess the magic ability to flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky) with several people at once. They like to order different cocktails every round-- repetition is boring -- and may create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) for their own amusement. CANCER (Jun 22 - Jul 22)Drinking style: Cancer is a comfort drinker -- and an extra wine with dinner or an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can't it, Cancer darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must guard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties and insinuating themselves on VIP lists -- and, in true Hollywood style, Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get "tired and emotional" ( read: weepy when lubricated). But there's nothing better than swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your favorite Sagittarius. Even your second-favorite Sagittarius will do. The sign also rules the flavor cranberry, and you'd be adored if you served up a cranberry and Sky vodka. LEO (Jul 23 - Aug 22)Drinking style: Leo likes to drink and dance -- they're often fabulous dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware they're darling- Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their limit, probably because they loathe losing self-control. When they get over-refreshed,expect flirting to ensue -- and perhaps not with the one who brought them. But Leo's not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just try to ignore it (try harder, Cancer) and expect a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to make it up to you the next day. VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)Drinking style: Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto their bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking less than other signs, sure -- but it could also lead to drinking booze neat, to sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They rarely get fully shellacked -- but, oh, when they do! Virgo's controlled by the intellect, but there's an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let it loose when walloped. It's dead sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo friend used to declare, "I'm going to drink myself into a low level of intelligence tonight." A toast to the subgenius IQ! LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23)Drinking style: "I'm just a social drinker," slurs Libra, "it's just that I'm so damn social." Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with Insta-Friend device set to "on") or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room. Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control, however, which can get them into all sorts of trouble -- including wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening, flirting with their best friend's beau or even blacking out the night's events entirely. Oops! SCORPIO (Oct 24 - Nov 21)Drinking style: Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for they'll smirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they're hog-whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink, and screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them see the sauce as something to savor in itself, and not as a personality-altering tool - though if depressed, self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But generally, they're fascinating drinking pals, brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts. They also remember everything -- especially what you did when you were blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you. SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)Drinking style: In vino veritas -- and, for Sagittarius, in booze blurtiness:When buttered, they'll spill all your secrets and many of their own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with. This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from the sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole Smith)? They're the people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the entire crowd to travel somewhere else -- like a nightclub, or a playground, or Cancun. Good-natured hi-jinks are sure to ensue (including a high possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty call with a Cancer after a few Coronas). CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)Drinking style: Capricorn is usually described as practical, steadfast, money-hungry and status-thirsty -- no wonder they get left off the astrological cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie and Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock star: independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too eager to please. And if they make money being themselves, who are you to quibble? But just like most rock stars, they're either totally on or totally off, and they generally need a little social lubricant to loosen up and enjoy the after party, especially if they can hook up with a cute groupie. AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)Drinking style: Aquarius and drinking don't go together that well(except for water, that is). They have an innate tendency toward know-it-allism,and if they get an idea while sizzled, they're more stubborn than a stain or a stone. If they're throwing a party or organizing an outing, however, they're too pre-occupied with their duties to get combative and they make perfectly charming drunks in that case. Fortunately, they're usually capital drink-nursers. They also make the best designated drivers (if you can get them before they start raising their wrist) Aquarius is fascinated by drunk people and capable of holding interesting conversations with soused strangers while sober. PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20)Drinking style: If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard that you share a sign and an addictive personality -- with Liz Taylor, Liza Minelli and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in the dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build up a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On the other hand, they're fabulously enchanting partners, whether in conversation or in crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of margaritas and wind up in bed together for days. The phrase "addictive personality" can be read two ways you know.

JANUARY=SHYNESS Fun to be with. Loves to try new things. Boy/girls LOVE you. You are very hott. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. spazzy at times.Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover. Repost this in the next 5 mins and your reputation will boost someway in the next 12 days FEBRUARY=SMARTS Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. sexiest out of everyone.A real speed demon. Has more than one best friend. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions. Repost this in 5 mins and you will talk to someone new and realize that you are a perfect match. MARCH=GORGEOUS Drop dead gorgeous!!! Attractive personality. Very sexy! Affectionate & Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Chatterbox! Loves to talk alot! Loves to get their way! Unbelievable kisser! Easily angered. Very stubborn in the most possible way! Loves to get noticed! Willing to take risks for others. Makes good choices. Has a great fashion sense! Maybe a little too popular with others * wink wink*. Outgoing and crazy at times! Intelligent. Can sometimes be a heartbreaker! Can love as much as possible! Hates insults. Loves compliments! A very big flirt! Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. The best in bed out of all these months!! Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Observant and assesses others. If you repost this in the next 5 mins, you will meet your new love in 8 days. APRIL=SWEETIE Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Shy towards opposite sex. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves travelling. Dislike being at home. Restless. having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. If you repost this in the next 5 minutes, you will become close to someone you do not speak to much in the next 4 days. MAY=SEXY Suave and compromising. Funny and humorous. Stubborn. Very talkative. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal. Does work well with others. Very confident. Sensitive. Positive Attitude. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Able to cheer everyone up and/or make them laugh. Able to motivate oneself and others. Understanding. Fun to be around. Outgoing. Hyper. Bubbly personality. Secretive. Boy/girl crazy. Loves sports, music, leisure and travelling. Systematic. Hot but has brains. If you repost this in 5 mins, a cutie that's caught your eye will introduce themselves and you will realize that you are very much alike in the next 2 days. JUNE=PIMP Loves to chat. Loves those who love them. Loves to takes things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Brave and fearless. Always making friends. Not easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care to control emotions. Unpredictable. Understanding. Fun to be around. Outgoing. Hyper. Bubbly personality. Secretive. Boy/girl crazy. Loves sports, music, leisure and travelling. Systematic. Hot but has brains. If you repost this in 5 mins, a cutie that's caught your eye will introduce themselves and you will realize that you are very much alike in the next 2 days. JULY=ATTITUDE outgoing personality. takes risks. feeds on attention. no self control. kind hearted. self confident. loud and boisterous. VERY revengeful. easy to get along with and talk to. has an "every thing's peachy" attitude. likes talking and singing. loves music. daydreamer. easily distracted. Hates not being trusted. BIG imagination. loves to be loved. hates studying. in need of "that someone". longs for freedom. rebellious when withheld or restricted. lives by "no pain no gain" caring. always a suspect. playful. mysterious. "charming" or "beautiful" to everyone. stubborn. curious. independent. strong willed. a fighter. repost in 5 mins and you will meet the love of your life sometime next month. AUGUST=FLIRT You've got the best personality and are an absolute pleasure to be around. You love to make new friends and be outgoing. You are a great flirt and more than likely have a very attractive partner, a wicked hottie. Like somebody with an August brithday. It is also more than likely that you have a massive record collection. When it comes to films, you know how to pick them and may one day become a famous actor/actress yourself - heck, you've got the looks for it!!! IN the next 6 days you will meet someone that may possibly become one of your closest friends, if you repost this in 5 minutes. SEPTEMBER=LOVER Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Usually you have many friends. Emotional. Stubborn. Hasty. Good memory. Moving, motivates oneself and others. Loves to travel and explore. Sometimes sexy in a way that only their lover can understand. if you do not repost this in the next 5 mins. someone very close to you will become mad at you in the next 8 days. OCTOBER=HOTTIE Trustworthy and loyal. Very passionate and dangerous. Wild at times. Knows how to have fun. Sexy and mysterious. Everyone is drawn towards your inner and outer beauty and independent personality. Playful, but secretive. Very emotional and temperamental sometimes. Meets new people easily and very social in a group. Fearless and independent. Can hold their own. Stands out in a crowd. Essentially very smart. Usually, you ever begin a relationship with someone from this month, hold on to them because their one of a kind. repost in 5 mins & you will excel in a major event coming up sometime this month. NOVEMBER=THUG This straight-up means ur the most good-looking Loyal and generous. Patriotic. Competitive in everything. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Easy to talk to, though hard to understand. Thinks far with vision, yet complicated to know. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. repost this in 5 mins & you will find true love at 11:00 a.m. DECEMBER=BEAUTY Loves to chat. Loves those who love them. Loves to takes things at the centre. Great in bed. Inner and physical beauty. Doesn't pretend. Gets angry often. A meaningful love life partner. Treats friends importantly. Brave and fearless. Always making friends. It is all about love and fairness. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Horny but does fullfill. Opinionated. Does not care to control emotions. Knows what to do, to have fun. Unpredictable. Someone to have close to you.Extremely smart, but definitely the hottest AND sexiest of them all. repost this in 5 mins or you will not meet the love of your life for 10 years

Sexual Horoscope..... before you read these, make sure you dont mind the cussing and the bluntness of sex... VIRGO(aug 23-sep 22) This is the MOST confused sign on the planet. This sign is pretty realistic: No Frills. They love to fuck in showers not because it's kinky...but because of hygenic reasons...they are big into sanitary issues. Every Virgo I have ever met has issues...always going back to hygiene. They have to arrange time in their busy schedules to have sex...But when a reservation is made...You had better be there on time, if not a little early. With flowers. And Clean. Virgos want to make their partner happy. That's it. USUALLY. You will always get a freaky Virgo. Even so, they will TRY to get YOU to cum. And if they can't make you cum, they will buy someone or something that will. Yes you read that right. They LIVE to masturbate...whether its you rubbing them, them rubbing you...them rubbing against your fox fur coat...whatever! Some Virgos WANT to be punished. They will do naughty things to be caught so they can be punished. They are perfect for Aries who want to punish SOMEBODY. Anybody! Pretend rape scenes also turn on Virgos. As long as they know they are secretly safe. If you have ever seen the Carnival Rape scene in 'Henry & June' this is a Virgo wet dream. Also all Virgos like to see Camel Toes...what's up with that? Sherlock Holmes was probably a Virgo...or a repressed Gemini. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Taurus (April 20 - May 20) --Don't tease them. It will only piss them off. Taureans are realists. If you say that you are horny: Prepare to be fucked. Taureans are heavy indulgers, though. All forms of indulgence: Sex-drugs-wine-food...whatever their vice may be: they simply cannot get enough. They do not believe in moderation. They will fuck until they are sore. Taurus likes to have sex just for the sake of having sex. What they lack in originality, they make up for in stamina and endurance. Okay...so they may not be into bondage, okay? But they WILL lick you until you have at least three orgasms or until you pass out...whichever comes first. Taurus uses their tongue for EVERYthing...and I mean that. They love to lick people in whipped cream, alcohol, chocolate, flesh and candy???Bring it on! Caution: They are looking for a relationship so be kind to them. They also have a BIG wet thing for scent. Sometimes they don't want a lover to bathe before sex. Or you may find them shaggin in a garden or a greenhouse...to smell the dirt: After all, they are Earth signs. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries (March 21- June-5) LIVES for head massages. ANY part of their head: Lips, Eyelids, Eyes, Tongue, you name it! Aries also likes to fuck in public places during business hours. You need to be open minded with an Aries...If you don't feel like being duct taped to a wall and beaten with live ferrets: Tell Them. Be warned! IF you don't want to be kinky, don't be with an Aries. If you say 'No' too often to them you may lose them as a lover forever. Aries Idea of Heaven Is: Participating in live sex shows for money. Having their favorite human toy win first place in a pony boy/girl race. Fucking as an art form on display in a gallery. They secretly crave to be strippers or Annie Sprinkle. Aries LIVES to be jealous...they also like to coordinate other people fucking. Secretly desire to be fluffers. Aries owned a Violet Wand before it was popular. They are also Sadists. The best gift to give an Aries is designer colored nylon rope in their favorite color. They live to tease and torture...HEY...Somebody's gotta do it, right? They like hair pulling. Beware of their 'toy' collections. Don't tease them...they will rape you. They love pony boys and girls...I cannot emphasize this enough! They like it doggie style especially if they are steering. Give an Aries 100 feet of rope and a 250 dollar flogger, they will follow. As long as they get to be the one holding the handle. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Gemini (May 21 - June 21) This is GEMMY hehehe Ever heard the saying "Been there. Done that?" chances are it came from a Gemini. They are always changing...they are the eternal Chameleon. You never know who you are fucking that day. They have had sex. A lot of sex. Probably because they are in a constant state of flux...always looking for the new high. The biggest turn on for a Gemini is: LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION. Here is just a smattering of places that I know Geminis have fucked: In the elevator of the moseleum of Forest Lawn Cemetary DURING A FUNERAL. Wine cellars in nightclubs. Vip Areas of Theatres. Public Parks. The 18th Hole of a private golf course. In the center of a race track just as the flag was going up. On various Gym equipment at numerous health spas. A football stadium during the SuperBowl. A Balcony railing at Mardis Gras in the French Quarter...just to name a few. If it's shiny...they will want it. They are big on DRAMA so be prepared for them to set the mood for sex no matter WHERE you might end up. They WILL take the initiative. They live off their charm. If they are male and gay they will still be the greatest fuck your female friend has ever had. Go figure. They are also Voyeurs but always willing to lend a hand ... or any other part of anatomy. If they are depressed, suck on their fingers, that always seems to cheer them up. Their goal is to fuck in the front row of the OSCARS when the cameras pans on them so that they can wave. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cancer (June 22 - July 22) -- 69 This is the sign that needs to be cuddled. They may believe that they were born in the wrong period or century. They DWELL in the past...Victorian...Roman...Medieval...You name it. They usually will only fuck at night...come to think of it...they fuck better at night anyway. Maybe its because they are ruled by the Moon. This is a sign that is looking for TRUE love...I mean REAL TRUE DEEP LOVE...that 'Romancing The Stone' Frikkin 'Wuthering Heights' kind of love. They probably cry at the end of any Jane Austen flick. They want to be swept off of their feet. They really do deserve it, too. They are constantly dumped on by previous past fucktard ex lovers that think they own them. Sometimes Cancers pick the wrong guy/girl and get beat up or emotionally hurt. Why? They think its what they deserve. Which is bullshit. They are wonderful people. They love water sports (jacuzzis/pools/showers/saunas/bathouses...) They want to be comfortable while fucking...oh sure the foreplay may have had you bent over a barstool...but when you get home they want comfy couches, beds, fluffy pillows, anything soft and fuzzy that is not a pet. Cancerians also have a horrible tendency to misplace their clothing. Highly Exhibitionistic. They live for Oral...as long as it tastes good. Karma Sutra honey dust is a good start...mints...ice cream..anything with sugar...fruit...Don't rush them they smolder. But when you get started, be ready for a long night. They like to play with ice cubes, too. Also nipples are a BIG thing for Crabs...they all secretly wish to get their nipples pierced. Can be submissive highly. Masturbation is where they get their bonus points at. Be warned: They like 'em YOUNG...so you better be ready to dress up like an Animation school boy/girl with a whip to keep 'em. haha... it's all true !! lol --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)-- Let the games begin! Libra will try anything once. Twice to make sure they liked it. Three times to be absolutely sure. Do not touch a Libra's head during oral sex...that may work with an Aries, but not here. Libras LOVE giving oral - They LOVE getting it , too. But don't feel like they get enough...too bad, because they sure as hell are getting enough of everything else. They will buy toys to make YOU use it on THEM. Libras are mental creatures that believe in living and fulfilling fantasies that they haven't done in real life...which is rare because they have done almost EVERYTHING. They have no problem sploshing. To them, sitting in a pie COULD be fun. Porn? Bring it on! Sex, video AND food? ALRIGHT! They are heavily exhibitionistic by accident. They are accident prone, they lose bras, underware, condoms....they also accidentally end up in bed with people. Amazing how THAT works! They like to cross dress. Both sexes do this quite well, actually. Male Librans are mistaken for women all the time, and Female Libras are mistaken for men every now and again too...its because they are under the goddess Aphrodite. They are never just ONE sex. They can always feel what the opposite sex feels. Which is why they are rarely clingy, except in rare circumstances when they have been led on, then watch the manipulative side of the scales swing. They love to role play and play dress up. They like to dress like hookers or Queen Elizabeth (This is the men, too!) Who are they really? It depends on what day of the week it is. They believe that life is too short to date ugly people in more ways than one. So if you are being shagged by a Libra, there is a good reason. Whether you are attractive physically, emotionally, mentally or have a fantastic sense of humor, there is always a reason for a Libra to be fucking you. But they HATE vulgarity. They despise feeling like they are on a waiting list to get your attention...worse yet, feeling like they are your groupie. That won't last long, then. They have already figured out HOW to destroy you...now they are biding their time to see how long until they throw YOU away...with nothing. But, if you get past all that, expect long luxurious nights talking and playing Strip Tarot or Naked Chess. They are the Graceful Slut...but not slutty and yet accident prone. If you are going to fuck a Libra: Get mirrors. Lots of them. They have more vanity issues than a Gemini. Nothing is TOO kinky for them. They are the eternal Courtesan or Concubine. They are sex therapists, porn writers who knows? --------------------------------------------------------------------------- LEO (July 23 - Aug. 22) If you fuck up just once with a Leo...That's IT. Don't be expecting them to take you back. They are not willing victims, after all, they CHOSE you...you screwed up? They can UN-Choose you just the same. They live for Menage a Trois...or Qua...or Cinco....anything in a group is okay as long as they are in the middle. Leos also like bubble baths. Once you start with a Leo...do not think you can just turn their emotions on or off like a switch...they demand satisfaction. NOW. All the stress in the world ends up in the Leo neck...They need neckrubs...they feel like they have the entire weight of the world on their head. If its kinky, a Leo has probably done it..You know Madonna's a LEO, right? She masters the Madonna/Whore/Goddess thing pretty well, huh? I wonder why? Could it be cause shes a fuckin' LEO? yep. Valmont was probably a Leo. They probably have the movie at home. Get out your furry gloves and faux mink whips for this kitten. they love soft floggers and there is a specific spot on their back right above their tailbone that is heaven to them where if touched right will actually make them purr...you think I'm bullshitting you? Try it, I dare ya. Leo likes doing doggystyle that's a given. As long as it feels good, but leos also like missionary if they are in love with there lover that is the most intimate position as you two look in each other eyes. Their underware is always..er..interesting to say the least, if they are wearing any. They LIVE for boudoir photography. They LOVE to be photographed. If they can afford a nude or semi nude photo of them..do it now. Leos are born and bred to be porn stars...even if they act prude about it..they have thought about it. The best sex partner is a Scorpio leos love them... Rubies jewels usually are their love. Love to have their hair brushed and played with. You had better be vocal in bed with them...they want to hear how well they are doing. If a Leo has chosen YOU as a mate. Just accept it and enjoy the ride. Be prepared for anything. They have no problem tying you down. They ARE the naughty school teacher, the pirate captain, the gypsy king and Cleopatra all rolled into one. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21) HOLEE SHIT! here comes the masters and mistresses of FUCKing Sorry Leo, but Scorps ARE the leaders in the Kink O Rama factor (Leos are in second place, so don't worry that much leos) Scorpios KNOW how to seduce. They KNOW what is kinky. They are highly manipulative. They KNOW how to get you to do what THEY want. They KNOW how to fuck. And they are making room for modifications. All they have to do is walk into a room and look at you, and you WILL be on your back assuming the position. Anne Rice (During her 'Beauty' phase) wants to be a Scorpio. Leos and Scorpios make for a fabulous tryst.they are the BEST in bed together..but if the emotions are not there then that's a different story. Don't dare TRY to make a Scorpio jealous...they will duct tape you to a chair and make you watch them fuck your boss..or your sister/brother..or Mother...hell, that's their idea of a typical normal Thursday night. They love to use gag balls. They always have carpet burns on their knees and back...this is from their constant rutting like a wild weasel in heat. They are also very cunning and secretive. They have a fetish for riding crops and bridles. Most Scorpios have mastered the Binaca Blowjob for heightened and elongated pleasure. I hope you can go the distance and can make them come...otherwise gods help ya. Favorite Song: Master and Servant. Most female Scorpios have a horrible tendency of being Alcohol Lesbians...get them drunk enough they will kiss a girl...or two....or three...or five.... but beware their sting! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) Right out the chute I am going to tell you...THEY LOVE TO BE SHAVED. True love is being shaved. Sagittarius love is being shaved by someone they love. And they LOVE to travel. They are constantly moving. They are always packing and going somewhere. They are the outdoorsy type. Why fuck in a tent when you can be surrounded by Sequoias under a moonlit night and have sex? Sags will Fuck Everywhere! Most Sags flash body parts and are closet nudists. They will be the first to register for nude volleyball at the nudist resort. Don't get me wrong, they have a TON of provocative clothing at home, but they like to be naked. EVERYWHERE. They don't know why its against the law to drive naked in a convertable especially. It just doesn't seem right. Downright Anti-American to them. They are also bleeding heart causefighters. They believe that sex is a biological function amongst friends...why fight it when you can fuck it? A perfect night for them is to : Talk. Fuck. Talk. Fuck. Go out and look at sea otters..Pick some flowers...Talk. Fuck. Laugh. Have a drink. Talk. Fuck. Dinner. Fuck. Sleep. Fuck and Fuck some more! Male Sags have more fetishes than a female Sag. Foot fetishes...Lingerie...Female Sags are nature lovers: Do it in the bushes, Sex on the beach, in the ocean, hell behind the local laundrymat! Kinky? they Love Kinky. Wear that pirate getup for these girls, they'll be on their knees in a heartbeat. They'll dress kinky and skip the panties under a short skirt if you're going out on the town, just to get you going, and I do mean going~ these girls want it all night long! Whipped cream, body oils and bondage,Licking and sucking, whatever it takes to keep the party going! . They believe in doing it and doing it often! fucking before the movie starts..., fucking at the theatre during the previews and maybe a quick blowjob on the way home. Sag females love sexing up your whole body! Give them a chance, there won't be a body part they haven't sucked licked or fucked!You can touch them anywhere and they got hott cause they're freaky like that! They love leg rubs and jacuzzis, this is because their thighs are a hot spot...They'll be the ones holding you up fucking in the closet at your friends housewarming party at two in the morning. They are built for lot and lots of sex in any way shape or form, kinky or slow teasing, fast and hard or slow and easy~ if you want to get your freak on, Sagittarians are the way to go! None of the other signs love Sex as Much as a Sag! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) Just as I was writing this one, my Capricorn friend proceeds to call me...Capricorns are psychic by accident. They have no idea the fates smile on them from time to time...they just accept it and move on. You can turn on a Cappie just by breathing on them. They are strong and responsible and have dignity. But they are too easy to turn on sometimes. And watch out when they are horny...whoever is in the room better have protection. They are natural screamers and leave bite marks. they like sex a lot as a favorite past time. Usually during commercial breaks is perfect. Its nothing for a Cappie to fuck seven or eight times during commercial breaks in an hour long T.V. Show. They like to do it in the shower...on the furniture...on other peoples furniture...on other peoples beds...Cars...Tents...boats....yep, if they are in the mood...it could be at the Presiden't inauguration...get ready for some nookie! They love to bite. They might seem at first sight of them rather cold and insensitive. But when they warm up? There is no stopping them. They like to have the back of their knees licked. They live for tongue massages. They think porno is just SILLY...who thought THAT up? But they will watch it to see if they are missing anything. Give them dim lighting, a roaring fireplace and a nice bottle of wine...you might as well reconcile yourself to the fact that you better leave the phones off for the entire weekend and order food in. They like to play games...as long as they are in charge. This is a misunderstood sign...they can be very kinky. As long as it is with people they love. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aquarius (Jan. 20- Feb. 18) -- MY favorite sluts are Aquarius. Why? Because if you don't expect anything in return, you won't be disappointed. Sounds easy, huh? They will get under your skin though, so beware. It's easy to be hurt by an Aquarius because they don't want you to know what they are thinking. If they are silent but you are in the room with them...chances are they are in heavy thought. But don't worry, chances are they are thinking about you...and fifteen other things. Water bearers look at sex like it is a form of recess. They can turn you on by simply walking in the room. They are the Rain Man of the Zodiac. They give too much of themselves to others that don't give a shit...then get shy to those that care about them. Go figure. They like kinky. They are easy going. To them, it's a learning experience. Male Aquarians like to tease and live life in a fantasy world. Female Aquarians can't masturbate enough...Males never get the chance to masturbate because everybody wants a piece of them. They like their ankles nibbled. They love back massages. Their ultimate adventure is the "But we might get caught" game. They will fuck wherever they run the risk of being seen or found by another lover. Don't expect faithfulness from these creatures...it's just not in their DNA. They are open minded to the point that anything shiny will derail their train of thought. Fucking while standing or leaning is a plus here. Fuck with their mind and they will follow you anywhere. They enjoy being fucked in groups of three. Think being Jack Nicholson in bed with the three Witches of Eastwick? This is a Aquarian dream. They need you to make the first move. Not to be dominated. But to bring them back to earth now and again for a little physical funtime. They get lost in the clouds a lot. Don't derail from your personal pleasure course, however, otherwise you will be just talking to them all night. which can be stimulating just as well too. Beware! They are the flirts and teases from HELL! Never take one on a trip to a Home Depot when you are both horny. This can lead to nasty things. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Pisces (Feb. 19- Mar. 20) Get out the boots - Stilletto heels - foot creams and panty hose...here come da fishies! They are the LEADERS in foot fetish. Masturbation in shoes? Okay. Toe masturbation...bring it on! They love using their feet. Suck on a Pisceans toes and SEE what happens! Fucking in the water and see them squirm. Pisces have probably done it in a sex swing. Or at least considered how strong the ceiling beams are on their house to put one in. Pisces men break furniture when they fuck...things get flung everywhere. Pisces can be turned on by the wierdest things...Trains...Water fountains...Jump rope...Whatever. They are the sirens calling you to the beach where you will end up on your back on a towel with water all over you and not wanting it to stop. I have heard it said that its the pisces that will cross the darker kinky side at least once...just to say "YEP. did that. Not that great" OR "What do you MEAN you never......" SAM from sex and the city should be a Pisces. These babes are perfectionists. You will have a perfect orgasm with them...so will they..in fact, they strive for perfection in everything they do...it's all in th details for them. There will not be ONE hair out of place with a Pisces. All of their fetish jewlery will match a specific whip or dress or shoes. EVERYTHING MUST MATCH! I have one Pisces friend that has nipple tassles that match for every pair of underware and whip that she owns! NO SHIT! You might think they are shy! HA! They are just planning something. I had a Pisces Friend (Same Pisces friend with the matching tassles by the way) who was at a nudist beach in Brazil (You will always find a Pisces at a beach...its inbred in them) A middle aged man in his early 50's or so came up to her and immediately saw her body and BABING! got a hard on! Not feeling shocked in any way, shape or form, she walked right up to him and put her hand on his cock for a moment , then with her same hand took her sunglasses off , looked him RIGHT in the eye and said "DAHLING, your erection is SUPERB!" and she walked off never to see him again. You never can tell what the hell a Pisces will do, but I guarantee that it will be SUPERB! SECRET: Pisces women fall for a man that can wear a high heel and garter. And look good