Ive written about my hurt i felt when my heart was broken it still is but slowly healing but being the time of year that it is I'm left still alone and will not just settle for things I have to fight harder for myself better there are some that see that and some who don't. but one thing i never forget are people that leave a memory a positive mark on me i have a few here on cherrytap first friends i made here CG,amourette leadfoot and somebody i think i lost GTOjudge and his wife i visited his page here and could no longer leave a message or comment and it hurt. there are some people i deleted because of one reason or other but to lose someone still is such a shame.
AS with many of us on this site these few we become friends with are sometimes the only friends we can count on 4 now. due to divorce and situtations that bring us here. its nessasary sometimes we find answers with people we never met much easier than from people we already know in our lives family lovers co-workers etc...
i'm just miss being able to go wherever i want doing my own thing but my freedom has been limited and it fustrating the hell out of me and i can't do what i took for granted like having a real job a place to call my own and a car i can't go up to maine it pains me that i can't do this anymore i can't go see my friends whenever i want and i can't help them anymore and i can't see anybody i want i have to rely on others and i'm finding that twice as fustrating because they are not me i was too easygoing and was always there for them and they can't do the same for me i am heartsick. and askmyself over and over what did i do so wrong to not recieve the love i gave so easily. that what is killing me really here i am doing without the closeness i so desperately need at this time of year. damn it i love them why do i never get it back. i never really expected it but now i need it . i'm trying to heal by giving myself time than i look in the mirror and look really hard at myself. i sometimes see my mother and i hate myself for looking like her and try really hard not to be her she is hatefull and nasty. i worked my whole life and raised my child so differently so my child would never feel as i did a mistake, not good enuff or ugly everything i try to overcome. but i still feel the way i always felt useless and fat ugly, a slut how does one overcome this really.
i get it all the time all my problems are because i don't go to church, i am too needy , i am not this and i am not that, this is from people who say they are only trying to help me. Or i get that i need a good fuck to make things better. damn it NO!!!!! It maybe your answer but I feel so empty after because it was a quick fix what does it fix tell me somebody what does it fix. I am still a walking wound and it didn't heal the pain that is so crippling so outthere for the world to see and it is so ugly that everyone turns away in dusgust.
when i see some light it turns dark again i get i'm not ready for that just yet but you'll do for now maybe it'll change and i invest on that maybe.
why do i do that why the fuk do i do it i'm no better than shit. I know the outcome its too dam predictable I'm predictable
