PapaKringle's blog: "My Favorite E-mails"

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping thru the forest road when she sees the big bad wolf crouched down behind a log. "My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf." The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush. "My, what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf." Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About 1/4 mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock. "My, what big teeth you have, Mr. Wolf." With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off? I'm trying to poop!"

Hello, Once you have opened this e-mail, there's no turning back. Below are true descriptions of zodiac signs, with traits from a book written 35 years ago by an astrologist predictions. Read your sign, then forward it on, with your zodiac sign and label on the subject line, This is real deal, try ignoring it, and the first thing you'll notice is having a horrible day starting tomorrow morning - and it only gets worse from there. VIRGO - The One that Waits Dominant in relationships. Someone loves them right now. Always wants the last word. Caring. Smart. Loud.Loyal. Easy to talk to. Everything you ever wanted. Easy to please. The one and only. 7 years of bad luck if you do not forward. SCORPIO - The Addict EXTREMELY adorable. Intelligent. Loves to joke. Very Good sense of humor. Energetic. Predict future. GREAT kisser. Always get what they want. Attractive. Easy going. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Romantic. Caring. 4 years of bad luck if you do not forward. LIBRA - The Lame One Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind, most loyal, one you will want to hold on to forever! You will miss their love forever if you lose it. Very sexual, wonderful kisser, Silly, fun and, sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! However not the kind of person you wanna mess with very protective of the ones they love ... u might end up crying... 9 years of bad luck if you do not forward. ARIES - The Liar Outgoing. Lovable. Spontaneous. Not one to mess with. Funny. Excellent kisser EXTREMELY adorable. Loves relationships, Addictive. Loud. 16 years of bad luck if you do not forward. AQUARIUS - Does It In The Water Trustworthy. Attractive. Great kisser. One of a kind. Loves being in long-term relationships. Extremely energetic. Unpredictable. Will exceed your expectations. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out. 2 years of bad luck if you do not forward GEMINI - Irresistible Nice. Love is one of a kind. Great listeners Very Good in the you know where... Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you out. Trustworthy. Always happy. Loud. Talkative. Outgoing VERY FORGIVING. Loves to make out. Has a beautiful smile. Generous. Strong. THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE. 9 years of bad luck if you do not forward LEO - The Lion Great talker. Attractive and passionate. Laid back. Knows how to have fun. Is really good at almost anything. Great kisser. Unpredictable. Outgoing. Down to earth. Addictive. Attractive. Loud. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Not one to mess with. Rare to find. Good when found. 7 years of bad luck if you do not forward. CANCER - The Cutie MOST AMAZING KISSER. Very high appeal. Love is one of a kind. Very romantic. Most caring person you will ever meet! Entirely creative. Extremely random and proud of it. Freak. Spontaneous. Great telling stories. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out if it comes down to it. Someone you should hold on to. 12 years of bad luck if you do not forward. PISCES - The Partner for Life Caring and kind. Smart. Center of attention. High appeal. Has the last word. Good to find, hard to keep. Fun to be around.Extremely weird but in a good way. Good Sense of Humor!!! Thoughtful. Always gets what he or she wants. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet. 5 years of bad luck if you do not forward. CAPRICORN - The Passionate Lover Love to bust. Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Predict future. Irresistible. Loves being in long relationships. Great talker. Always gets what he or she wants. Cool. Loves to own Gemini's in sports.Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Smart. 24 years of bad luck if you do not forward. TAURUS - The Tramp Aggressive. Loves being in long relationships. Likes to give a good fight for what they want. Extremely outgoing. Loves to help people in times of need. Good kisser. Good personality. Stubborn. A caring person. One of a kind. Not one to mess with. Are the most attractive people on earth! 15 years of bad luck if you do not forward. SAGITTARIUS - The Promiscuous One Spontaneous. High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found. Loves being in long relationships. So much love to give. Not one to mess with. Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone They meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing in the you know where..!!! Not the kind of person you wanna mess with- you might end up crying. 4 years of bad luck if you do not forward. Forward this to all you know, see what traits you do have.

This morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a WOMAN in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily, but she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my pants, and disconnected an important call. Damn women drivers!

Love him or loathe him, he nailed this one right on the head.......... By Rush Limbaugh: I think the vast differences in compensation between victims of the September 11 casualty and those who die serving our country in Uniform are profound. No one is really talking about it either, because you just don't criticize anything having to do with September 11. Well, I can't let the numbers pass by because it says something really disturbing about the entitlement mentalit y of this country. If you lost a family member in the September 11 attack, you're going to get an average of $1,185,000. The range is a minimum guarantee of $250,000, all the way up to $4.7 million. If you are a surviving family member of an American soldier killed in action, the first check you get is a $6,000 direct death benefit, half of which is taxable. Next, you get $1,750 for burial costs. If you are the surviving spouse, you get $833 a month until you remarry. And there's a payment of $211 per month for each child under 18. When the child hits 18, those payments come to a screeching halt. Keep in mind that some of the people who are getting an average of $1.185 million up to $4.7 milli on are complaining that it's not enough Their deaths were tragic, but for most, they were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. Soldiers put themselves in harms way FOR ALL OF US, and they and their families know the dangers. We also learned over the weekend that some of the victims from the Oklahoma City bombing have started an organization asking for the same deal that the September 11 families are getting. In addition to that, some of the families of those bombed in the embassies are now asking for compensation a s well. You see where this is going, don't you? Folks, this is part and parcel of over 50 years of entitlement politics in this country. It's just really sad. Every time a pay raise comes up for the military, they usually receive next to nothing of a raise. Now the green machine is in combat in the Middle East while their families have to survive on food stamps and live in low-rent housing Make sense? However, our own US Congress voted themselves a raise. Many of you don't know that they only have to be in Congress one time to receive a pension that is more than $15,000 per month. And most are now equal to being millionaires plus. They do not receive Social Security on retirement because they didn't have to pay into the system. If some of the military people stay in for 20 years and get out as an E-7, they may receive a pension of $1,000 per month, and the very people who placed them in harm's way receives a pension of $15,000 per month. I would like to see our elected officials pick up a weapon and join ranks before they start cutting out benefits and lowering pay for our sons and daughters who are now fighting. " When do we finally do something about this?" If this doesn't seem fair to you, it is time to forward this to as many people as you can. How many people CAN YOU send this to? **************************** How many WILL YOU

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make you r husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good. Male readers : Please scroll down.. ... ... . . ... ... ... .... ... .. ... ... The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!! Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humor.

This equation should be taught in all math classes! From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+ 18+11 = 98% And K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And, B-U-L-L- S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top. Thanks, Spring!

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." --Tom Clancy "You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." --Steve Martin "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." --Woody Allen "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." --Rodney Dangerfield "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." --Lynn Lavner "Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist." --Matt Barry "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." --George Burns "Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." --George Burns "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." --Sharon Stone "My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading." --Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers) "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." --Jack Nicholson " Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." --Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor) "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." --Robin Williams "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." --Robert De Niro "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" --Dustin Hoffman There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, " I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." --Jerry Seinfeld "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." --Rod Stewart "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." --Robin Williams

I never gave it a thought. Who would have thought? Have you ever noticed gals who sit their handbags on public toilet floors - then go directly to their dining tables and set it on the table? Happens a lot! It's not always the 'restaurant food' that causes stomach distress. Sometimes "what you don't know 'will' hurt you"! >>Read on... Mum got so upset when guests came in the door and plopped their handbags on the counter where she was cooking or setting up food. She always said that handbags are really dirty, because of where they have been. >>Smart Mum!!! It's something just about every woman carries with them. While we may know what's inside our handbags, do you have any idea what's on the outside? Shauna Lake put handbags to the test - for bacteria - with surprising results. You may think twice about where you put your handbag. Women carry handbags everywhere; from the office to public toilets to the floor of the car. Most women won't be caught without their handbags, but did you ever stop to think about where your handbag goes during the day? "I drive a school bus, so my handbag has been on the floor of the bus a lot," says one woman. "On the floor of my car, and in toilets." "I put my handbag in grocery shopping carts, on the floor of the toilet while changing a nappy," says another woman "and of course in my home which should be clean." We decided to find out if handbags harbour a lot of bacteria. We learned how to test them at Nelson Laboratories in Salt Lake, and then we set out to test the average woman's handbag. Most women told us they didn't stop to think about what was on the bottom of their handbag. Most said at home they usually set their handbags on top of kitchen tables and counters where food is prepared. Most of the ladies we talked to told us they wouldn't be surprised if their handbags were at least a little bit dirty. It turns out handbags are so surprisingly dirty, even the microbiologist who tested them was shocked. Microbiologist Amy Karen of Nelson Labs says nearly all of the handbags tested were not only high in bacteria, but high in harmful kinds of bacteria. Pseudomonas can cause eye infections, staphylococcus aurous can cause serious skin infections, and salmonella and e-coli found on the handbags could make people very sick. In one sampling, four of five handbags tested positive for salmonella, and that's not the worst of it. "There is fecal contamination on the handbags," says Amy. Leather or vinyl handbags tended to be cleaner than cloth handbags, and lifestyle seemed to play a role. People with kids tended to have dirtier handbags than those without, with one exception. The handbag of one single woman who frequented nightclubs had one of the worst contaminations of all. "Some type of feces, or possibly vomit" says Amy. So the moral of this story - your handbag won't kill you, but it does have the potential to make you very sick if you keep it on places where you eat. Use hooks to hang your handbag at home and in toilets, and don't put it on your desk, a restaurant table, or on your kitchen countertop. Experts say you should think of your handbag the same way you would a pair of shoes. "If you think about putting a pair of shoes onto your countertops, that's the same thing you're doing when you put your handbag on the countertops" - your handbag has gone where individuals before you have sneezed, coughed, spat, urinated, emptied bowels, etc! Do you really want to bring that home with you? The microbiologists at Nelson also said cleaning a handbag will help. Wash cloth handbags and use leather cleaner to clean the bottom of leather handbags.

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where: :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) :-( Well, how about some "ASSICONS?" Here goes: (_!_) a regular ass (__!__) a fat ass (!) a tight ass (_*_) a sore ass {_!_} a swishy ass (_o_) an ass that's been around (_x_) kiss my ass (_X_) leave my ass alone (_zzz_) a tired ass (_E=mc2_) a smart ass (_$_) Money coming out of his ass (_?_) Dumb Ass

This is sooooooooo funny!! If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy... Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister Sue. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won. Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job