Master Rick Sir's blog: "My Rants and Ramblings"

How many of these can you get? Especially the last 4 are challenging. The are great for bars. Q1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms: The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him? Q2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be? Q3. A magician was boasting one day at how long he could hold his breath under water. His record was 6 minutes. A kid that was listening said, "that's nothing, I can stay under water for 10 minutes using no type of equipment or air pockets!" The magician told the kid if he could do that, he'd give him $10,000. The kid did it and won the money. Can you figure out how? Q4. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug? Q5. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and grey when you throw it away? Q6. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday? Q7. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching! Q8. You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in? Q9. If you overtake the last person, then you are...? Q10. (in your head!) Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total? Q11. Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter? Now how many could you answer? Scroll down for answers:- ANSWERS:- A1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead. A2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry. A3. The kid filled a glass of water and held it over his head for 10 minutes. A4. Colour and Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in the barrel. You will be able to tell which water came from which jug. A5. The answer is Charcoal. In Homer Simpson's words: hmmmm... Barbecue. A6. Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow. A7. The letter "e", which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph A8. If you answer that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! A9. If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?! A10. Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! A11. Nunu? NO! Of course not. The fifth daughter is Mary. Read the question again.

If you are going to live or visit in the South you will need a set of these rules: 1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym. 2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get out of the way. 3. The red dirt...it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the color don't wash your car for a couple weeks - it'll be permanent. 4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it. 5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for...bait. 6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot. 7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the time. 8. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. 9. Tea...yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is sweet. You want it hot...sit it in the sun. You want it unsweetened...add a lot of water. 10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. 11. So you have a sixty thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We have a quarter of a million-dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year. 12. Let's get this straight.. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow. 13. We eat dinner together with our families. We pray before we eat (yeah, even breakfast). We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays and we go to high school football games on Friday nights. We still address our seniors with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am," and we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors. 14. We don't do "hurry up" well. 15. Greens...yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You boil them with salty fatback, bacon or a ham hock. 16. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream (pronounced brim) and carp. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop. 17. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it.Don't like it? Interstate 65 goes two ways...Interstate 40 goes the other two. Pick one. 18. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want Cream of Wheat...go to K Kansas. That would be I-40 west. 19. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or dove season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, sausage before daylight at the church on either day. 20. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called being friendly. Understand the concept? 21. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the gators...and if you hit it in the rough, we have these things called diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players. 22. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving l ike an idiot...his name is "Sir," no matter how young he is. 23. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on your hood. 24. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature...all four of them...enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2.50 fine for beating up the flag burner. 25. No, we don't care how you do things up North. If it is so great up there, why not visit a Northern state or stay there? And, no, down here, we don't have an accent, you do! 26. We have a lot more guns than we do television sets, and we LOVE TV! If you don't like guns, remember the Interstate system works BOTH ways! 27. There are 3 major spectator sports in the south: Football, NASCAR, and stormy weather! 28. In the south we pull the car over when a funeral procession goes by, it's called showing respect. And even if you complain about it, we will still pull our cars over for your funeral, which may be sooner than you think. 29. Those briars you are complaining about scratching your $500 Gucci shoes aren't weeds, they are blackberry bushes. They serve TWO functions, they produce blackberries for blackberry jam, and they test how tough your clothing is; we like them!

~~~ Close Call ~~~ 01, 09, 2007 I was a very happy person. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me ... it was her beautiful younger sister. She was twenty-two, tight miniskirts, generally braless. She would bend down when near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day "little" sister phoned and asked me to come over. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test... we couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car! Yes ...it is a joke...

I think you will get a "Pinch and a Slap" out of this. A former submissive sent this to me yesterday and I thought I would share it. It is called : " 12 Days Of A BDSM Christmas " By; anonymous On the first day of Christmas my Master handcuffed me to a branch on a big pear tree... On the second day of Christmas my Master gave to me, two nipple clamps while handcuffed to the pear tree... On the third day of Christmas my Master gave to me, three good tugs on the two nipple clamps, while handcuffed to the pear tree... On the fourth day of Christmas my Master gave to me, four probing fingers, three good tugs on the two nipple clamps, while handcuffed to the pear tree... On the fifth day of Christmas my Master gave to me, five vibes that sing... four probing fingers, three good tugs on the two nipple clamps, while handcuffed to the pear tree... On the sixth day of Christmas my Master gave to me, six clitty rings, five vibes that sing... four probing fingers, three good tugs on the two nipple clamps, while handcuffed to the pear tree... On the seventh day of Christmas my Master gave to me, seven paddle whacks, six clitty rings, five vibes that sing... four probing fingers, three good tugs on the two nipple clamps, while handcuffed to the pear tree... On the eighth day of Christmas my Master gave to me, eight whips that crack, seven paddle whacks, six clitty rings, five vibes that sing... four probing fingers, three good tugs on the two nipple clamps, while handcuffed to the pear tree... On the ninth day of Christmas my Master gave to me, nine nasty pinches, eight whips that crack, seven paddle whacks, six clitty rings, five vibes that sing... four probing fingers, three good tugs on the two nipple clamps, while handcuffed to the pear tree... On the tenth day of Christmas my Master gave to me, ten tender touches, nine nasty pinches, eight whips that crack, seven paddle whacks, six clitty rings, five vibes that sing... four probing fingers, three good tugs on the two nipple clamps, while handcuffed to the pear tree... On the eleventh day of Christmas my Master gave to me, eleven loving kisses, ten tender touches, nine nasty pinches, eight whips that crack, seven paddle whacks, six clitty rings, five vibes that sing... four probing fingers, three good tugs on the two nipple clamps, while handcuffed to the pear tree... On the twelfth day of Christmas my Master gave to me, 12 silver chains, eleven loving kisses, ten tender touches, nine nasty pinches, eight whips that crack, seven paddle whacks, six clitty rings, five vibes that sing... four probing fingers, three good tugs on the two nipple clamps, while handcuffed to the pear tree.

Ok.... Here's a list of the "NEW RULES" for the upcomming year! I am posting it now to let you have plenty of ADVANCE WARNING! I wonder if anyone will follow these NEW RULES ? New Rule 1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn. New Rule 2: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? New Rule 3: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: "lucky bastards". New Rule 4: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man , they're pictures of men. New Rule 5: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. New Rule 6: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some Barcardi over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water. New Rule 7: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis. New Rule 8:The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the ass hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," Oooh, you're a huge asshole. New Rule 9: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Milkyway. New Rule 10: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. New Rule 11: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show." New Rule 12: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two. New Rule 13:If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. New Rule 14:No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's another version of looting.