I wonder what the first guy that found out that milk comes out of a cow was doing.

Don't get my personality and my attitude twisted, because my personality is me, my attitude depends on you!

I didn't do it!! It was the little purple leprechaun I swear!! The little blue dragon will confirm my alibi! Don't put me back in the little white room PLEASE!!

hears someone screaming. That's the last time I buy Duct Tape at the dollar store!

Woke up this morning and checked out the obituary. The people i hate still aren't dead! dang, maybe tomorrow :)

They say don't drink and drive but today i was drinking a juice box and riding my bike :) i felt so dangerous!

I never make the same mistake twice. Three, four times maybe. But never twice.

Cell phones should have the option to change "airplane mode" to "drunk mode". That way your drunk texts never leave your phone.

Life should be taken with a grain of salt, (and a slice of lime and some tequila!)

i always choose rock. when someone claims they beat me with paper, i punch them in the face and say 'oh I'm sorry. i thought paper would protect you, douchebag'

is in one of these moods even the devil says,"Oh lord, help me, he's up"

Ignorance is a disease that is contagious if not treated quickly. Treatment: Punch ignorant people in the face at first sign of the disease.

God, Grant me the patience not to kill anybody today.

i might have gotten away with it if I hadn't ask the cop to hold my beer so i could find my license & registration.

ALCOHOL, because no good story ever started with,"Well I was sitting there eatin this salad"

Telling the cop that you thought the voice in your GPS counted as a designated driver doesn't help your case.

And for your information, I did NOT escape , they gave me a day pass. Thank You very much!

Thinks it would be funny as hell to hear a leprechaun say "Hey Bitch, yeah you! Suck me Lucky Charms, They're MAGICALLY DELICIOUS"!

Don't drink the green beer! It's leprechaun pee!

Bought my ex a chair but the state won't let me plug it in.