When you said "friends with benefits," I assumed you owned a liquor store.

A bird in the hand is bad table manners.

There was a safety meeting at work today. They asked "what steps would you take in the event of a fire?" F*cking big ones was apparently the wrong answer.

Know the difference between people in Dubai, and people in Abu Dhabi? People in Dubai do not like the Flintstones. People in Abu Dhabi Do! Bazinga

The best protection against all the craziness in the world right now is a good sense of humor. A slightly bent one is even better.

Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas, and hopefully, a better, safer, happier New Year.

What did the over-excited gardener do when spring came? She wet her plants.

What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.

A man goes to the doctor and says “I’ve got a problem, I have 5 penises.” The doctor says “Wow, how do your pants fit?” He replies, “Like a glove.”

We touch so many people on our journey through life. Fortunately, very few actually press charges.

Did you hear the one about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?

I went out dressed like a chicken last night, and I met a girl who was dressed like an egg. One thing led to another and the lifelong question was answered: it was the chicken.

The best curve on a girl is her smile… Naw, just kiddin!

I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night.

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

It only takes one ray of sunshine to chase away the darkness. Or bourbon.

You sit around gettin' older, There's a joke here somewhere and it's on me, I'll shake this world off my shoulders, Come on, baby, this laugh's on me.

Happy Holidays to all my Fubar friends

Did you know that if you hold your ear up to a strangers leg you can actually hear them say "what the hell are you doing?"

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly? The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."