I know my limit. I just keep passing out before I reach it.

Everyone's nervous these days. Ronald McDonald has hired six bodyguards, and that's just to protect his buns.

As I've gotten older I look better, feel better, make love better and I'll tell you something else....I never lied better.

Let me get one thing straight; I'm not an authority on sex, I'm more of a fan. I think sex is nice; nobody should be without it. Of course, there are other things that are just as important as sex, like uh . . . like uh . . . like . . . uh . . . well, I'll think of it later.

I’m pretty confident my last words are going to be, “ Well shit - that didn’t work out !

Idolizing a politician is like believing the stripper really likes you.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

Being against evil doesn't make you good.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed...

One time I was in a bar and there was this really weird guy pouring booze all over his hand. Turned out he was trying to get his date drunk.

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

A Person is Smart, People Are Dumb

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The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

There are laws to protect the freedom of the press's speech, but none that are worth anything to protect the people from the press!

If you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.

Too much of anything is bad, but too much good whiskey is barely enough.

Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.

Critics are men who watch a battle from a high place then come down and shoot the survivors.