If people could read my mind I probably get punched in my face.... A lot.

All i'm saying is,i've never seen my ex and satan in the same room together.

It's not that I have bad taste in women. It's that bad women taste so good.

What's a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?

I think you and me could make a good really bad decision together

Trust me,when I woke up this morning had no intentios of being awesome,but shit happens!

Box of condoms: 4.99 .Cashiers face when you ask wheres the fitting room; Priceless

letting someone borrow your phone..........then remembering THOSE photos that are on your phone

when someone yells stop,i dont know if it's in the name of love,it's hammer time,or if I should collaberate an listen

Anyone play Dice With Buddies and would like to play? Mine is goodbyeaggies12

Top 3 things men know about women. 1) 2) 3)

Today I feel like a tampon........in a good place but at the wrong time

The fastest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is just open the door.....................and push her the hell out!

I'm emotionally constipated.....I haven't given a shit in days

How to win her love: (1) Open doors (2) Tell her she's beautiful (3) Make her laugh (4) Be confident (5) Smack her ass and pull her hair

My neighbors complain cause I walk around my yard with nothing but my boxers. I dont see the problem, I think they make a lovely hat!

Sometimes when im laying in my bed,in the dark,it takes several minutes to find the hole to stick it in..............stupid phone charger!

Whenever I see someone behaving inappropiately in public, im always fairly certain its one of yall.

You know those two little guys who sit on your shoulders telling you to do good or evil,yeah mine called in sick today so im on my own today

IRONY: All the guys are excited to see a movie with a teddy bear,and the girls are excited about a movie with strippers?