A buttload is an actual measurement for drug smugglers.

If you come up to my friends bedroom door and there is a sock on the door handle it means he is having sex..... Probably with the other sock.

That grass that you think is greener. They use bullshit for fertilizer. Think about that before you jump the fence.

Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you've been screwed to get there.

Want the truth? Just ask a kid.

Spilling your drink is the adult equivalent of letting your balloon go

Staying quiet doesn’t mean i have nothing to say, it means i don’t think you ‘re ready to hear my thoughts..

Me: This chicken is undercooked. Wife: You don't appreciate my cooking. Me: I think the vet could save it if it we leave right now.

I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it'll just be my turn.

Admit it, at some point in time you've tried to see if you had superpowers.

The older I get the more I notice people I enjoy being around and people I'm sexually attracted to are never the same person.

If people rode their spouses like they did their brakes the divorce rate would drop drastically.

"It's complicated" relationship status = someone cheated but we signed a lease

This bar doesn't know it yet, but it's about to be karaoke night.

How many licks until I get to the center of your universe?

It is now day 15 of the shutdown. Since the national parks are closed, nobody is monitoring the cougars so please put a leash on your mom.

I'm wearing that smile you gave me.

Save your little napkin, bartender. I don't plan on having this drink long enough to set it down.

"Don't let a hot date turn into a due date."--my father's actual sex talk with me when I was 13.

I ate gummy bears and didn't bite off their heads or make screaming noises as they entered my mouth and I think this means I'm an adult now.