Work is seriously interfering with my fu time. Imma have to do something about this

Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know, like celebrating that you are breathing.

Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.

I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the shit out of each other because it's negative.

I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the shit out of each other because it's negative.

"This is embarrassing, but would you believe we actually met offline?" - married couples in 5 years.

I've got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. It's time to find out EXACTLY how many licks it takes :)

There really is no good way to tell a man who doesn't speak English that his pants are unzipped.

Mondays are Sunday's poop

Sunday morning's mysterious bruises are Saturday night's drinking badges of honor :)

I put my pants on like anyone else. By court ordered mandate. :D

Have you clicked on Bad Santa's buttons yet? You can do it over and over...he gives the best bad presents when you push his buttons. Link on my page. Or would you rather only get boring good boy n girl presents this year??? :@

Have you clicked on Bad Santa's buttons yet? You can do it over and over...he gives the best bad presents when you push his buttons. Or would you rather only get good boy and girl presents this year?

I will be thoroughly disappointed if the first human born on Mars isn’t named Marvin.

There are plenty of fish in the sea…I just suck at fishing, according to my BFFFE :)

You know it's spring break when you walk outside and hear "shot! Shot! Shot" coming from the beach at 11:15 on a Wednesday night

Sitting on back porch getting some sun while enjoying a wine n orange soda spritzer, and working. Sometimes, once in a while, life says 'ok, here, it's been shitty for you lately, enjoy this!' And I am :)

Marriage: betting half your sh*t you'll love each other forever :)

St. Patrick's Day rule to live by:when you start seeing leprechauns it's time to stop drinking

Happy St. Paddy's Day! Be sure to clean your toilet this morning in case you have to pray to it later tonight! :)