I always use fresh sarcasm, never canned.

Just a PSA... being a dick won’t make yours bigger.

Essential because sacrificial sound too much like the truth.

Off to work because I’m “essential”

Go see what pornhub changed their name to... you’re welcome

I’ve actually got a permission slip to go to WORK!!! Smh

Can someone explain to me how corona virus translates into the hunger games toilet paper edition?

Home from work sick.....

Migraines suck..... goodnight.

At work, will return pokes when I can.

Remember ladies, if he treats you like a toy, be Annabelle.

If you can't laugh at yourself, come sit with me and I'll laugh at you.

Whoever decided we need 5 days of work and 2 days rest, your moms a hoe.

Wake n bake anyone?

Constipated people don't give a shit.

Why do you take so long in the shower? Are you trying to scrub off your bad decisions?

No, I'm not feeling violent. I'm feeling creative with weapons

I don't like being told what to do.... unless I'm naked.

Ass hats.... asshats everywhere I look.

Santa brought me a new toaster for my bathtub