2006 sucks ass.. this has been the worst year of my life.. Donnie and I moved in together in January. Things were going very well. Then in the beginning of Febuary we found out i was pergnant. I started having problems right from the start. I kept cramping and hurting really bad. I went to the emergency room and they told me that the test came out positive but they didnt see anything from my ultrasound and my HCG level was very low. so they told me to come back in a few days it i was still hurting or started bleeding. 2 days later i started hurting really bad and went back, they ran test and then informed me that i had lost the baby. I was completely torn apart. I was left to believe that I would NEVER have children. my ex husband and I tried for years and went to doctors and i still couldnt get pregnant. and people that know me know that all i have ever wanted out of life was to be a mother. So when i found out i was pregnant FINALLY i was thrilled, only to be told a few days later i had lost my baby. For weeks i was trying to deal with the lost. it was 1 of the hardest thing i have ever done. 3 weeks after i was told that i miscarried I was still having symptoms. so i went to another doctor and guess what?? I was 6 weeks pregnant. i never lost the baby. can you imagine the rage i felt towards that other doctor?? i mean how can you tell someone they lost their baby? and come to find out he had to have known something because when you miscarry you HCG level drops, mine didnt it had doubled within 2 days. So why would this man tell me that? 4 weeks after i found out i was still pregnant I did lose the baby. I had to have surgery because my body wouldnt pass the baby on its own. Since then i live my life and try to block it out. however it seems to be haunting me lately. My due date was Halloween, maybe thats way that this is weighing on my mind. I keep dreaming about it. I guess it dont help that we just found out my sister in law is pregnant. I am happy for the addition to my family but, at the same time Im am jealous as hell. people tell me that we can try again, but Im not ready for that, Im pretty damn scared about it happening again. and donnie isnt ready for a baby right now. I know someday I will have my dream of being amother but at the moment I feel like it is NEVER going to happen....
