Firstly, about you:
Please be informed that I am not a "Cam"-girl, I'm also not an on demand porn star or a prostitute; Please do not treat me as if I were one and that you have paid your fee to have your way with me. I do not have yahoo or instant messenger, they are strictly prohibited on my job by my employer. Since I can't use them at work, I have no need of them when at home because my PC is there. When I am at a friend's house, they all have PC's I can use to check on my various on-line interests and activities if I need to.

Secondly, about me:
I was in a long term relationship, it turned abusive, very abusive, most people cannot imagine how bad these things can be, I hope they never know. It is difficult for me to trust people now, I need to heal and to try and figure out who I am again and what I want to do with the rest of my life now that I am no longer engaged or even able to really date anyone.

I feel like I am damaged on the inside now and don't know if I will ever be able to let my self love someone so completely and selflessly again.

I am here to meet interesting people, I do not wish to cause anyone harm or to be involved in a never ending quest for points, this is not a contest to me, I like it here. If you rate me, I will rate you back when I can, that is all it is, a profile rate, it doesn't give you rights or control over me. If I like you, I will talk to you. If not, I won't. I am new to this and learning, please do not take offense if there is no immediate reply or response to your queries or e-mails, I am not purposely choosing to ignore you, if I do not want to talk to you, I will just block you, that is what it is for, if I have not answered, it means I am busy with something or stepped away from the PC for a moment.

This is a safe environment for me to start interacting with people again and hopefully healing my wounded spirit and soul.

I will be uploading photos soon. I am going to be very cautious in what I choose to upload, my friends all agree. I have already had a bad experience with a stray comment here, and do not want a repeat.

The photos of me that I am going to upload were taken before my face was surgically repaired, I only have one photo that was taken afterward that I can bare to look at and you have already seen it. I asked my ex-fiance for my photo albums back after the dust had cleared a little, he sent them back in a bag full of ashes. 5 years with him (over 3 years engaged) and I lost a life time of pictures, almost all were irreplaceable. Yeah, he sucked, believe me I so more than get it.

I am very self-conscious of how I look now. I will load the photos I have. I will also load pictures of people, images, or things that I like or think that you might like. Please do not pressure me for anything I am not prepared, able, or willing to give right now.

My ex-F also apparently loaded some pictures of me to various internet sites, nothing bad mind you, it just sucks that there are pictures of me out there that I don't have and would love to get back; the one picture that I do have of me, that I can actually stand, a friend found for me. What is posted is not the photo in it's entirety, but along the lines of pictures my ex-F liked, a little "racey". I think he really liked the new me and was proud that he was the one who caused the "new" me to be "created". Looking back, I don't know how I could have been so blinded by my love for him, that I could not see the monster he was turning into. I even thought some of it might be my fault... I still don't really understand it all...

People tell me I am pretty, my friends tell me I am pretty and that they would kill or die to look like I do, that I am very lucky. I don't feel lucky, or pretty, I feel damaged and broken and like I have been melted down and put back together in the best way a surgeon could when all he had was the broken pieces. I think some of my friends are much nicer to look at than I am. They think I am crazy, and with everything that I have been through, I probably am, at least a little anyway.

I can only see the differences in how I look now from before, it still doesn't look like me when I look in the mirror, I see a stranger staring back at me. Someone told me once that ?sensation? might not ever go away, I hope he is wrong, but it sure feels like it is true.

I hope some day to look in the mirror and just see myself again, undamaged, unbroken, I don't know if it will ever happen though. My friends are my life, they are wonderful and I love them dearly, I do not know what I would do without them and hope to never ever have to find out what life would be like without them in it. They protect me and keep me feeling as normal as possible, most of the time, anyway.

I wish all of you well and hope the best for each and everyone of you in life. See you, be well, live well, know yourself, be kind and excellent to each other, and to that be true above everything else. In the end, that is all we really have.