Have a safe and fun weekend!

Years ago, my girlfriend said,"It's me or the beer!" I wonder how she's doing...

I'd love to make up my mind, but I can't remember where I left it.

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A turkey was chatting with a bull."I would love to be Able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy.""Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull."They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about all his employees well being asked sympathetically,"What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies..."Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl."Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly states..."No.. I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blond to work as usual..." If you need anything just let me know." A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde...he looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!!!!! He rushes out to her asking" What's so bad now... are you gonna be okay??""No..." exclaims the blonde," I just received a horrible call from my sister and she said that her mom died too!!!!"

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said,"I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that Statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over."Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said,"We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check."I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man."There's no money in that account.""I know," said the old man,"but can you imagine the weekend I had?" Don't mess with Old People.

A teenage girl came home from school and asks her mother,"Is it true what Rita just told me?""What's that?" asks her mother."That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter."Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter."But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager,"won't it knock my teeth out?"

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther,"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and Earlene got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again." Luther asks Billy Bob,"So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says,"This year I'm taking Earlene with me.

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened."First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner."Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." The Inspector asked,"What of the third body?""Ah," says the coroner,"this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning.""Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector."Thought he was having his picture taken.

I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to understand how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers."How would you feel," I asked,"if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?""Nah," one boy answered,"I'd just figure it was my sister's date."

A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12, opened the door."Is yer pa home?" he asked."No sir, he sure ain't," the boy replied."He went to town.""Well," said the farmer."Is yer ma home?""No, she ain't here either. She went to town with pa.""Well, then, how about yer brother, Joe, is he here?""No sir, he went with pa and ma." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself."Is there anything I kin do fer ya'?" inquired the young boy politely."I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one; Or maybe I could take a message fer pa." Well," said the farmer uncomfortably,"I really wanted to talk to yer pa. It's about your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant." The boy considered for a moment."You would have to talk to pa about that," he finally conceded."I know that pa charges $500 for the bull and $250 for the boar hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Joe."

One day George was betting on the ponies nearly losing his shirt, when he noticed a priest who had stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse (a very long shot) won the race. George was most interested to see what the priest did in the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed his blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. George made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, though another long shot, the horse won. George collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse. George bet on it and won! George was elated. As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses and it always came in first. George began to pull in some serious money and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the bank and withdrew every penny he owned, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to place the bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. George placed his bet -- every cent he owned -- and watched the horse come in last. George was dumbfounded! He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded,"What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you bless a horse and he loses. Now I've lost my life savings thanks to you!" The priest nodded wisely and said,"That's the problem with you Sunday only Christians.""You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it."Is it wine?" she guessed."No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked," Champagne ?"No," said the little boy..."It's a puppy!"

A gastroenterologist claims these are actual comments made by his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:"Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before.""Find Amelia Earhart yet?""Can you hear me NOW?""Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!""Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?""You know, in some states, we're now legally married.""Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?""You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out.. You do the Hokey Pokey....""Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!""If your hand doesn't fit, you musta quit!""Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.""You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?""Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, ' I bet any minute now some senior citizen is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.' No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior citizen walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked"What are you sellin' here?" One of the men replied sarcastically,"We're selling assholes." Without skipping a beat, the old timer said,"You're doing well. Only two left."

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement. Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it. If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet. The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket. To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai. Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single. Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

A small redneck Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very"in the mood", and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part-time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions."First," he said," I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this." The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition."Well," said Ed,"You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."