lets see here so much to say that my mind is like a prison of shackles and chains that begs to be set free..but in all that is needed of spilling onto this mindless contraption i call a diary.....it spins uncontrollably and i am just trying to make it all make some kind of sense before i put it into words on fine print...
this past week has been a little on edge..had to do alot of soul searching and letting things pass by without a scar..i heard from the notorius "jane" once again...and hopefully wont have to again....ever...i know who it is and it kills me to think that he would do such a thing or say such harsh words of me....i have not been a perfect angel inlife ...no one can be and those that say they have ..are true liars at heart....i am who i am..i fuck up...i hold grudges...i dont pray to a god that so may love and cherish yet i despise beyond harsh reality.....i am who i am....love me or hate me in the end..ur choice..ur thought..but dont judge me before knowing me....thats the worst......anyway..."jane" pushed some buttons in me that i have not had pushed in a while now....coincidense? not anymore..i am sure and postive of who it is...and i cnat believe it could be..the things said in the message were beyond harsh and cruel...they were words that didnt make sense to me for that is not who i am and not what i do or am about......to put it lightly...it said alot of damage of me being a putppet and he is my puppet master...and to dance puppet dance...how awkward for one to say ...yet in the end normal....because of who it is...they know what to say to hurt me..to be called anything in the world is nothing to be ...but to mentioned as an unfit mother...or a whore..is wrong in its own sense...i am not perfect...especially at being a single parent...or being single in general...but i am trying..i give in to temptation as any of us do...but i am not stupid...and as far as the words that he said in the message of being "up one day down the next...a phycho path on the way to a downward spiral of chaous....." yes i do have my ups and downs..thats why i blog.....it helps release the tension in my soul.....and some days i have good ones some days i have bad...but thats me and thats what i do..dont like it? dont read it...simple as that....and the other part of the message that really hit home was the statement "keith is happy....and u r a lost soul....he is hapier now than ever..and past all the torture and prison like place u called a marriage..." obviously someone that doesnt know of what life was dealt to us thruout our marriage..and obviously someone who would not understand the meaning of two faults in one......yes he did alot worse damage to me and the kids....physically, mentally...but i was not perfect...not close to what he did....but perfect? i never would consider myself that way.....i did some wrongdoings in my past and i openly admit to them all..but what he unleashed on us...i could not comprehend doing to anyone...ever...it was beyond harsh and words could not descibe the internal scars he left with our children...and the internal and physical scars i have .......he demolished everything we were.....we are not who we once were and we never will be them again...we have changed to the point of "trusting noone but each other"....thank you keith for that.....it taught us so much about who we are and why we let him do what he did for so long.....civil ground? i cant believe i let that happen..i opened the door for him to redo what he once did..only i didnt follow him to get the gluteoned punishment....i walked the other way.....so yes...in the end i have changed....and this is one reason i am sane...this mindless internet diary...this "blog" as they call it....it helps me mend my tormented spirit...it helps me get out the wrongdoings and not take it out on my self or anoyone else..after blogging...i smile and the pressure is lifted...the peace returns...life is once again just that...life..but i still have the undying ? of "why"? why did i let him back into our lives only to redo what he once did...why did i bow down to the pressure of "a father should see his kids"...when in the end..he was never a father at all..he was nothing more that a person that watched children and complained about it....a person of hate and torment worse than my own and he will never change..noone can change my mind on that one....he is who he is and that is that...he may change for the worse...but never the better....he will always be what he is...a torturous soul that loves to keep his "loves" close and hurt them just to see the tears and the just to have the feeling of power over them...oh yes he is good at making others think he is so good...such a great guy..oh he has changed..blah blah blah..but to spend ten yrs with one person....one will know them inside and out ...or that should be the case....yet even "I" did not see that he was merely covering and shadowing the harshness till a later date..he is who he is as i am who i am....that will never change..because deep down ..no one changes..they are who they will always be,....but some just have a better way of covering it..thats why i always say...i am who i am.........i am who i once was..i am not a changed person....i still crave for the poison to take away the pain..but i choose not to get that ...i choose to vent on here rather than subside myself to illegals to get thru the night...i do what i do..and hard as it may be...i have to....i have three beautiful.....yet turmonic children that need me more than ever they are who i am..they make me whole and i would never change that...now i have to sink thru to them that what once was...is not what it has to be..everything happens for a reason.....life is what u make it not what others put onto u.....i dont know..maybe im wrong..maybe int he end "jane is right"...but i am me....i love my children i work my ass off...alone...just to get by...and life is hell...but we "deal" witht he hell left unto us.....day by day...with each other......how else....there is no other way to get by but just day by day..."the future"? not to us..that word means nothing to us....it never will anymore....we live on a 24 hr basis of meaning...we love each other day by day.....i have the scars to hold onto the past..and my children have the internal pain that consumes them and is thrown unto me...but i am strong..i have dealt with harsher of dealings...i wil get thru to them...one day i will...i didnt leave...i am still here...is a constant saying to my saviors.....every time we have our family talks....i am here..i am not leaving ..... is a constant reminder to them of my love and affection....i do what i do...for them and only for them...i know one day they will see that...i now all the hard work will pay off one day when they grow up and realize life is what it is because mom was here........mom never left..mom struggled but continued to make us smile...or at least try to.....they are who i am..they are my children ...and ill be damned if he enters ever again....ever...ever ..... ever....hate me for this..ur choice...but live with what once was...thats the only way u can judge me.....tata sweets..lisa anne
