Subject: Chili Cook Off
>
>If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope
>for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this
>slowly.
>
>If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third
>judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you
know
>how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time
>Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at
>the San Antonio City Park . Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster
>named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL.
>
>Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
>cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
>happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to
>the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other
>two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy
and,
>besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
>accepted."
>
>Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
>
>
>*****************************************************
>
>
>CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
>
>Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>
>Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
>
>Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
>remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames
>out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
>*****************************************************
>
>CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
>
>
>Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>
>Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
> seriously.
>
>Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm
>supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to
>give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw
>the look on my face
>************************************************
>
>CHILI # 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
>
>Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
>
>Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
>
>Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like
>I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
more
>beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone
is in
>the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of the beer.
>
>*****************************************************
>
>CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
>
>Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>
>Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or
>other mild foods not much of a chili.
>
>Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to
>taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid,
was
>standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to
>look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?
>
>*****************************************************
>CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
>
>Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding
>considerable kick. Very impressive.
>
>Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit
>the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>
>Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I
>can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
>paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili
>had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring
>beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off.
>It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming.
>
>*****************************************************
>CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
>
>Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
>spices and peppers.
>
>Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.
>Superb.
>
>Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
>sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it
will
>eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that
>Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my rear end with a
snow
>cone.
>
>*****************************************************
>CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
>
>Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>
>Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
>chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried
>about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
>uncontrollably.
>
>Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
>wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds
>like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
>slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
>shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
>decided to stop breathing it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen
>anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in
my
>stomach.
>
>*****************************************************
>CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
>
>Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold
>but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>
>Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor
>hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
>out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not
sure if
>he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to
really
>hot chili?
>
>Judge # 3 - No Report