Namaste FuBarBarians: I usually never get so EMO to as write about the sadness that I feel. However, a lot has happened since my last blogs that I finally feel I can share. Super Bowl Sunday: I was at the jewelry store buying my girlfriend at the time, an engagement ring. I get home and we chat online and she told me that she had just cheated on me. She cheated on me with her ex boyfriend whom she told me she still has feelings for. I dumped her of course; however, I had second thoughts that night. I thought about how wonderful she was for the two years we dated and all the small things I would give up. Her honesty should be rewarded and her guilt was punishment enough. So I decide to take her back. Where she tells me not to because she knows I no longer trust her, besides some of the things I said when I dumped her she felt tho deserved were too hateful to forgive. I have never been a clingly or a lonely person, but like most pathetic fools, I overly tried to win her back, only to push her farther away. When I went to collect my stuff, she was drunk, and we had sex at her insistence. I missed my guitar lesson, cause she was so drunk I had to make sure she did not drown in the toilet or get a concussion or break her neck. I was there for her, despite all that was said and done. Yet, as much as I was there for her, she was not there for me when I needed a home cooked meal and a cuddle and snuggle session on the worse Valentines day of my life. We ended up not talking to each other for a few weeks. We made up and we are friends, but it will never be the same. I wanted to marry her. I knew who I wanted and what I wanted and where I wanted to go. Now I do not know myself, much less what I want, who I want and where I want to go in life.
I am upset that there was no way to work things out with my current girlfriend. We love each other, but in this economy, love is not enough. Her friends did her a favor in letting her move to North Carolina next week. I am not welcome simply because ther is no room. When I told her I was wiling to do the long distance thing she said she wasn't and that I need to find someone more stable and that she needs to find stability and quit being a nomad. WOW. We were neighbors, saw each other everyday. We helpped each other find work and better jobs. However, that is not enough to keep a relationship going I guess. I guess I just need to be single. (Stay Intoxicated Nightly, Get Laid Everyday).
Yes I was in love, still am, and that is why i doubt I could ever be in a relationship beyond sex. I had it all and it was perfect. Guess my timing is off as always. The relationship I was in before this one, I was going to pop the question. The day I was going to do it was the day she cheated on me.
Guess just like my newest ex is destined to be a nomad, I am destined to be single, but I dont want to be. I want to loved and be in love. It just seems to never be that way for me. She hates up rooting her life, but if she hated doing it so much why does she have to do it when she has love. I have takin my fair of the blame in all my breakups, and have dished out blame where it was warrented. This time the only persons to blame are those who caused m e to lose my job, my parents for not wanting to help out the woman I love who loves me, her uncle for throwing her out on the streets. My ex before her for making my life miserable and making me sick. I deserve better and so does my soon to be ex.
It hurts so much more to lose the ones you love knowing that you both still love each other.