Wicked Lil Girl's blog: "All About Wicked Lil Girl"

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha So, it’s my birthday . . . so what am I doing? I’m going to get drunk and cuff up all my friends and have a wild night, hehehe. Think I may need more cuffs though, I seem to have more friends than I remember . . . Lol. Anyway, despite the fact that I am feeling pretty damn old today I am going out, kicking off my shoes (amongst other things) and gonna have a great time. I will have my girls with me and some of the guys and dammit what more do I need really? Yeah never mind we won’t be answering that, hehehe. So, I will see a few of you I am sure the rest of you sorry you won’t be cuffed and joining, but maybe next time. Oh, I’ll make sure there are some good pics of it later . . . hehehe

Oh god how did I ever forget these ones in my last blog . . . 6. Men think that just because they are fucking you it means that they have a chance with your friends ~ Hmmm, now ok I Know that men will hop into bed a fuck a bitch before his buddy is even out of the room but my friends are not that way . . . Period. For the most part once you have fucked one of us that means you are off limits to the rest of us. It’s friendship thing and no matter how great you think your dick is our friendship is more important than your ego. Just accept the fact that if you fuck me then most of my female friends are never going to touch you . . . Really most of my female friends will stop talking to you as soon as I stop fucking you 7. Men we are fucking think it is perfectly acceptable to ask us for our friend’s phone numbers or to give our friends their phone numbers ~ See the explanation above to clarify most of this, but think even more about what we must be thinking of you after you make such a stupid request . . . Do you really think that we are going to want to fuck you again if you keep repeating this stupid ass request? Accept that our friends are off limits to you unless you are told otherwise and be happy with what you have or move on to a different woman with less devoted friends

Oh my god I have to bitch I can’t keep quiet anymore about the stupidity of some of the people I meet in life, not all mind you but damn a pretty good chunk of them lately. I am speaking on no one in particular here just a generalization of the people I have encountered lately. So bear with me as I vent and try to explain some of my rules that apply in such situations . . . 1. Men seem to think that if you are “bisexual” that means an automatic threesome for them ~ Ok, just because I will hop in bed with a gal as easily as a guy doesn’t mean that I want them both at the same time per se. I am completely turned off by men who automatically assume that they are going to hop into bed with me and a female friend . . . Ya know what fellas? If we want you to join we will invite you, otherwise you are better off to keep your mouth shut. 2. Men seem to think that women want to her nonstop how hot their friends are ~ For the record we know how hot our friends are, they are our friends, we don’t need you reminding us every minute of how amazing her ass is or hot great her rack is or what have you. You are fucking us, not them, and if you want to continue fucking us then you will learn to keep your mouth shut because we don’t want to think that you are only with us because our friends we unavailable. 3. Men for some reason think it is acceptable to tell us what great taste we have in other women ~ We do not care if you approve of who we think is attractive. We do not need your stamp of approval in order to feel validated in our attractions, as a matter of fact maybe you should take a long look at yourself and wonder why if we have such great taste in women what we are doing with a man like you. 4. Men think women are the only ones who jump to conclusions about relationships ~ Men are just as guilty in this area they will just never admit it. Ya know what? The fact of the matter is that just because I am fucking you doesn’t mean that I want to be with you for the rest of my life. Actually it probably means that I wanted to get laid and you were around when I was ready . . . If I fuck you more than once then it means you were good enough to keep around for a while but in no way means that I want anything else from you. 5. Men think once one woman screws them over that all bitchy women are out to do the same thing ~ Stop and think for a minute . . . If I want to screw you over that badly that means that I must rearrange my life and focus on you for how ever long it takes to fully implement such a plan . . . Get over yourself I don’t care that much about you, you are not worth the time it takes for me to screw you over Ok so this is only five for now . . . I’m just too tired to go on right now, there will be more later trust me J

Ok so I am thinking that I just have relationships on my mind pretty badly tonight so I am going to write this blog and hopefully clear all realted thought away for now. I decided that I am going to give some tips on what I enjoy and what will make me weak in the knees and make me want to come back for more over and over again . . . Which I am sure some other gals will agree with and others will think I am insane, lol. But I am honest and that is what matters. 1. A man who will be honest with me even if it means my feelings will be hurt for a little while. I want to know that he values honesty and recognizes that despite the initial pain the truth is always better. 2. A man who wants to be with me, not one who says he does, one that actually does. I want a man who puts effort into being with me. I want to know that I am the one he wants, even if it is just a quick email during the day, or a text to say hello, or a voicemail so I can listen to his voice. It’s those small things that I want. 3. A man who appreciates my sexual nature without exploiting it. 4. A man who knows how to please me in the bedroom and realizes that sometimes if he gives and doesn’t get he will be treated later. A man who takes his time to please me before himself. A man who will shove his hand down my pants and get me off in the morning before he leaves and doesn’t expect anything in return. 5. A man who knows exactly how to make me melt in the bedroom. A man who knows that my favorite thing for him to do it to get me off with his hands. Am man who knows that I would rather give him a blow job than anything else but don’t want to be begged for one. A man who will pull my hair and smack my ass and put me in my place if need be. 6. A man who can make me melt outside the bedroom. A man who tells me I am beautiful and means it. A man who tells me how good I look in that horrible outfit. A man who thinks I still look good a 4 am with no makeup and hair half pulled up in a pony tail. 7. A man who can communicate his wants, needs, and desires clearly. A man who can tell me exactly what to do to make him happy. A man who can tell me why he is angry. 8. A man who can balance the exact amount of jealousy with the exact amount of control. I want to know that he cares enough to fight for me if he needs to but don’t want him to start fights. There is more to I than this of course, but this is a short list that I can always add to later. Besides ya never know who will read it and figure something out.

Desire is enough to drive a person insane. The need to have something or someone despite the obvious facts that you can never have it. That fact alone will push you over the edge . . . Desire without satisfaction. Does anyone know what I am talking about at all? The desire to have something that you have longed after for so long. Anticipation rocks your body to the very core knowing that there is some chance that you can have it. You can work that hard and make it possible . . . You can have what your heart desires. But, you wake up the next day knowing that the day before was only a dream. The good mood was nothing but a fluke. Reality has set in again and you are back to your never ending quest to gain what you desire as well as your never ending trail of rejection laced tears. The river flows steadily behind you to mark your journey. You’ll be back after all. Those things in life that captivate and transfix us never go away only lurk in the shadows for a while. You never give up on the beauty of gaining what you have forever chased. It all boils down to desire in the end . . . Desire leads to optimism and optimism leads to disappointment and disappointment then turns to pain. It’s a vicious cycle that only succeeds in crucifying us in the end with the thoughts of our own desires and pitfalls . . . Welcome to 5am with a Wicked Lil Girl

To Those Who Read This And Know, There are many of you who know me and know what type of person I am, then there are a few of you who don't. Those people generally have some preconcieved notions of me and what I must be like for one reason or another. I used to it honestly, I get judged for what those around me do, what my family does or have done in the past, or even who my family is. People judge me unknowingly and then turn on me when I try to correct them, well no more. I am done defending myself and my actions or at times lack of actions. I am who I am and let me tell you I am just as human as you are only I knwo how to deal with things in life better than some and still not as good as others. I'm just sick of it, how many times do I have to explain who I am to people? Ok, this is it last time period. I am due to turn 30 years old n a few weeks and no I am not thrilled about it but I am not heart broken either. I weigh more than I should but am not uncomfortbale with the fact anymore. I am bitchier than need be at times but so is everyone else. I am a single mother with a son who will soon be 13 years old. I work hard at my job when I have to and I play just as hard when allowed. I cherish the people around me that stick with me no matter what I am going through. I am a loyal person and it takes a great deal to chase me away. I don't forget that I have been wronged in life but I do forgive and move and try not to think about the fact. I am a cold and very often distant person, there are people who I have known my entire life who still don't know everything there is to know about me. I do keep secrets but I will never lie, if I am not telling you then rest assured that there is a damn good reason for that. I have been in love once in my life with a person and once in my life with the idea of being in love. I am not sure that I believe in love anymore, or honestly if I ever really did. I know how to love . . . but loving and being in love are different entities altogether. I love many people, but not particularly in love with any of them. I do have some strong feelings for a few people in my life and they all know who there are. The man I was in love with years ago didn't ruin me or anything of the such, he simply moved a different direction in life than I wanted to go and I was hurt but I wished him well. We both moved on and have led good lives since then. I do get emotionally attached to the wrong people all of the time . . . buy this I do not mean that I fall in love with them, it means that I attract a certain type of person and then find myself attached on some level to them. I attract needy people who need to be rescued or saved. It is a hard thing to deal with at times but at the same time I have also met some of the greatest people in the world because of this. I'm not sure why such troubled people find me, I am not sure if they search me out or if there is something about me that screams out that I am an understanding person who will listen and try to help. I guess it doesn't matter I have found people through this who have profoundly changed me and I am thankful for that fact, very thankful. I mention this because it is part of who I am . . . I have a friend who tells me all the time that I have a big heart and I argue that fact constantly but I guess at times I do. I take care of those who need me. I do not like children and I probably never will. I love babies because they are so young and precious and innocent and pure, but once they can walk and talk I am not so crazy about them anymore. I think more than anything I love the idea of innocence that babies project because once that is lost in life there is no way to ever get that back. Purity of the soul is something that I think I strive for in life knowing I will never get to it. I set myself up with goals such as that all of the time just to watch myself fail miserbaly in my quest. I am sure that we all do it just not everyone is aware of or will admit to the fact that they do this. I know I do. I set goals that Ican never achieve but still work my ass off to attian them and then beat myself up endlessly when I can't. I have a complex in life, I think I need to be Superwoman on most days. I schedule things to do all the time with no time for myself. I shove 48 hours worth of activities into a 24 period and then hate myself when it doen't all get done. I strive for things in life that I will never have. I mention this because it brings me to my lack of sleep. I do not ever sleep and when I do it is for no more than 3-4 hours at the most at one time. I have what could easily be concidered chronic insomnia and this has gone on my entire life, it is not a new development. I have other health problems that I deal with on a constant and daily basis. I have what is called ITP and it is a blood disorder that does affect my life every day. I have undergone more treatments for the problem than I care to remember then finally had my spleen removed to try to correct the problem. I also now have a viral infection of the blood stream that I will have the rest of my life. On top of this there is the fact that I have bipolar disorder which causes me to swing from manic to depressed at the drop of a hat. I have learned to control the swings on most ocasions, but I am overwhelmed at times of course. When I am depressed I cry all of the time and yell and scream at people and make them hate me. When I am maic I clean all of the time amongst other things. I also think that I may have obsessive compulsive disorder due to some weird things that I do in life. Ok, I am not a whore or slut as many people think. I have had sex with people and I refuse to tell how many any longer because the only people who ask that are the smae people who judge you by that number. The fact of the matter is if there was/is someone that I want to have sex with I will do so. I do not believe that makes me a whore or a slut I believe that makes me aware of what I want and am not afraid to take action. I now tell people when they ask that I have slept with enough to know what I am doing but not enough to say that I am done. I have people judge me due to my flirty nature and the fact that I will walk out of a bar with men. Yep, that is true too, I will flirt all night long and when those lights come up I will walk out with whoever I want. It is the fault of the others if they assume that I am doing anything else - never bet on things that can not be proven. Ok, I am done trying to explain myself . . .

Oh I just need to vent really quickly so I can get back to cleaning my damn apartment, because that is so fun after all, lol. I’ve had a lot on my mind the past few days what with some people I have been talking to, some I haven’t been talking to, and of course the babies taking up a great deal of my time as well (just because they are so damn cute). I’m a confused mess and I freely admit that right now, but I am not unhappy about it, not sad, not upset, not searching for anything . . . I just am. Isn’t that all I should be anyway . . . Just Jessie nothing more?! Well, that is what I am right now. I have had a few people who dropped more or less out of my life at the same time a few weeks ago just pop back in at the same time in the past week. I have not been talking too much to the one person I really want and need to talk to and I can’t quite figure out what is going on with them. So, rather than let this all bother me and start to think endless thoughts of what may happen or what has happened I am just letting things be . . . Letting them go where they need with no pushing and what happens happens and I will just follow the lead. Let’s start at the people who have come back into my life the past few days shall we? Hell, I honestly can’t tell you why they disappeared when they did, I just know they did and that they each had their own reasons and that is enough for me. These people owe me nothing, no explanation of their actions, no asking for forgiveness, they owe me nothing. I’m glad to see each of them back of course despite the things that will remain in the past. I enjoy each of them for reasons that are very unique and as much as I hate to admit to this each of them holds a place in my heart that they carved there themselves . . . So they will always be a part of me now. Good friends are hard to find and when you get them, the first time or subsequent times in this case you should hold onto them . . . Which is what I am doing now. The one that I am not talking to I am so worried about that is eating away at me. This person is very important to me for some reason and I refuse to explore why. They are important and that is enough for me. I don’t want to question it, I just enjoy it for what it is . . . A pure connection with another human being. That is what I have strived for in my life, that type of connection, that love that you can’t explain and that has no rhyme or reason it just is. It’s not the love where you look at someone and think that you are madly in love with them - it’s the type of love where everything that happens to that person has some bearing on your being. When I do not hear from this person I worry, when I find out things are bad, I fret, when I hear that things are well then I rejoice . . . It’s a great feeling to care for someone such as this. Anyway, I am just happy to be at this point I guess. I am coming back to my old self again and I couldn’t be happier about it really. I was never really lost I guess just hiding from those that need not know who I am. I have decided to continue saying fuck you to those who judge me for what they believe me to be. I have decided to say fuck you to those that decide that I am not good enough for them to waste time on. I have decided to say fuck you to those that choose to walk out of my life. I have decided to say fuck you to those that are bothered by the things I say or do. I have decided to say fuck you to those that want me to change. I decided to say fuck you to those that expect anything less than or more than I am. After all, I am Jessie . . . Nothing more nothing less. Now, back to cleaning J

Who knew I'd still be in such a good mood days after my trip . . . maybe I should go to Cleveland more often damn!!!! Anyway, my plan of being happy is working out right now. I am still in a good mood despite the everyday bullshit I have encountered. I was painting my nails a few minutes ago (a nice pretty pink even) when I started laughing because yes I still want a man to paint my nails for me once . . . hehehe. I contemplated aloud to no one that I am never going to be that skinny little blonde girl that so many men fantasize about - but fuck that I don't want to be. I am not uncomfortable with who I am dammit if other people aren't then fuck them. I enjoy who I am, mind, body and spirit. Yep, my mood is still good and I am seriously considering weekly road trips to various places just so I can feel good. Hehehe! I know I said I was coming back to bitch, but painting my nails calmed my mind and I am not in the mood to bitch anymore - gonna go touch them up now - woohoo!!!!

I lost my beloved JoEllen off this site today, I was so sad to see her go, but I understand her reasoning completely. She is tired of the drama, jealousy, and perverts that stalk this site regularly. I know that all of you know exactly what I mean . . . you have all ran into these people as well, it’s not as if they try to hide. For the most part they don’t bother me, I just ignore them and move on about my way and be done with it, but at the same time I don’t have a bf or husband that I need to worry about getting angry either. Oh and there is the fact that the biggest perverts that come to my site are the ones that I already know . . . I’m looking at you Geoff!!!! It’s not as if she is gone from my life though, she is just across town, lol. I can still call her and go to her house and find her on myspace as well . . . I still have her to confide all of my secrets in. Despite the fact that she is no longer here she will forever remain my favorite red head with big tits (yeah I know she looks a lil more blonde right now but trust me it is red hair). I used her Saturday night to confess some things to that had been eating away at me for some time . . . So at least I will still have that J I’m not even sure what I am doing writing right now, I am not supposed to even be home, supposed to be visiting someone. But, alas those plans fell through on me . . . As was to be expected anyway though . . . I am used to that sort of thing after all. I’m not really all that bothered by it though. I made up my mind to be happy again and I am sticking to that as best I can right now. It’s going pretty well actually which surprises me. My drive the other night did me a world of good, no idea why I didn’t do it sooner. So the babies will be here this week. Miss Used is being induced on Wednesday so we will have some babies, woohoo!!! I’m telling you it’s about time too. This pregnancy has been hard on her, hard on me, and hard on our friendship. She completely lost her mind during this time and I had to back away from her and distance myself altogether more than once, but as with any good friendship it survived in the end. Doesn’t mean I have forgotten what has happened mind you, only means that I have chosen to keep a friend rather than hold a grudge. Now, when t comes to Bill though that is a whole other story . . . Which I am not going to even venture into. Anyway, I am excited to have the babies get here though, babies are great when they aren’t yours J I don’t think there is anything else new to catch anyone up on. I need to go write my blog for myspace because that has not been properly updated in a while and my pretties over there will start a mutiny soon. It’s true I have seen it done, lol. Then I need to catch up on my stories with Mark as well, he needs the cheering up lately. Got to keep your friends and loved ones happy after all . . . *cough cough* Oh I gotta run now, too many things to get done and just not enough time to do it in, you know how it is. Plus who wants to go outside with all that damn heat out there? Yeah I know!! So, I will be back later with another blog anyway because I have something to bitch about in depth which I know you just can’t wait for . . . . Hehehe.

Oh lord what a night I had last night for it being a slow and boring evening really. I guess the drive up to Cleveland and back really did me some good; it at least put me in a good mood I hear. Hell, when was the last time I was in a really good mood anyway? Yeah, I know hehehe. So anyway I already wrote about my trip to Cleveland which brought about my drastic moos change, but who knew its last all night long? I was on my way up to the bar when Stoner Chick called and wanted to hang out. I went on up to the bar and had a drink while I waited on her to get ready then I fought with Brian over my keys and ran out to get her. We went back up to Bills for the night where we talked and had some laughs. She called or texted or something Mr. Happy Go Lucky and he showed up which was my cue to leave the table at that time. So, I moved up to the bar with Dacoob and Matt. Oh my god I sat there fucking with Matt all night . . . He had me laughing so fucking hard I about fell off the damn bar stool. I was teasing him about not being able to pull my hair correctly since he does it every time he sees me I feel he should know how to do it right by now, lol. So, I passed the night talking not-so-innocently to him and Dacoob and Jay once in a while when he ventured around. Then last call came and Stoner and Happy had to walk out to say good night. I sat there still with Matt laughing at Jay by this time just because I could. Oh hell and Fred showed up again reminding me that I didn’t know who he was last weekend and that he was still offended . . . How many times can you say my name in one sentence anyway . . . He did it 9 times . . . Yes he said Jessie 9 times in one sentence just to make his damn point! Yeah yeah point taken he remembers me and I didn’t know who he was. Anyway, Stoner Chick came back in and met Matt (oh hell almost forgot we got to see his PA) and we were off so I could take her home. We get out to the damn Jeep and I go to take my phone out of my pocket only to discover it is not there. So, I go back into the bar and look for it. Yeah no one has seen it so I have Jay call it for me to see if it rings. Low and behold here comes Matt from the bathroom holding my phone in his hand. I asked him repeatedly where he found it and he said it was in his pocket . . . So then I bitch at him while thanking him, tell him I owe him and go to grab my phone when Jay takes it and starts searching the pictures on it. Oh good lord those two are something I swear. It took me a good 5 minutes to get my phone from them and making asinine promises in order to do so. Anyway so I got my phone, and went back out to take Stoner Chick home. I dropped her off and headed home yet again to an empty house with nothing to do once I got here. So I tried to sleep, it didn’t work, I tried to watch a movie and that didn’t work, so I um played around for a bit until I was even more “relaxed” and then drifted in and out of sleep. God I need to find a new hobby huh? So what did we learn from my night? That I like being happy again, Dacoob learned to carry a camera with him and to ask stupid question when I am in a good mood, and Matt learned way too much about me. Oh and Stoner and Happy didn’t learn anything but at least got some time together . . . And not even a thank you from him . . . He’ll pay for that!!! Muahahahahahahahaha