Wicked Lil Girl's blog: "All About Wicked Lil Girl"

Where do I start? When does the truth become a bad idea? How do you decide that the truth is too painful for someone to hear and to keep it locked inside of you? What do you do when you can’t do that anymore? How do you let someone in without compromising their well being in the process when the truth is too painful to be heard? Is it even possible? Do you think that self torture is the answer? Is the solution to the agony more suffering? Does there come a point where the suffering becomes a catharsis? Does there come a point where the pain begins to heal? Do the wounds ever scar over leaving the memories of the pain but not the actual pain? My suffering is all mine, I ask no one else to take blame. I ruined my life by myself; yes it was alone only me. I didn’t need a helping hand. I didn’t need a push over the edge. I made my choices and must live with the consequences. I made my bed and now must lie in it. I’m cold . . . I’m heartless . . . I am worthless and I will never be anything but. Do I honestly believe that? I may in some ways . . . I can’t help it. I’ve hurt people that I wanted to shelter; I’ve damaged souls that I tried to save. I spent my time building something up only to tear it down. I let fear ruin something in my life that I desperately needed. Now I must search and pray and hope to once again find that place that I never even knew was there. Yeah, that is it; I am all of those things. However, I am also so much more. I am stronger than I once thought while at the same time weaker than I ever imagined. I did what I needed to do which took more strength than I knew I had . . . I sheltered myself away due to fear and that made me weaker than I ever dreamed I was. How can I be such a contradiction? I guess it is part of being me . . . The thoughts, the actions, the feelings, the tears, the sighs, the laughter, and the disappointment they are all a part of being me. I’m sorry that I am not what you wanted me to be . . . But I am who I am and I will never be anything but . . .

Listen to What I Have To Say, I lay awake at night crying without the tears. The tears can no longer fall. I silently weep for all that I have done. I can’t change any of it, it’s all in the past, and I can only mourn it all now. I’ve done things I never thought I would do, and I done them to you. I expect no forgiveness. I deserve no forgiveness. I ask you for nothing but to listen to what I have to say now. I couldn’t say it then. I made a mistake and for that I will forever pay. It was never meant to hurt you, it was never meant to make you feel bad, it was meant to protect what we had. It makes no sense to you and it never will. You can never understand my mind . . . I did what was right in my mind. I did what I felt needed to be done and it turned out that I was wrong. I will pay the rest of my life for what I done, isn’t that enough? Will my ever lasting suffering be enough to ease your mind in time? Will it help you to know that I will never forgive myself? Will you feel better if you know my misery is real? Will the thoughts of my sleepless nights and agonizing days help you heal? Is my self torture enough or do you need more? Do you need more? Do you need me to fall before you? Is watching me be destroyed enough? I can’t stand that I hurt you. I hate that the pain lingered. I can’t change any of that. I can tell you I am sorry over and over but the fact is you will never believe me. You think I did it all on purpose. You think I set out to hurt you, when all I really did was hurt myself even more. You will move on and forget while I will live with it the rest of my life. I will think of it constantly . . . It will never go away. All I can do it say it one more time, I am sorry and I hope one day the hatred leaves your heart. I loved you for who you were and know that others will as well.

Well I did so much soul searching this weekend that I’m not sure how I can think straight now, lol. I looked at every single possible aspect of my life, the people in it, the people who aren’t in it and the people I want to be in it . . . Do you want to know what I figured out? That I am miserable, alone, and scared to death of remaining that way. I spent so much time crying over things, laughing over things, thinking of all the people I have met and why I want to know these people. My god I dissected every aspect of my life that I possibly could without breaking down completely. I reached so deep inside myself to find the emotions that I had that I am was sure I had torn all emotion out of me in general. But here I am at 6 am on a Monday morning writing this damn blog so I can finally move on and get to what I am looking for. I sat in a car yesterday for a long time with the girlfriend and we talked about so much stuff that we both are kind of dealing with. We are both dealing with being in situations in life that neither of us knows how to deal with. We are both dealing with grasping onto an idea that we are not sure how to tackle in the long run. Finally, we are both just sad and lonely and tired of being that way. The both of us got a lot off our chests yesterday . . . Long car rides will do that for you I guess. I opened up to her and told her that I am not liking this being alone all the time any more as much as I used to. I find myself more and more each day wanting to have someone in my life. I find myself longing to have someone to come home to after I have had a bad day or whatever the case may be. I find myself wanting to find someone who honestly wants to be with me. I want to find myself in some sort of stable working no threatening relationship and I realized as I told her this that I will never have that. No matter how much I long to have some stability and happiness I can never have that . . . It’s just not in my cards I guess. I find it so depressing to think that I will spend my life alone for the most part. I find it sad that I have made it this way for myself. I find it sad that no one else will ever know what or who I really am. For the life of me I can’t figure out why I sabotage myself so often, why I can’t allow happiness into my life. I want it I truly do . . . But can’t seem to allow myself to have it. I hate that others get dragged down with me when I go on these downward spirals. I hate that I hurt those that I never wanted to hurt when I am in these moods. I hate that I have these moods period. But, it all comes wrapped neatly in a package along with the bi-polar. So, I have hurt so people lately that I never intended to hurt and there really are not words to describe how I feel for doing so. That person will never believe me when I say that I never wanted to cause them pain. I never dreamed that I would. That person should be happy though that karma is quick acting at times and that I am paying for what I done now with the misery I feel. I don’t know how to describe what has caused this misery . . . I feel as though I lost something very important to me, but in reality I never had anything to lose in the first place. I feel like some has grabbed a hold of something that I never wanted to lose and pulled just out of my reach and is taunting me with it. I feel as though I have been robbed of my comfort. Now, none of these things are actually true . . . I never had anything to lose, I never had anything with which to taunt me, and didn’t realize I had the comfort until it was already gone. All I have now is pain and emptiness which I know will pass eventually . . . But I don’t like it now. I enjoy my sorrow only so much then the pain starts and I hate to feel such agony. I’ve done this all to myself. I can not lay the blame upon anyone other than myself. I don’t care to do so for that matter . . . I will walk with this agony for as long as I must in order to learn from what I have done. Some things in life can only be learned through such misery after all . . . What type of life lesson would it be otherwise?

Have you ever been so sad that it feels as though your soul is aching? That deep sadness that has no beginning and no end. You can’t figure out where the tears came from or when they are going to end. The sadness grips you and forces you to face a reality in yourself that you want to hide. You know once you see what is there that you can’t go back. You flee from yourself only to find a mirror at the end of your run. There is no escape from yourself, all you can do it look and cry again. The tears just flow and then they trickle, they never really stop. They can be masked by a smile at times but they are never gone. The pain can’t be hidden, can’t be halted, and can only be embraced. Yet, when you embrace it you are forced to accept things as they are and not how you want them to be. The life you live is not that which you chose for yourself and you can’t face what you have become. How do you change what you don’t want to accept? Is there some magical potion to be found that allows people the opportunity to be what they choose? Something that affords the chance to excel in life. The sadness keeps us from achieving any goal we may have set forth for ourselves. It forces us to bow down to acceptance for less than what we deserve. The tears are there to remind us that we are human and must follow the rules. What are the rules though? What makes the rules for us? Why must we follow them? Can we not break from them and journey out on our own? Must we stay captive in a prison of our own making? If we made the prison can we not release ourselves from it? If we can escape the sadness and pain that paralyze us can we not move forward and set our own new rules? Why must the rules stay the same throughout life? Our lives change as we age and the rules should as well. We must find some way to break the barrier to the existence that we long to have. We must learn to stop the tears that prohibit our growth. The sadness must end in order for us to begin. The beginning is such a beautiful thought isn’t it? Moving forward with a plan and goals seems like such an obstacle, but why need it be? Exactly, it shouldn’t. I have cried long enough and suffered even longer. It is now time to embrace the sadness, face the mirror, shatter the glass and walk through the shards to become who I choose to be . . . Hopefully others will join me as well.

People are always asking what is going on in my mind, what I am thinking, why I think as I do . . . I never have an answer except that it is just who I am. I think and think and think but hardly ever figure anything out. I remember something and then something else follows and leads me in a different direction. I spin out of control into a world of lost thoughts, emotions, and fears. I find myself wading through a swamp of hidden feelings, trying to swing on trees of broken hopes and fall helplessly into a pit of shattered dreams. I am no different than you, only in the fact that I am not you. You have the same thoughts as I the difference being that you pay no attention to yours. I want to know my life, I want to know my mind, and I want to know me. I am not afraid of what I will find, who I will find, or what I may encounter along the way. I am ready to be what I was meant to be, good or bad. So, unlike you when my mind races I do not run away from it, I chase it until I catch it and can see why it is racing away. I overanalyze life, I turn my back on that which I do not like, and I peek through fingers at things that I don’t want to see. I know that life is not meant to have a destination and that people search their entire lives trying to find where they are meant to be . . . While I on the other hand spend my life trying to figure out why I have been where I have been and what that has made me. If you have ever spoken with me or read anything that I have written then you have undoubtedly heard my theory about admitting my past, living my present, and looking forward to the future . . . It is what keeps me going . . . The thoughts. I think about where I have been and what I learned from it, where I am and what I am learning, and where I will be and how what I know will help me along the way. These are my thoughts . . . The fears never stop. I hide just like everyone else. I run when I get scared. My thoughts create more fears than they relieve in the long run but I learn to fear less somehow when all is said and done. I contemplate things until I get an answer in my mind. The actual question hardly ever sticks . . . But the answers I always remember. Why? Because that is how life is lived to it’s fullest. The questions do not matter it’s what you learn and do with the knowledge that matter in the end. I have no reasoning as to why I think the way I do, the attitude I have, or the life I lead . . . It is just me. I put on no false pretenses in order to impress anyone. I am me, the real me, the same me as I always am, I never change. I made add to or delete things that change my attitude and personality along the way, but I am still the same person. I have more to me than what people see or can even imagine there is so there is no one who knows all of me. There are many people who know many parts of me, many who see parts of me that no one else ever sees parts of me that are reserved and hidden from public view. I am real; I am me, and its jus the better you get to know me the more of me there is to learn about. The way my mind works is only a fraction of what I am and what I do. I lead a life that I enjoy for the most part. I live a life that I am proud of for the most part. I live a life that I am not ashamed of. I am not ashamed of nor do I hide any part of my past from people. I have done what I have done good and bad and learned from every single action and thought that I had. It’s my present that I hide from people. I hide a big piece of who I am from people now because I think that if I can not figure me out then it is hardly fair to drag someone else into the pit with me. I do still have hopes of some sort I am sure, I just do not know what they are anymore. I will find them one day, maybe I just need someone to guide me along the path. Perhaps I need someone to steer me clear and keep me out of the trees so that I do not fall into the pit again. Then again, isn’t that what everyone needs? A hand to hold along the way so neither of you gets lost . . . Someone that you need not feel insecure around, someone where you can say what you want without being guarded. Wouldn’t that be something special to find; someone to sit and listen while you pour out your thoughts so that you can try to figure out why you think the way you do. Yeah I think so too!

Don’t you hate when you are faced with something that you don’t want to know, don’t want to think about, don’t want to dwell upon yet you have to? Those things in life that you are told in order to make things better in the long run but seem to inhibit them more in the here and now?! There are certain things that you just don’t want to know in life, that you don’t want to face, and that you would rather take a bullet than think about . . . And somehow these are the things that you find yourself faced with most often. I was faced with something today that lord knows I did not want to hear, yes I needed to and I realize that but I would have rather heard so many other things. I had someone that I have grown very fond of tell me something that could have changed the entire view I have of this person, the total way I think of them, whether or not I wanted to even deal with them anymore. I didn’t want to be faced with this, not today, not tomorrow, not ever . . . But I respect this person for telling me. It is something that I need to know, just not what I want to know. This person called me and told me something that they never had to tell me, something they could have kept hidden from me, but chose not to. I have nothing but respect for someone who will admit that they have done (or not done) something so major that it affects their entire life to someone that doesn’t need to know about it. This person confessed something to me that should have changed everything that I think of them, but they still told me. So, I took an entire day to think about whether or not I want things to proceed the way they are proceeding . . . I had a great deal to think about, and I finally made up my mind. I believe this person; I am choosing to believe what they tell me. I am choosing to go forward with the plans we have made. I have chosen to give this person the benefit of the doubt and not see them any differently than I ever had. I see something in this person that compels me to get to know them more, to spend more time with them. There is something there that I want to know, want to trust, want to believe . . . And it will never happen if I don’t open myself up . . . So may as well do it now, right. Yes, I am right and no one tell me differently please, if I get hurt I get hurt and I will heal . . .

Has anyone else noticed that people seem to creep into your life without any expectation and then become the focus of so many things that you do before you ever realize that they have done so? Yes, I know it sounds confusing but really it isn’t. I am talking about the people that you meet that you never think are going to make a difference but then somehow they do. Yeah we have all met these people, but ever wondered how they find you, or better yet why they find you? Here is what I think: The people that are like this in your life have found you for a reason; they need you in their life as much as you need them in yours. Yes, I do think that people find one another out of need. It may not even be a need that you are aware that you have, but it is there and these people find you in order to help you address that need. I have done this myself . . . I am drawn to people who are troubled and distant, who need a guiding force and a strong arm to lean upon with a stronger ear attached to listen. These people need me to be there for them, to help them, to carry them along their path while I need them to need me . . . I need to have a purpose and these people are just that. They need me and I need them. I am missing an awful lot in my life and can’t even begin to imagine what I am missing that I am not realizing. I always thought that one day I would meet someone who would help me realize those things, help me along my way. Someone who would move the trees out of the way so that I can see the forest. Someone to help me see the larger picture that I need to be a part of and not just my small piece of what it is. So, have I found this person? I guess anything is possible. I have not met them as of yet that I am aware of; however, I meet new people everyday and the relationships that I have with others grows every day. It is possible that someone I met here recently has the potential to be this person . . . But only time will tell that. So, I am waiting and waiting to see if the person I need in my life has finally found me or if the person that really needs me in their life I have finally found. No matter what the outcome of the new friendship that I have developed in the past few weeks it is safe to say that I have one again found a one of a kind person who has touched me in a way that no one else has been able to. After all, how many of us take the time to stop and realize when these people enter out lives? Yes, I agree, not often enough.

There is so much on my mind right now that I can’t sleep even after more than enough sleeping pills to do the trick. It’s amazing isn’t it how when there is something on your mind that needs to be dealt with that your body will react however it wants despite all logic and reasoning. I’ve been taking stock of my life the past few days, evaluating what I think of myself and others, figuring out what exactly I want and how exactly I am going to get it. It all started with a look at my life . . . So, I am 30 years old. I am single. I have a son who is almost 13 that I have always raised on my own. I have an attitude that bothers most people. I have a wall set up around me and my life that takes a very special person to break through. I am a bigger sized girl and damn comfortable in my own skin at this or any other size. I have a past that I am not 100 % comfortable with reliving just yet; though working my way to it. I am not ashamed of nor do I regret anything in my life that I have ever done. I am a hell of a lot stronger than most people I know; I have never encountered anything in life that I could not handle. I go to work everyday and am thankful if I get to go home that night. I work at a job that shows me the very worst and the very best of people at the same time. I work at a job that is much more dangerous than most would ever think it could be. I work at a job that drains me physically and some days emotionally. I love my friends more than I love myself. I am more loyal than most would think I could ever be. I have lived a life that many would never be able to survive. I will not complain about my life because I know there are others with lives worse than mine. I have learned as I have grown what I want from someone and now I refuse to settle for less than that. Now having said all of that let me tell you what I have figured out. I am single because I choose to be. I am the one who will not let people into my life. I am the one who will not let my wall down to allow people access to me. I am the one who tells the stupid people who always ask “why are you single” that I don’t know even though now I do. As I said I am singe because I do not want less than what I feel I deserve in life. I explained this in a previous blog that I want everything. I want a man who can be happy with me for who I am. A man who can be happy with me and not because of me. A man who will stand up to me when I need to be stood up to and will let me scream at him when I need to scream. A man who will laugh with me when I am laughing but will hold my head and wipe my tears when I am crying. A man who is strong enough to accept that my life is mine and the mistakes I made I learned from and that it is in the past and I left it there for a reason. A man who will not question my motives for having my friends. A man who will not be offended at the open, frank, and flirtatious relationship I have with my friends. A man who knows what he wants and will not settle for less either. There are plenty of men I could settle for. There are plenty of men that I could try to make things work with. But do you know what I think about that? I think if it is the man I am meant to be with there will be no reason to make things work they just will. That man will find a way to be with me, I will find a way to be with him. It’s just the way I see things . . . Not as a miracle or anything, just I feel that when a man wants to be with me I will know and it will find a way to work. I’ve not given up hope and in all honesty I have let more of my guard down in the past year or so than I ever thought I would. I owe thanks for that to many of the men I have met online. They have showed me the good, the bad and the ugly of humanity. They have given me reason to open myself up as well as to close myself in. I have met men who were just complete assholes and then I have met men who were genuine. I owe something to each one of them because they all taught me something one way or another. But I owe the most to the ones who made me feel comfortable with myself and never made me like I needed to be a size 2 model in order to talk to them. But to the ones that wouldn’t talk to me because my hips were too big . . . Thank you as well because you forced me to accept me for me and I learned to love my hips. So, yeah I am now ready to find someone to spend my time with. I am not expecting to find someone any time soon, but at the same time I hope that I do. After all doesn’t everyone just want to be happy in the end? Of course!!

**I wrote this to put on myspace blog to update everyone on there about what is going on with me lately . . . but I have had quite a few people on here asking so here I will place it on here too, that way everyone knows . . . ** I have learned some things in life that I never thought I would have to learn, or at least not learn when I did. Yesterday, I may have been thrown another one of those things that I am not ready to catch and run with. Let me break it all down here real quick for those of you who care to know, ad those that don’t well just quit reading now . . . . There will be no wit or humor through this blog, just the truth of what is going on in my life as of now. I was at work yesterday and it was somewhere around 7:30 am when my phone rang. I looked at the screen and it said Dr Idrees, now knowing the office doesn’t open until 8:30 I was reluctant to answer, but I did. I said hello, and was told that some of the tests I had run a week or so ago had come back abnormal and I needed to come in to the office to talk with someone about them. So, heart heavy and kind of scared I said ok I would come in as soon as I could. I went downstairs and started brainstorming on who could come in and cover my shift for me so I could go get whatever news was waiting for me. After 2 hours of trying I finally had someone who came in to work for me and I owe her a great deal of thanks. Anyway, I took off and headed home. I stopped ay the house to change my clothes and all that before I went to the office. No need to go in my work uniform if I don’t have to after all. I got there and they stuck back in that little room all alone and just waiting for someone to come in. I could hear the doctor knocking on other doors and walking in, thinking each time will it be my door next. Then, after what seemed like forever he made it to my room and knocked on my door. He came in and ‘Jessica, how are you doing today? “ “I told him I was a little worried about why I was there” He told me that he was going to let his assistant work with me if I was ok with that. I told him sure I didn’t care and then she came in. She sat down and looked through some papers and then up at me. She opened her mouth and then closed it again without saying a word. She took a deep breath and began “As you know we did some blood work when you were in the ER a few weeks ago and tested for various causes of the bleeding in your stomach. It seems that one of the tests we ran has come back troublesome. We ran a test on your whit blood cells and the numbers came back abnormally high.” This is when I said “so I have an infection, or could it be from the infection I already have?” To which she replied “no, I am afraid this is a little more serious than that. I have not seen cell counts this high with a simple infection, even with a pre-existing infection. I am afraid that it is something much more serious.” I was speechless, again. God knows I am used to getting bad health news but I couldn’t think of what she meant by much more serious. Then, she comes over and feels my throat where it is swollen. She explains that she thinks the problem is in my lymph nodes and that is why the swelling in my throat is not going away and actually seems to be getting worse. I asked her if the swelling wasn’t just from my allergies and she told me that no, had the swelling just accompanied allergies then I would have pain and since I have no pain with the increased swelling that the lymph nodes are the logical cause at this time. She explained that in two weeks I would have to go to have some tests done that I have had done before to test for new cancers in my body. They are concerned with lymphomas at this time. So, there ya have it folks . . . More happy news from my world. I never get to be happy; never get to be healthy . . . But never going to give up either. I feel horrible I will not lie about that, but I am still going, not going to stop. I’ll just deal with whatever is thrown at me and my friends will be right there with me . . .

So are all relationships bullshit or just the ones that I find myself in? Yeah probably just me huh!? That’s ok . . . I am ok with that . . . I can deal with any fucking stupidity that is thrown at me. I have learned a great deal here lately about relationships and what I am hoping to gain from one. Now, I couldn’t have done that without the help of these lying and cheating assholes that I keep running across. I hold no ill will toward them, hell I thank them for helping me find my way. These are the men who have shown me he light so to speak . . . They have brought my revelation about . . . They have opened my eyes. I know better now what I want than I have in a long time, and I am not afraid to go after it when I find it. I want everything . . . LOL. I want a man who is content with his life no matter what he is doing with it. I want a man who is not searching for someone to complete him but for someone to compliment him. I want a man who is secure enough in himself to show emotion but stable enough to know when to hold back. I want a man who likes to go out and have a good time but is just as happy sitting at home on the couch with a movie. I want a man who can make me laugh. I want a man who can make me smile even through my tears. I want a man who is strong enough to stand up to me but smart enough to know when to back down. I want a man who won’t walk away just because I am having a bad day. Yep, I want everything. So, do I know this man? I don’t think I do. I may and not be aware of the fact that it is him though. I know many men . . . Could be one of them I guess. I have thought about some of them of course and whether or not they fit into that category and trust me not many do. A few show possibility of course, but these are the ones who know too much about me, the close friends, the ones that I opened up to one too many times. I could not see myself with someone who knows my darkest fears and desires . . . I can’t open up like that to people. Yeah yeah yeah I know in order to get to that relationship I need to open up to people - I’m just not sure I can. No, wait, yes I can . . . I am a new me, after I hit 30 I decided to become a new person. I almost forgot. I’m not going to be the girl who stays away from someone because they may learn about her anymore. I am going to chase after and get what I want. I decided that I desire someone that I want and dammit no one is going to find them for me. So, hmmm . . . Now I’m going to be like some fucking hunter out looking for prey, lol. Ok ok I need to push the keyboard away and remember that drugged up typing is never a good idea . . . Lol. Please remember that this was typed under the influence of Tylenol 3 and Vicodin . . . Not an excuse just the truth . . . Hehehe *MWUAH*