It’s a Guy Thing
(Or is it the Perils of Having a Penis?)
I am in one of my “Andy Rooney” type of moods here and I thought I would share
with you some of my thoughts and perhaps maybe even give you a good chuckle at
the same time even if it may be at my expense, I have no problem with that,
through the years not only do I poke fun at other people and things, I have also
learned to be able to poke fun at myself as well.
A word of caution is in order here; some of what you are about to read may be
a little graphic and could be termed "chauvinistic" as well. Please do NOT take
offense at what you may read, it is not intended as an insult. These are mostly
just observations that I have made. And to those women out there who have
survived abusive relationships or have been sexually abused, rest assured that
my heart truly goes out to you for having to survive those ordeals.
Anyhow, as you all know, we have "The Vagina Monologues" but what about "The
Dick Dialogues"? Well I think this is where I come in and maybe shed some light
on some stuff. I had originally posted this last year and gotten quite a few
comments about it. I have decided to revise it a little bit and instead of
breaking it up into installments, I have combined the whole thing this time
around so you might as well grab a cup of coffee and sit down and do some
reading.
One of my readers had posed a question one time asking "Why are men so damn
confusing?" to which I replied; "Because we are born with a penis and
testicles." Her response was truly priceless; "Neal you are truly an honest
character, you speak your mind and don't look to blow smoke." Anyhow this is the
way I operate, I do my best to cut through the BS and call it like I see it, I
am not one to blow smoke up peoples asses or up women's skirts (I would rather
be looking up them instead LOL). So what you get with me is the old saying "What
You See Is What You Get" nothing more and nothing less. All genuine ramblings
from this crazy bastard who looks at the world with a slightly warped lens.
I had been sitting here thinking about what to put up for my next blog and I
got to thinking about a phone conversation that I had with a lady friend of mine
in another part of the country some time ago along with some other conversations
that I have had with a few other women as well about a host of different issues.
We got to talking about different things and in my humorous way I had given each
of these dear ladies a man’s point of view (namely mine because the last time
that I checked all the male equipment was still there so I would hazard a guess
and say that I am still a man) about a few things and at the same time
validating some of their thoughts, feelings and concerns as well such as;
- “I am sure that there are times when women (generally the heterosexual
ones) think where men are concerned that if it was not for the fact we have
something between our legs and that we can open jars and move furniture
there would be a bounty on our asses”
- “I am also sure that there are many women out there who think that us
men are only interested in one thing and that is getting into their pants…”
- “While that is a normal desire on the part of most men, speaking for
myself I desire more than just giving ‘Mr. Happy’ a workout”
Well anyhow as a man I must state unequivocally that in many ways we are also
at a very distinct disadvantage and totally defenseless in some areas;
- Women can generally seduce us men a hell of a lot easier than us men can
seduce women, which is just the way it is and needless to stay we are stuck
with it.
- Think about this: The little boy who says to the little girl as he
is pointing to his privates and says “I have one of these, what have you
got?” to which the little girl replies as she points to her privates
“With one of these I can get as many of those as I want” Talk about a
comeback to something that can stop us cold.
- If we try to seduce a woman and if she is not interested, we may very
well get our faces slapped or worse.
- If a woman tries to seduce us we generally have one of two options;
- If we are interested, we tend to let “the little head” do our
thinking for us, to coin a phrase “A stiff prick has no conscience”
- If we are not interested, not only is giving the woman a slap
(something that I do not approve of anyhow) out of the question, it is
unacceptable, it also against the law and will more than likely land you
in jail. Secondly if we refuse a woman’s advances, we may possibly get
ridiculed about our masculinity.
- Women can fire off some very good comebacks, this is my favorite;
- Man: “If I ever saw you naked I would die a happy man”
- Woman “If I ever saw you naked I would die laughing”
- Women if need be can turn on “the waterworks” to get us to do their
bidding. If we do it we are being wimps or manipulative.
On the bedroom front;
- We cannot fake physical arousal, it is either erect or it is not. There
is no grey area on this matter. There are times when we may only get
semi-rigid and this is just as frustrating for us as it is for the woman,
especially when it is a kind of woman that “we are just dying to throw her
our best hump”
It is also kind of hard to hide arousal as well when we have that moment
when we are so damn hard we could crack walnuts with the damn thing.
- We cannot fake an orgasm; “the proof is in the pudding” so to speak. Not
only that when we are in the midst of getting a nut we turn in to Goofy as
our bodies are telling our minds “Who cares if I look stupid?”
- When we have an orgasm, we can only have them one at a time, we are NOT
multi-orgasmic. We need to recover for a while if we want to go at it again
Outside of the bedroom;
- We have all had those moments when the damn thing takes on a life all
its own and it comes alive at the worst possible moment, I know those are
the times when I wish I could just take it off and put it away until I need
to use it. Or you feel the urge for no obvious reason and it is just driving
you nuts
- Let’s face it, we are easily victims of our own masculinity, the good
old testosterone kicks in and takes over and our dicks start doing our
thinking for us and we get led around by our dicks and the women know this
and use it to their advantage (they are no fools). Hell they might even grab
hold of it and then they definitely have our attention and they have us
under their control whether we are aware of it or not, whether we are
willing to admit it or not.
- You wake up in the morning and you find that your little buddy has been
awake for five minutes before you and the woman that you share your bed with
looks at it and asks “What are you thinking of honey?”, Hell we don’t have a
damn clue, we just woke up, luckily a quick piss usually takes care of that
and things are back to normal. Too bad that is the only time some of us can
experience a “blue steel” hard on.
Age plays a role in our overall physical functions and “Mr. Happy” is not
exempt from the conditions of age.
- Coming out of puberty and into young adult hood we hit our sexual peak
in our late teens to early twenties, a stiff breeze and our dicks are hard,
it doesn’t take much at this age. Even when our asses are dragging we can
get it up in a heartbeat and many times we can do it frequently too. The
downside is that we usually get off a whole lot quicker, at this age we
usually are lacking in “dick control”, we are generally so damn excited that
many times we can’t actually believe that we just scored ourselves such a
fine piece of ass. At this age there are many of us who are humbled to learn
that we are nothing more than “One Pump Chumps” no sooner do get it in and
then it’s all over.
- Mid twenties to mid forties, we have matured, while we are past our
initial peak, much of our libido is still intact and with experience we
generally tend to have more control and staying power and can last longer.
Sometimes it takes a little more stimulation to get us ready but we
generally don’t mind that if the foreplay is awesome.
- Mid forties on up, our libido starts decreasing more and more as the
years pass us by and it takes more work to get us ready to perform though
there have been some exceptions. Normally at this juncture in life while we
still enjoy getting our “dicks wet”, it is not an obsession with us like
when we were younger.
- Let us not also forget the various dysfunctions that we all may have
suffered at one time;
- E.D. which is short for Erectile Dysfunction, a politically correct
description for impotence or as it is also commonly referred to as
“can’t get it up” Sometimes it is just temporary and in some cases it is
a long term or permanent condition. There are many causes for this,
stress, health, age, medication etc… Luckily nowadays there are various
medications on the market that can address this issue in some cases.
This is probably the biggest fear of most men as we feel as if our very
identity as a man is at risk.
- Premature Ejaculation also known as being a “One Pump Chump”
- Ejaculatory Inhibition or the inability to “get off” these are all
frightening things for a man and it strikes at the very core of our
manhood
Now on the subject of “Girl Watching”
Let’s face it. Any human being that has been born with a penis and testicles
and has functioning eyesight is going to look at any human that was born with a
vagina and breasts. It is all part of our natural human instinct. It really
comes into play if the female in question has some source of attraction that
catches the attention of the male species.
Let me share a personal example:
Christmas 2004, while I was living in North Carolina, I was at a lady
friend’s home for Christmas dinner, and mind you that her and I share a
strictly platonic relationship even though we kid each other quite a
bit, anyhow she was crouching down to get something out of one the
cabinets under the sink and I just happen to catch a glance of her thong
panties that she was wearing that day. As much as I was trying to be a
gentleman and NOT look, she no sooner busted me when she says “Now Neal
don’t be looking at my thong” needless to say I glanced again and I am
sure I was turning beet red as well given that I was busted. But let’s
face it, telling me not to look is like telling me not to breath or to
stop my heart from beating, even worse, imagine this, set a plate of
very fresh chocolate chip cookies if front of a small child and then
tell that child not to eat any of them and then you walk away. Ask
yourself this, what is that child going to do? Anyhow, if we are looking
it is because what we see is a pleasant sight to see, we are admiring
beauty for what it is, so ladies next time, do not take offense we are
just admiring what you have been blessed with. Also ladies, I know that
you are also guilty of looking too so what makes you any better than us?
Double Standards:
Next, there are the double standards that come into play which can shed both
of the sexes in an unfair light in some cases;
In my opinion I really don’t think that judge anyone on this, as we are all
human and have all been born with the key flaw that makes us human beings, and
that is SIN!!
- On looking at the opposite sex in a certain manner;
- If we men are spotted looking just a little too long at a woman,
especially at her “special charms” (ie: breasts or buttocks), we may be
called pigs, perverts, lecherous SOB’s, horndogs, or at times even worse
than that as well but I will not repeat those. Let’s face it, we have
eyes and we are going to look, it is only natural, telling us not to
look it like telling us not to breath or to stop our heart from beating.
It is a huge challenge.
- On the other hand, if a woman is spotted looking at a man in such a
way it is considered humorous. I remember a lady friend of mine
whistling at a bunch of sailors and it was quite acceptable and funny.
- Reputations:
- Men:
- Now if a man has a “reputation” with the ladies, this may be
considered a “good thing” in many circles. He is often referred to
as a “ladies man”, a “stud”, a “manly man”, a “lady killer” One of
the negative aspects of this however is that he may also be
considered “a whoremonger” or “a horndog” among many other terms.
- Conversely, if the man for whatever reason is not “that good”
with the ladies, he may often become the subject of ridicule. His
masculinity may be questioned, his sexuality may come into question
or perhaps his past experiences may be the talk of the town and
becomes fodder for much gossip. Many a time though, this type of man
has high moral standards and he won’t budge from them, or it could
be that he is shy for whatever reason, perhaps he had a very bad
experience with a woman that he was in a relationship with and now
has the attitude that “all women are evil” (I had this attitude for
quite a while). Doesn’t anyone ever think that the man in this
scenario is really trying to be a decent man?
- Women:
- If a woman has a “reputation”, she may the object of ridicule
and scorn, called all sorts of names like: “slut”, “whore” and other
names may come to mind. She may also be the subject of much unwanted
attention from some less than savory men. Many times in reality this
woman is just someone who just has a healthy appetite for sex and
her sexuality and in reality is someone who despite the fact that
she has had many relationships and for whatever reason they were
unsuccessful. Yet we are often judgmental of this woman for all the
wrong reasons. Or we men may assume that she is an “easy piece of
ass”. Oftentimes the reason behind her behavior is that she was the
victim of sexual abuse in her formative years and needless to say
she became sexualized at an early age and subsequently does not know
any better.
- Conversely, if the woman who does not have a “reputation”, she
is often highly admired and respected. She is considered to be pure
and to be in possession of high moral values. Or she may have been
victimized at one time in her life and now struggles with intimacy
and the related issues that come with it. In other circles, she may
also become the subject of ridicule, for example; “she’s a lesbian”,
“she’s frigid”, “she can’t keep a man” and the list goes on ad
nauseam.
- Roles within the relationship;
- For the man;
- He is expected to be a good provider and protector and this
is a valid expectation.
- In many cultures and societies he is the head of the house.
- The upside to the above two statements is that the family as
a general rule benefits greatly from his role as long as he does
not abuse his role, sadly there are those who do and it sheds
all men in a very poor light.
- Conversely there is also the situation where the man has for
many years done a superb job in providing for his family and in
treating his family members with much kindness and sadly the
other family members look upon this man as being both a “sugar
daddy” and they also mistake his kindness for weakness and they
begin to take him for granted and give him nowhere near the
amount of respect that he is entitled to be given based upon his
role within the family unit and the responsibilities that he
feels he must bear. Subsequently when the stress of this
situation gets to be too much to bear for the man he may react
in many ways;
- He may suddenly just get up and leave, perhaps never to
return. (I left on a few occasions because I became so angry
that I was afraid of what I might do or say, yet I would
return time after time until finally I was pushed out for
good)
- He may snap, perhaps even to the point of violent
behavior even where there has never been a history of
violent behavior in the past. (I too have been guilty of
this, though to my credit I never beat my ex-wife or the
kids, I just got nasty verbally and I broke a few material
objects; dishes and the like, this is something that I am
not too proud of)
- He may withdraw emotionally and financially when he
believes that the only reason and purpose that he is
accepted there is to be the jackass to pay the bills and
when he finally puts his foot down is often perceived as
that he has gone from being all that is good and right in
this world to being the most evil and abusive thing that has
ever been unleashed upon the face of humanity. (I got to
this point out of sheer frustration because I felt that I
was being used and many friends who had observed the
situation firsthand reassured me that I was in fact being
used)
- In this situation all that he wants to do is to regain
his sense of self-respect and dignity. He greatly wants to
see his manhood restored. He wants to restore order to his
home but yet he is perceived as being a power mad ogre.
(Here too I was trying to work things through and yet I was
made out to be a monster and it was done so well that even I
believed that I was a monster and I hated myself for the
longest time. Luckily a couple of very dear friends of mine
of the female persuasion helped me to realize that I was in
fact not such a monster after all and for that I am so
eternally grateful to those ladies)
- There are also those occasions that for whatever reason the
man remains in the home as a “stay at home father” and takes on
the role of “Mr. Mom” I have got to give those guys credit, my
domestic skills only go so far as there are some things that I
am just plain lousy and lazy (yes I said lazy) at doing.
- Sometimes this is done not so much out of choice as it
is out of necessity due to health issues or a disability,
differences in education levels, the availability of
suitable employment for the man with the skill sets that he
has.
- In some cases the man may be better suited for the
domestic stuff than the woman is. That is just the way it
happens sometimes.
- Yet these are the guys who are sometimes the object of
ridicule and gossip.
- For the woman:
- She too bears many burdens and responsibilities;
- She is the one who bears the children if she so desires
to have children.
- Let’s face it, childbirth is probably the most joyous
and painful event that a woman will experience at the same
time. Think about it, she is passing an object which in this
case is a newborn child that is perhaps 1,000 times larger
than the orifice the child is expected to go through.
- Add to that the labor and the associated pains that go
with it prior to the actual birth of the child and if it is
an especially long labor it can be very exhausting.
- Last but not least, there is the nine months of
pregnancy that she must go through before the child comes
into this world. Consider all the changes that her body must
go through during those nine months, the changes in
hormones, the mood swings, the weight gained and then add to
that the risks associated if it is a high risk pregnancy or
if there are complications which in some cases can be fatal
for the mother and/or the child.
- Generally she is the one who is expected to provide the
bulk of the nurturing to the children.
- Add to that if she so chooses not to be a stay at home mom
and decides to pursue a career she;
- Is either highly admired or looked down upon by others
for the choices that she made.
- She has to juggle the demands of home and her career. I
truly admire and respect the women who manage that. Most of
the time they do it out of necessity, either two incomes are
needed to survive or to get ahead or the woman in question
is a single mom or for whatever reason the husband does not
work outside of the home.
Does “size” really matter?
Why do we men and yes even the women do it too, obsess over the size of
certain “body parts”?
I got thinking about this question really hard after getting probably the one
millionth piece of spam about on how to “Increase Your Penis Size NOW” normally
I just laugh when I get this junk and bounce it right back to the sender without
giving it a second thought, but this time I started thinking “Damn this shit is
beginning to get really old” and what’s funny too is if I don’t get one of
those, I end up with getting one about increasing breast size (last time I
checked I did not have any tits, so I guess that leaves me out)
It is really odd how we feel about the size of our penises or our breasts,
almost like if we are not a certain size then we don’t measure up to some
certain invisible guideline or something. We feel some sort of
self-consciousness about ourselves and our definitions as men and women.
When I had originally posted this portion I had gotten some rather
interesting responses to it and this one lady really hit it right on the head:
- "It is not the size of the pen but how well you sign your name"
- This same lady also made this comment as well "The occasional three
pound steak is nice, but not something that I want to have everyday"
- Another lady who is a porn actress made this comment: "A big dick
without skill can be considered a very dangerous weapon"
Thinking about this topic though, while I am primarily a leg and ass man
myself, if I see a gal with a nice rack, I have all that I can do just to keep
my eyes in my head. Why the hell is that? Could be some conditioned response,
kind of like "Pavlov's dogs" I guess.
Years ago there was woman that I was dating for a while and the first weekend
that we had a chance to get away together (this was also the first time that we
were to get intimate as well) and we were in a cabin way up in the North Woods
of New Hampshire (on the Canadian border) and we were settling in and she
summons up the courage to ask me about "my size" and not knowing how to answer
that, I proceeded to "whip it out" and said "You be the judge." and in the back
of my head I was feeling a little self conscious about whether or not I was
going to "measure up".
She lets out a sigh of relief and commented that she had visions of me being
hung like a damn horse and was afraid that she would get split in two or some
damn thing like that. She "checks me out" and states "just right, not too big
and not too small"
Anyhow, I busted out laughing over this one.
Getting back to the original question at hand, does size really matter? Who
the hell cares, I am at the point where I just accept what I have and go from
there.
In Closing:
In my humble opinion I think that I have only begun to scratch the surface
where all of this is concerned. Hopefully in further installments I will be able
to share more of my observations.
During the course of composing this entry my original intended goal was to share
a light-hearted and humorous look at the interpersonal dynamics of male and
female interactions and relationships from my own perspective as a man,
somewhere along the line it has also taken a somewhat serious tone at times
which I certainly did not expect it to take and so now I am just rolling with
the flow and going wherever the spirit of this leads me and also to get a little
bit “religious” here, there is a “Power Greater than Myself” that is coming into
play here and I am not about to ignore that because when I do it comes back to
bite me in the backside when I least expect it.
Anyhow, I think I have rambled enough for right now and I will put this out
there for all of you to see and to give me your feedback.
There will be more to come on this and other topics so keep my blog bookmarked
for your viewing pleasure.
Remember too that what I post here is intended to be light-hearted, humorous,
insightful and at times thought provoking.
Let the comments begin!!!!