out some cllo new waAll hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy,
>painless removal. The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now.... The
>Wax!!
>
>My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home; fix
dinner;
>played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully
>in my mind for the next few hours; "Maybe I should pull the wax out of
>the medicine cabinet?"
>
>So I headed to the ! site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one of
>those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the
>strips together in your hand and then they get warm and you peel them
>apart, press it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right
off!
>
>No mess, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm no girly, girl, but I
>am mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out. *YA THINK!!!*
>
>So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each
other,
>stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair
>dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax on my rear end (Oh, how
this
>phrase haunts me!). I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin
>around it tight! and pull.
>
>OK... So it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do
>this!!! Hair removal no longer eludes me!! I am She-Ra, fighter of all
>wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire!!
>
>With my next wax strip, I move "north". After checking on the kids, I
>sneak back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting
>championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using
>the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of the
>bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down
to
>the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip). I inhale deeply
>and brace myself.... RRRRIIIIIIPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!
>
>I'm Blind!!!!! Blinded from pain!!!!!!... OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!
>
>Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of
>the strip. S**T!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP... Everything is
>swirly and spotted. Do I hear crashing drums????? OK, back to normal. I
>want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip with my hairy pelt that has
>caused me so much pain, sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory
>that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair
>on it!
>
>Where is the hair?? WHERE IS THE WAX? Slowly I ease my head down, foot
>still perched on the toilet. I see the hair... the hair that should be
>on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. S**T!!! I run my fingers over
>the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax
and
>matted hair.
>
>Then I make the next BIG mistake . . . . . . . Remember, my foot is
>still propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do something, so I put
>my foot down. DAMN!!! I hear the slamming of the cellar door.
>
>Vagina? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!!! I penguin-walk around the
>bathroom, trying to figure out what to do and think to myself, "Please
>don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off."
>
>Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can
stand
>into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the wax
>should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right?? *WRONG!!!!*
>
>I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
>torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now,
>the only thing worse that having your nether businesses glued together
>is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub.
>In scalding hot water!! Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
>
>So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!!! God bless the man that
>convinced me I should have a phone in the bathroom!!! I call my friend,
>thinking surely she's waxed before and has some secret of how to get me
>undone. It's a very good conversation starter, "So, my butt and who-ha
>are stuck to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She
>doesn't have a secret trick, but does try to hide the laughter from me.
>She wants to know exactly where the wax is located on my bottom, "Are
we
>talking cheeks or hole or what?"
>
>She's laughing out loud by now... I can hear her. I give her the
rundown
>and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!
>Right!!!!!! I would be the joke of someone else's night. While we go
>through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with a
>razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in
>hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water, and then dry
>shaving the sticky wax off!!!
>
>By now, the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I
>slip into glazed donut land. My friend is still talking with me as my
>hand reaches towards the saving grace... The lotion they give you to
>remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I
>rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids,
scared
>the dickens out of my friend, but I really don't care!!
>
>"IT WORKS!! IT WORKS!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend
and
>she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then
>notice, to my grief and despair... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE... ALL OF
>IT!!!!!!!!!!!
>
>So, I shaved it off. Heck, I'm numb at this point.
>
>Next week I'm going to try hair color...
