psycho's blog: "blogging"

Lately it has come to my attention that ppl don't care about me or my opinion as much as I tend to care about theirs. Ever since the stupid Domestic Violence case between my brother and I, people, won't talk to me, won't tell me what's going on in theirs lives, no matter how much I care. It's like I somehow slipped between the cracks. Even my husband, all he cares about anymore is moving to Utah. He won't even entertain the idea of doing anything else. Not only that but when I cry because I can't be with my kid either he falls asleep and dry humps me. this is not how love should feel. I shouldn't fell so alone all the time.

God damnit! Every time I think I have finally found a little piece of solid ground to stand on, something ( or someone ) happens to somehow yank it out from under me! Ever since I turned 13 and my Mom moved out of state, without me, it's like I'm always being blown this way or that at the whim of whatever. I'm so tired, and I'm way to young to be this God damn tired all the time! I'm only 23 for crying out loud. I weep for my little girl, only seven years old now, she has no more certanty than I do. I work so hard to give her everything I can but somehow it's still not enough. somehow we still can't be together. I cry at night knowing that she fears that I will leave her with her grandparents and just never come back. It's not right. she deserves so much better. But all I can do for her, is let her live with them so that she doesn't have to go through the fucked up roomates, and temporary bouts of homelessness with me. People tell me just to get a second job. How when I already work 64 or more hours a week? Then get a better job they say. How when I have no skills and I live in arizona, a right to work state? I've been to DES to ask for help, but they say I make to much money. How is that possible when I can't even afford to get health insurance through the company I work for? So they tell me to move somewhere where I can get the help I need. How when everything that means anything to me is here in this cespool of a Valley that they call Verde. This fucked up little black hole in the center of arizona, where misteriously once you've moved in no matter how much you hate it and no matter how many times you move away it sucks you back. To decay in it's grip. Is there anything left for me? for my child? Is there enough strength left in this broken body of mine? Enough sanity left in my tortured mind, to make it through this trial too? And just who the fuck is it that's putting me on trial? What do they want me to prove? Simple that I won't give up? That I can overcome? Where can I find the answers? who is it that harbors these wisdoms? And why do they keep them all to themselves? Do you know? Will you tell me?

Wow, this is the first time I've been home alone in like 2 mos. I have 4 roomates so it's a pretty rare thing. I feel kinda lost with out at least one of them here to pick on or talk to or smoke with or whatever. It's funny how living with ppl for an extended period of time can start to define the way you plan your day, and how you behave. It's almost like everything I do here on a day to day basis is a reaction to how they are feeling or what they are doing.