This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville
Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest
Christmas dinners. This won first prize.
Christmas With Louise
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty
hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all
he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say
about Santa checking the list twice must be true
because every
Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were
overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put
on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love
doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I
had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go.
You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour
saying things like, "What does this do? You're kidding
me! Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the
inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that
could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I
could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come
in many different models. The top of the line,
according to the side of the box, could do things I'd
only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled
for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the
price scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge leap
of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle
pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in
during the wee morning ours. Long after Santa had come
and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose ith Louise's
pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and
drank
what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I
went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa
had been to his house and left a present that had made
him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She
would bark, start to walk away, then come back and
bark some
more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty
hose so the rest of the family could admire her when
they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in
the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.
My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny
snapped.
I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth
shut.
"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to
steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any
teeth?"
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was
Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the
ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor
eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the
naked gal by the fireplace?"
I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel,
talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually
flirting. It was then that we realized this might be
Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk
about who had died, who was dying, and who should be
killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my
father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she
lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room
twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my
nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his
knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair
and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room,
and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough
examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse.
We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot
ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape,
we restored her to perfect health!