HeartsoundPresident of The Hug BrigadeHa...'s blog: "Domestic Violence"

Teens and Dating Violence Dating violence is a pattern of controlling behaviors that one partner uses to get power over the other, and it includes: * Any kind of physical violence or threat of physical violence to get control * Emotional or mental abuse, such as playing mind games, making you feel crazy, or constantly putting you down or criticizing you * Sexual abuse, including making you do anything you don’t want to, refusing to have safe sex or making you feel badly about yourself sexually Does your boyfriend: * Have a history of bad relationships or past violence; always blames his/her problems on other people; or blames you for “making” him/her treat you badly? * Try to use drugs or alcohol to coerce you or get you alone when you don’t want to be? * Try to control you by being bossy, not taking your opinion seriously or making all of the decisions about who you see, what you wear, what you do, etc.? * Talk negatively about people in sexual ways or talk about sex like it’s a game or contest? Do you: * Feel less confident about yourself when you’re with him/her? * Feel scared or worried about doing or saying “the wrong thing?” * Find yourself changing your behavior out of fear or to avoid a fight? Dating violence is more than just arguing or fighting. Teens who abuse their girlfriends or boyfriends do the same things that adults who abuse their partners do. Teen dating violence is just as serious as adult domestic violence. Teens are seriously at risk for dating violence. Research shows that physical or sexual abuse is a part of 1 in 3 high school relationships. In 95% of abusive relationships, men abuse women. However, young women can be violent, and young men can also be victims. Gay, lesbian, bisexual and trans-gendered teens are just as at risk for abuse in their relationships as anyone else. Abusive relationships have good times and bad times. Part of what makes dating violence so confusing and painful is that there is love mixed with the abuse. This can make it hard to tell if you are really being abused. Unfortunately, without help, the violence will only get worse. If you think you may be in an abusive relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline to talk with someone about it. You can also call the Hotline for more information about dating violence or other resources for teens. Their number is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224. To find out more about safety planning to help you keep you safe.

How can I help a friend or family member who is being abused? Don’t be afraid to let him or her know that you are concerned for their safety. Help your friend or family member recognize the abuse. Tell him or her you see what is going on and that you want to help. Help them recognize that what is happening is not “normal” and that they deserve a healthy, non-violent relationship. Acknowledge that he or she is in a very difficult and scary situation. Let your friend or family member know that the abuse is not their fault. Reassure him or her that they are not alone and that there is help and support out there. Be supportive. Listen to your friend or family member. Remember that it may be difficult for him or her to talk about the abuse. Let him or her know that you are available to help whenever they may need it. What they need most is someone who will believe and listen to them. Be non-judgmental. Respect your friend or family member’s decisions. There are many reasons why victims stay in abusive relationships. He or she may leave and return to the relationship many times. Do not criticize his or her decisions or try to guilt them. He or she will need your support even more during those times. Encourage him or her to participate in activities outside of the relationship with friends and family. If he or she ends the relationship, continue to be supportive of them. Even though the relationship was abusive, your friend or family member may still feel sad and lonely once it is over. He or she will need time to mourn the loss of the relationship and will especially need your support at that time. Help him or her to develop a safety plan. Encourage him or her to talk to people who can provide help and guidance. Find a local domestic violence agency that provides counseling or support groups. Offer to go with him or her to talk to family and friends. If he or she has to go to the police, court or a lawyer, offer to go along for moral support. Remember that you cannot “rescue” him or her. Although it is difficult to see someone you care about get hurt, ultimately the person getting hurt has to be the one to decide that they want to do something about it. It’s important for you to support him or her and help them find a way to safety and peace. If you think your friend or family member may be abusive, click here to find out more. Please call the 24-hour National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224 to discuss your concerns and questions.

Safety Planning Safety planning for someone involved in an abusive relationship is a necessary and important step. Planning can be used while you are still with your abuser or after the relationship has ended. While still in an abusive relationship, your safety is of primary importance. Safety Plan Guidelines * Personal Safety with an Abuser * Getting Ready to Leave * General Guidelines for Leaving an Abusive Relationship * After Leaving the Abusive Relationship * For a Printable Personal Safety Plan Click Here These safety suggestions have been compiled from safety plans distributed by state domestic violence coalitions from around the country. Following these suggestions is not a guarantee of safety, but could help to improve your safety situation. Personal Safety with an Abuser * Identify your partner's use and level of force so that you can assess danger to you and your children before it occurs. * Try to avoid an abusive situation by leaving. * Identify safe areas of the house where there are no weapons and there are ways to escape. If arguments occur, try to move to those areas. * Don't run to where the children are, as your partner may hurt them as well. * If violence is unavoidable, make yourself a small target; dive into a corner and curl up into a ball with your face protected and arms around each side of your head, fingers entwined. * If possible, have a phone accessible at all times and know what numbers to call for help. Know where the nearest pay phone is located. Know the phone number to your local battered women's shelter. Don't be afraid to call the police. * Let trusted friends and neighbors know of your situation and develop a plan and visual signal for when you need help. * Teach your children how to get help. Instruct them not to get involved in the violence between you and your partner. Plan a code word to signal to them that they should get help or leave the house. * Tell your children that violence is never right, even when someone they love is being violent. Tell them that neither you, nor they, are at fault or are the cause of the violence, and that when anyone is being violent, it is important to stay safe. * Practice how to get out safely. Practice with your children. * Plan for what you will do if your children tell your partner of your plan or if your partner otherwise finds out about your plan. * Keep weapons like guns and knives locked away and as inaccessible as possible. * Make a habit of backing the car into the driveway and keeping it fueled. Keep the driver's door unlocked and others locked -- for a quick escape. * Try not to wear scarves or long jewelry that could be used to strangle you. * Create several plausible reasons for leaving the house at different times of the day or night. * Call a domestic violence hotline periodically to assess your options and get a supportive understanding ear. Getting Ready to Leave * Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures. * Know where you can go to get help; tell someone what is happening to you. * If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit. * Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them, like a room with a lock or a friend's house where they can go for help. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you. * Contact your local battered women's shelter and find out about laws and other resources available to you before you have to use them during a crisis. * Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made, if possible. * Acquire job skills or take courses at a community college as you can. * Try to set money aside or ask friends or family members to hold money for you. General Guidelines for Leaving an Abusive Relationship * You may request a police stand-by or escort while you leave. * If you need to sneak away, be prepared. * Make a plan for how and where you will escape. * Plan for a quick escape. * Put aside emergency money as you can. * Hide an extra set of car keys. * Pack an extra set of clothes for yourself and your children and store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends. * Take with you important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc., as well as other important items, including: o Driver's license o Regularly needed medication o Credit cards or a list of credit cards you hold yourself or jointly o Pay stubs o Checkbooks and information about bank accounts and other assets * If time is available, also take: o Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.) o Titles, deeds and other property information o Medical records o Children's school and immunization records o Insurance information o Copy of marriage license, birth certificates, will and other legal documents o Verification of social security numbers o Welfare identification o Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions You may also create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate. Ask questions that require a call back to your house in order to leave phone numbers on record. After Leaving the Abusive Relationship If getting a restraining order and the offender is leaving: * Change your locks and phone number. * Change your work hours and route taken to work. * Change the route taken to transport children to school. * Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times. * Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect. * Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender. * Call law enforcement to enforce the order. If you leave: * Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. * Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. * Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number. * Change your work hours, if possible. * Alert school authorities of the situation. * Consider changing your children's schools. * Reschedule appointments that the offender is aware of. * Use different stores and frequent different social spots. * Alert neighbors and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger. * Talk to trusted people about the violence. * Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. * Install a motion sensitive lighting system. * Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible. * Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order. * Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number. All rights reserved. Copyright © 1998 by the National Center for Victims of Crime. This information may be freely distributed, provided that it is distributed free of charge, in its entirety and includes this copyright notice.

Does your partner: * Embarrass you with put-downs? * Look at you or act in ways that scare you? * Control what you do, who you see or talk to or where you go? * Stop you from seeing your friends or family members? * Take your money or Social Security check, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money? * Make all of the decisions? * Tell you that you’re a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children? * Prevent you from working or attending school? * Act like the abuse is no big deal, it’s your fault, or even deny doing it? * Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets? * Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons? * Shove you, slap you, choke you, or hit you? * Force you to try and drop charges? * Threaten to commit suicide? * Threaten to kill you? If you answered 'yes' to even one of these questions, you may be in an abusive relationship. For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.

At the National Domestic Violence Hotline… We believe that every caller deserves to be treated with dignity and respect. We believe that every family deserves to live in a world free from violence. We believe that safe homes and safe families are the foundation of a safe society. Until the violence stops, the hotline will continue to answer…One Call at a Time. Help is available to callers 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Hotline advocates are available for victims and anyone calling on their behalf to provide crisis intervention, safety planning, information and referrals to agencies in all 50 states, Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands. Assistance is available in English and Spanish with access to more than 140 languages through interpreter services. If you or someone you know is frightened about something in your relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.