i love that feelong ,..when you first get to know someone.. that butterflies in the stomache..can't eat & can't sleep... can't wait till i talk to yuo agoin absolute euphria just at the mention of their name feeling. lol.. yeah i am a nerd..a sap if you will. But I can't help it. I have tryed to change.. be more tough. but it never lasts..as i amm all softy to the core. I am a sucker for big puppy dog eyes , a coy smile and a few well worded compliments. I know this about me, and unfortunatly..so does everyone who ever comes in contact with me. Now I know you are thinking.. how can that be bad? Well... lemme explain. For those seldom few i ahve run across..that truly want to know me..the true me..amd treat me with the same kind of kindness and gentleness i put forth.. it's a good thing. As i play no real games and am veryfourth coming. But then there is the dark side of it all..and that's what scares the shit out of me. There are all these dark people out there just waiting for a dummy like me to open up to them. Just waiting for another victem,,, another notch in there belt..another head to play with,, another soul to torture. I have fallen prey to these people more times than i like to admitt. Shit i am currently in a "marriage" with one.. if thats what you wanna call it. It's neverbeen a real marriage... but thats neither here nor there. Soon it will be all water under the bridge. But how will i know, how can you spot these silver tounged devils? I am soo terrified of being crushed into oblivion again. I don't know who to trust with my heart again. I know there is someone i would like to give it too. But that scares me too..because i barely know him. I stand back and look at the big pictue..and i wonder.. am i setting myself up again.. you barely know this person!!! Are you stupid?!!? Am I so starved for love and affection that I am just latching on to whatever I can?... As i look on my past track record.. I am terrified. I want to be strong.. find someone genuine, someone who is willing to love me and my childeren for who we are. I know it seems liek alot to ask..but is it really? I know that i am not to far gone to go back. But do I want to? I want to give of my soul.. but do i dare? alas.. the ramblings have commensed,giggles. I wonder if i should just fly solo for a while. But I remeber the pain and anguish of "playing the girl who doesn't really care". It was a very lonly cold place to be. I have alot to juggle around in this thich Irish skull of mine.. perhaps...perhaps.. I will find the one for me..is he out there? Is he you?
