Waking up in the middle of the night, as I have done now; is just something that happens. I’ve become accustomed to pretty much eating sleeping pills just to get three hours of rest. If that’s what you want to call it anyway. They use to work when I first began to take them. Then I would wake continuously through the night. A quick trip to the shrink fixed that problem for a while. My prescription went from 100 mgs of Serequal to 200 and quickly to 6. That being just one of the many meds I’d been put on over the years. At present time along with the Serequal; I also am prescribed WelbutrinXL (depression), Zoloft (depression), and Lamictal (this was to cover the many bouts of self mutilation and the annoyance of occurring obsessions I’d have).
In person I was absolutely fabulous I guess one would say if having to describe me. But I and my Doctors defiantly knew different. On paper by government standards; I was absolutely certifiable to say the least.
I could pretty much deal with the waking in the middle of the night. The thing that started to irk me was the continuous nightmares that occurred while I was asleep. Kind of had the unfortunate feeling of being stuck between a rock and a hard spot. I mean it was disorienting at times. If I didn’t take the Serequal, I’d be up all night sometimes for days at a time.
Yet if I did take it I’d have the most horrible nightmares. Nightmares that’d have me afraid to leave my bed even though I felt as if my bladder would burst at any moment. They started out as nightmares but at this point as silly as it may sound; they’ve somehow materialized.
I remember when I first experienced awaking from what I thought was a dream only to realize it was as real as it gets. I’d heard footsteps in my room. Sounded like small lightweight feet, yet they were moving quickly, not covering much space actually. Looking from under the bedcovers I peered at the television thinking maybe I’d left it on. Nope, black was the screen and mute was the volume. I turned again to check the radio and once again nothing. Just the neon green light flashing the time, 4:14; the same time I’d awaken every morning for the last 3 months. Just as I was sure the sound had been in my dream I see something move out the corner of my eye. Stunned and thrown aback, my breath caught in my throat. It seemed as if my heart would burst from my chest at any moment. I stared as a little, how should we call it, troll, dwarf, a demon is what I ultimately came to describe it as; was quickly walking back and forth just inches from my bed.
I couldn’t quit figure out what it was doing but it seemed to be picking objects up and placing them on the other side of the room. I just sat frozen; clutching my pillow unable, yet also too afraid to say or do anything. Suddenly it stopped dead in its tracks and swung its head around looking at me as I was looking at it. The look of pure shock shown on both our faces, our eyes wide and questioning. It was as if it was just as surprised to see me as I was to see it and then it just vanished. Just like that; into thin air. Needless to say I didn’t get much sleep after that.
It re-occurred often after the first time but as I’d gotten use to everything else I also became use to my little visitor. I let it go on with whatever it was doing as it did me. I often burn candles of the Virgin Mary in my room and at those times my friend doesn’t seem to appear. This defiantly led me to the path of assuming that it was indeed some sort of demon. Scary thought to know you can bring things out of your dreams hugh? To know that they have the ability to materialize and not even acknowledge they are now in your world, until that one frightful moment when you both get that recognition of one another.
I’m sure you find this to be utter bullshit; I must agree I did myself the first few occasions. But I’ve learned to accept it. Somehow my mind has helped to bring out the demons that usually haunt me in my dreams and there is nothing on God’s green earth that can change that. I’d have never guessed that when my teachers use to tell me my “imagination would open a whole new world of existence; it was to be taken literally.
After having a warm glass of skim milk I glance over to make sure that my candle is still burning. It is still blazing high. I use the light from the flame to guide me back to bed and lay down. Instantly I begin to count in my head. One two three four…
I figure sometime between ninety and a hundred thirty I began to drift off.
