So sitting here thinking what I can do to make myself feel better. Realizing what makes me happiest is to make a difference to someone else.
It could be the smallest thing, a smile, a laugh, a joke. It's all the sweeter reward, when it's someone who is down and you can really tell their day has been lifted.
When working I had a habit of waving to 15-25 people every morning, and guess what.. they got in the habit of waving back and smiling. That along with an individual hello/good morning to each child as they walked on the bus. Middle schoolers had a habit of just looking at me like I was crazy or walking by with their Ipods secure in their ears, seemingly oblivious. I would still get a nod and smile from a handful and a couple with heartfelt return greetings. My elementary students were similar in a sense but the younger ones would really brighten up with a greeting. A few even would give me a hug as they entered the bus, even though I was unable to return the hug, company policy.
I have had difficulty lately where it seems no matter what I do, instead of lightening the day for someone I care for, I have the opposite affect. It has brought me down and I've been reaching out more to others who are obvious in their enjoyment of my company.
I have been afraid to share my thoughts openly, afraid people would not listen as I am often quiet/ignored/overlooked/disregarded when I have something to say. A part of me was afraid to share in fear of my words being taken wrong, do I trust my words in the minds of others? Or who would listen to a rambling on.
I'm at the point of fuggit. If I can brighten someone's day, Great. If not I'm not wasting the energy and burning myself out in the process.
Thank you to those who take the time to read this, it took a lot for me to share.
Edit: May 31.
It's been over a week since school has been out.
Yesterday I went grocery shopping, a bit frazzled after my son's doctor's appointment (screening for possible autism). He started fussing, screaming, and threw his shoes and socks on the floor. He finally calmed down as I enter the check out line hanging over the edge staring at the floor. A few carts ahead of me I see a smiling face, one of my middle schoolers, who would hardly take notice of my greetings before, waving and smiling. He gained the attention of another boy with him, "look there's our bus driver." The other boy also waved and smiled. It really cheered me up.
