How to Have a Successful Hook-Up
Single girls (and married ones!), we were wondering: When was the last time you boasted to your girlfriends about a mind-blowing one-night stand? An unbelievable fling? A hot friends-with-benefits encounter? If it's been a while since you felt that a wild night of casual sex earned you brunch-time bragging rights, you're not alone. For many women, sex of the "I just scored!" variety goes largely uncelebrated, and I'm here to tell you what a crying shame that is. The single gals of today have options galore when it comes to sexual satisfaction, and it's high time you (yes, you!) start enjoying that fact. But first, here are some guidelines for getting your head in the game:
Understand That Sex Is Not Love
For many people - male and female alike - this is a tough distinction to make. If you're one of those people, casual sex is unlikely to be in the cards for you. It's true that sex can be amazing when it's with someone you love - but is it always? No. And the same goes for sex with someone you don't love - it can be incredible or incredibly disappointing. Sex and love are often two distinct entities. Believe this to be true, and see what unfolds. If you can't, as we said, simply don't have casual sex. Be honest with yourself about your thoughts on the matter and your own moral code.
Keep Your Emotions and Your Orgasms Separate
To do this, you need to have enough self-awareness (and probably age and experience) to understand what you want from the situation and why you want it. Again, you must gauge the situation and be clear and honest with yourself before doing the deed. You might even want to quickly contemplate how you might feel after the fact - ask yourself if you're sure that you'll be able to walk away without wanting to see him again.
Believe in the Pleasure Principle
Focus on your own gratification, on a purely physical level, and make the encounter about what gets you off. If pleasing him does that, then please him. If you'd like him to do something he's not, ask for it. A successful hook-up is when you feel completely satisfied and happy with yourself.
Make Sure It's Just Sex
As previously noted, go for a guy who doesn't have the whole package - perhaps just the below-the-belt package. Be clear about your expectations and his, if necessary. Don't spend too much time bonding with each other before or after the fact. "If one engages in casual sex, one must understand that they are meeting a need and not simulating feelings of love. If one begins to cuddle, to share life experiences, one will begin to develop attachments to the sex partner," says Jewel, 31, of Long Beach, California. So limit your conversations with him to the here and now. This can include shameless flirting, observations about what's going on around you or your thoughts on sex and sexuality. Try not to discuss too much about your past or future - or his. That said, it never hurts to enquire about his sexual history. You can do this in a flirtatious way that makes the conversation hot but also helps you gauge what risks might be involved. Then, focus on the action and the action alone.
Limit the Encounters
The more times you see a person, the longer you spend together, the greater your expectations will be. "I abide by the 'no more than three times rule' because I firmly believe that after the third time, somebody will develop feelings. Keep it simple, easy and painless," says Emily, 23, of Chapel Hill, North Carolina. Isabel, 24, of Atlanta, agrees: "Casual sex, for me, would have to take place with the same person over a shorter time span. If this is a repeat process, one person is going to develop feelings and get hurt. Keep it short and sweet."
Break the Rules
We've already discussed the whole double standard that often exists when it comes to men who sleep around versus women who do. So, here's the deal: We, as females, need to show the world that sex without commitment is absolutely our prerogative. You can call us every name in the book for doing it, but those labels will only make us stronger. In fact, embrace those labels. Say, "I'm a slut! I'm a whore! I love sex!" and mean it. "Society around us needs to change and begin to encourage women to find pleasure - pleasure for pleasure's sake," say Emily Kramer and Melinda Gallagher, cofounders of Cake. "The one-night stand is not inherently a negative or a male experience. It is possible for women to have a pleasurable, responsible and safe one-night stand. Have no fear - cultural norms will catch up with us if we give them no choice."
Keep Yourself Busy
Before you can get caught up in Mr. Last Night, start looking for Mr. Tonight. Go down the list of men you've had your eye on. Don't dismiss the value of occupying yourself with all the other things in your life, either: Throw yourself into your job, a hobby, a class, things around the house - anything that will take your mind off yesterday's man. The more you focus on the here and now (devoid of the dude you just did), the less likely you'll obsess over him.
Bond with the Girls
It's incredible how easy it is to forget a guy (especially ones who are only good for one thing) when you're interacting with friends with whom you're more deeply connected. Furthermore, they'll be there for you if you want to discuss what transpired with your latest conquest - and they'll be ready with advice, perspective and a big bottle of celebratory wine. So there it is. Casual sex is largely about attitude - the right attitude - and that means a clear understanding of what you want and what he wants, too. Focus exclusively on having one great night with the guy, and don't let your thoughts go anywhere near entertaining what's going to happen next, whether or not he's going to call you, want you, and be your everything. It's just not going to happen, honey. At least, don't expect it to. Stay in control - before, during and after - and then accept that that's it. Finito. The end. Flip him over, he's done.
