Depression and its constant struggles....
Has anyone ever been in a position where they have lots to say but are too sad to talk? I have had this account for a bit now. Everyday I think about sitting down at the computer and writing something to add to this. I hate that my next entry is going to be somewhat a bummer but sadly I don't think I can discuss much else till I get past this. Many of you may wonder where I've been the past few weeks. I apologize for my absence. Please know my friends that you have not been absent from my thoughts and in my heart.
I suffer from severe depression. Some may read that and deem me instantly a flake or a nut. Many friends hear this and say "don't be so dramatic just get over it". OR my absolute favorite "you are an adult... control your emotions and stop acting childish". I hate these people... at least to some extent. It makes me want to grab them by the shoulders and say "thank you oh ignorant small minded one... your obvious and glib suggestions have freed me from my problems... I just never thought to grow up or snap out of it. Hey I hear Tom Cruise agrees with you, perhaps you should join forces w/ him to free all of us weak willed people." Then it make me somewhat wish they could have a taste of what its like to be in my head so they'd shut the hell up.
I am ranting on this issue since yesterday I just got back from my psychiatrist office. Apparently we have decided I should change up my medications and doses AGAIN... Great as if its not bad enough I get a different diagnosis from every doctor I've ever seen. Either no one knows what my illness is or I am the most mentally screwed up person on the planet. I have been diagnosed with the following: ADD (attention deficit disorder); BPD (borderline personality disorder); PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder); routine depression (which I am doubtful of since most people get better I never seem to be able to get rid of this); and finally the biggie bi-polar disorder (formerly manic depression). I refuse to believe there is this much wrong w/ me. I would give almost anything to know I was normal again.
Right now, I start everyday thinking "damn I am awake and can't stay asleep". I feel that I have wasted my entire life. I did everything right growing up. I was a straight A student till high school, I graduated in top 15% of my class. I went to college, not really b/c I wanted to but b/c it was the next logical step to me. I knew I was too smart to not go. Then I made what I thought at the time was an excellent decision... but now I look at it as a several thousand dollar failure. I went to law school, where I busted my ass for 3 years. Only to then fail the bar exam and shoot my confidence big time. At the moment I am still in unemployment hell/limbo. I have tried not to let the many rejections I've gotten get me discouraged. However, at this point I am totally unable to prevent that. Now I face the decision of what to do with myself. What is my plan B. I have discovered something.... I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE what my plan B is. Heck at this point I lack so much confidence that even though I know I need to take that test a 2nd time I hold out little hope I'll pass it.
Many may tell me "if you think this way then why are you going to try". Since most of you out there don't actually know me I'll explain my thought process. I will still try to give studying my all. I keep trying to convince myself that I have thought this way before and beaten everything else. I am very scared though that I can't do that this time. Usually my depression has moments where it stops and I can be normal. Lately that has not been the case. I cry several times a day for many times no reason. I stopped eating almost entirely. Its not a conscious decision I am just down so much of the time that I am not hungry and I forget to eat entirely. Although lately when I've tried to sit down to eat like a normal person my brain starts its insecurity talk. That means my head is flooded with negative self imagery about how fat and unattractive I am. After a head full of that its tough to pick up a fork and enjoy anything.....
I am just so tired of my brain being sad and negative. I hate being this way and I shut people out of my life when I am. By that I sort of disappear. I don't return calls, don't get online. I mean who wants to know how sad I am all the time... its a bummer. My hope is that if I vented some of these feelings out I'd feel better (um... so far its not working... but I'll try to give it time) I am not going to give up... but I am just so tired of being abnormal. I think I'd do just about anything to be a normal basically happy person again. I just don't know how to do it.
I promise not to drag any of you guys down with me. I just really needed to vent that. Thanks
Luv Danni
