i'v been gettin less and less sleep every night. it started i guess when i started going to bed earlier and then recently (when the 6 day break started) i started going to bed later and later. a couple of nights ago i went to bed like around 1-something. last night i went to bed around 2:30 and still had to drag myself out of bed by 7-something cuz i hadnt finished my english essay (i'm still not done and it was due today). so basically i'm running on a bunch of black tea, ADD meds and 4 hrs of sleep. i basically skipped lunch today (a bunch of celery and three bites of an apple which STILL gets me nowhere) i'm thinkin i'm gonna start askin for tea in my waterbottle during the day cuz then i'll actually drink something during the day.
*sigh* the days get more and more stressful...
i get to hang out wit my friend, thomas tomorrow around wilson IF he realizes that tomorrow is friday instead of tuesday (like me...i thought today was monday). Ade said he would call on a friday IF he could hang out...kinda hope it's not tomorrow tho. i might see brittany or zack the sonter or marshall or reese (well i'll see her at skool anyway) or enise or julia...i dunno. i doubt josh is still around so i dont have to worry about being seduced so my guard can be down (finally!). this guy working next door waved at me (hispanic guy) as i got out of zack the nerd's car and tried to get my key to work...yes, i waved bak, it's not like i'm actually gonna talk to him tho.
my sis leaves tomorrow i think for italy. she'll be gone a week (i thought she was gonna be gone for a month) and my mom leaves saturday for chicago and watever else is there for her and her friends to do. i'm stuck at home wit my dad and the dog. if friday's plans dont work out, at least i get to go to a hockey game wit jarrett and his family. i feel like crap cuz i lost the caps shirt he gave me the last time he invited me and i couldnt go. sadly i got up and out of bed last night to go look for it and i couldnt find it so my search continues tonight if i cant sleep again.
back to the sleep thing...i felt restless...like i was missing something important. guess you could also call it anxious, but wow i couldnt do anything last night. i read my artemis fowl book but then i got bored and then switched to hamlet for the english essay. then i was just lyin there thinkin, got bored, got up and went to go look for the shirt, went to the bathroom for no reason, went bak to bed, got up turned off the fan, went bak to bed, lower the radio, read some more artemis fowl. when i did get to sleep i SLEPT and woke up like 9 minutes before my alarm went off at 6:30. i cant stress enough how much it SUCKS.
i told my mom something that only michelle knows about...and will but he's not on LC. we'r gonna get it looked at ASAP. i guess wat really worried me was that my friend's dad is sick wit cancer and it's throughout his body. he just got an operation done and he's coming home tomorrow, so that got me thinkin and i just blurted it out to my mom.
next subject...it occurred to me that my past will catch up wit me someday and i have to be ready for that so i'm tryin to tie up loose ends all of which are escaping from my grasp. and everytime i try, another loose end appears. i think i should just be put in solitary for the rest of my life, then nothing else would happen to me and everyone would be happy. i wouldnt hurt people like jimmy, or kevin, or someone who's serious about me. cuz i still dont know if an engagement that was previously touched upon is still valid or not. if it is, then great, if it's not then me and the guy will prolly still be friends. *sigh*
which still makes me wonder who here is real. i mean to be honest, i hear guys i just met tell me they love me and yes, i believe it. i'm sorry i like to be loved. of course, i end up assumin a lot and then it never happens...i wish guys would only say "i love you" if they truly TRULY mean it, wit their heart and soul and everything they are. i wish guys would hold up to wat they promise. i mean, i hear from them that they'll always be there for me and yet, they arent ANYWHERE when i need them! then there are the excuses of "i was busy", and i'm not trying to say devote ur life to me but i mean, i see them online on LC and if ur not too busy to be online for hours and look at my new photos or my blog (yes i do check who looks at my stuff) then you could shoot me a message or something. i'm tired of finding out the hard way that there's another girl or some shit. i wish guys were actually SERIOUS when they say shit like "i love you".
that's my rant for the day. i now have to read like 78 pages in spanish and do my english essay and my tutor's coming tonight.
thinking of changin my profile video to breaking benjamin "the diary of jane"
love ya for reading this dumb ass rant...i really should just erase it and lie to you, telling u i had a good day instead of a relatively crappy one
~ace~
