New Rule No 1=: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a
reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of
The football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.
New Rule No 2=: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a
human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than
a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule No 3=: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for
these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule No 4=: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
you're a dope. If y ou're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols.
If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule No 5: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule No 6=: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle
of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.
Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored
water? Pour some Jack Daniels over ice and let it melt. That's your Flavored water.
New Rule No 7=: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a
Redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is
now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
This ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, yo u just solved the
Social Security crisis.
New Rule No 8: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf Grande half-soy,
half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra
dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a
huge asshole.
New Rule No 9=: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid
who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule No 10=: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to
"beef with broccoli." T he last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to
God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule No 11=: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating,
because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned
exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already
doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule No 12=: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for
M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule No 13=: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy,
Old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a Remote
so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the
reason something was a television show in the first place is that the
Idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule No 14=: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule No 15=: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had
sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there,
or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam,
dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule No 16=: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.
And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule No 17=: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that
pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo
every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around
saying" Do you want fries with that?"
You just gotta Love George!
