What can I say the 3 words above describe it all.
I am sitting here in my house thinking about where to go next with my life. What steps to take and how to accomplish the one thing I want the most out of it. Finding someone who cares for me as much as I am willing to care for them.
Heartbroken: Let me describe how I became this way.
I sit here at my house everyday for the past month at least on my computer talking to my friends. I give them my full attention in most cases and when I don't the understand.
It seems like when I meet someone on here I fall for that person way to fast. I met a great guy on here and told him how I felt for him and even went as far as giving him my full attention when he was online and talking to only him. I told my boyfriend how I felt about this man and needless to say he wasn't very happy but what can I say I don't blame him for feeling upset.
I just don't understand how I can have feelings so deep for one but yet they just can't seem to give me a chance to be with them as more. They always seem to lead me on until the point were they realize they want something more then it's at the moment that they decide they can't have a relationship with me. I get my hopes up for nothing it seems.
Me and Mr. Mystery as I call him decided since he didn't want to pursue a relationship that we would just be friends. Tell me something though it seems now more then ever since we decided on this that he has grown distant from me and will hardly say hello until I say hello. Almost like he is ashamed that he even cared for me. Or even ashamed to have me as a friend.
Another thing that is bothering me is this....
Me and my boyfriend were talking this morning on yahoo and we was having a great conversation then up out of no were he disappears and logs out. He didn't say good bye to me which is odd and with him having suicidal thoughts it scares me because I don't know what happened to him.
He has never logged out without saying good bye. Now I know where he is they are having some snow and maybe just maybe its a power outage or something. For right now I am not thinking the worst only that possibly something came up and he had to get off the computer in a hurry.
Ok so on to the next category...
Defensless:
I feel this way because I let my feelings take over in too many situations and lose control. I usually jump to conclusions about things too soon and don't let them play out. If I would just realize not all people are what they seem to be and not believe everything I am told then perhaps just perhaps I would be happier.
I waste too much time listening to the good to realize there is bad in most people to. This being said I need to look deeper into who a person really is and not let them control me.
And Confused...
Well this kinda speaks for itself in most cases. I am confused confused on were to go and what to do with my life as stated earlier. I mean I have nothing to look forward to right now. No family down here were I am, no friends close by.
The only friends I can honestly say I have are online and most of them are so far from me that I will never get to meet them face to face.
Alot of them have been there for me when I am down and up...stupid mood swings with this bi-polar stuff. I hate it. But being confused is the sad part because I just don't know some days what will happen next. I wake up each morning or night in some cases depending on how I feel, and think about what have I accomplished on the internet?
Yeah I have managed to make a few great friends and some good ones but I mean for myself what have I accomplished?
Nothing thats what!
I just sit here everyday and do the same thing day in and day out hoping for the next big thing to come along with my art or poetry but nothing happens. I just meet more online men who want to take me to bed or jerks wanting to see naked pictures...that figures the net is so full of them anymore.
Oh and trust me it's not just men either. I was here on fubar the other day and this girl on here sends me a friends request ok cool I accept like I always do no big deal.
A few minutes later I get a notification on yahoo that someone wants to add me to there friends so I am like ok sure because she said she was from fubar. Ok I accept and well the convo goes a little like this:
***I removed her yahoo id to protect her although I wish sometimes I would leave it in here so everyone can add her and tell her how much of a sick fuck she is!*****
xxxx (1/26/2008 10:18:27 AM): hi
StarBYRD69 (1/26/2008 10:18:36 AM): Hello
xxx (1/26/2008 10:19:00 AM): if i lived closer id hang out with you. but i got family in springfield i like to come see
StarBYRD69 (1/26/2008 10:19:13 AM): oh really
xxxx (1/26/2008 10:19:19 AM): yes
xxxx (1/26/2008 10:19:22 AM): are you bi or straight
StarBYRD69 (1/26/2008 10:19:44 AM): bi
xxxx (1/26/2008 10:19:58 AM): im very bi, but more try sexual, you name it ill try it
StarBYRD69 (1/26/2008 10:20:15 AM): cool
StarBYRD69 (1/26/2008 10:20:19 AM): do you ever get down here
xxxx (1/26/2008 10:20:26 AM): yes i do
xxxx (1/26/2008 10:20:36 AM): how open minded are you?
StarBYRD69 (1/26/2008 10:20:57 AM): pretty open minded
xxxx (1/26/2008 10:21:03 AM): ok
xxxx (1/26/2008 10:21:10 AM): im single, only male in my life is my dog
StarBYRD69 (1/26/2008 10:21:19 AM): I dont blame you on that
StarBYRD69 (1/26/2008 10:21:24 AM): wish that was the case with me
xxxx (1/26/2008 10:21:41 AM): id rather have the dog, even if he tries to hump me
StarBYRD69 (1/26/2008 10:21:54 AM): I agree with you
xxxx (1/26/2008 10:22:05 AM): and i was curious about that too lool
StarBYRD69 (1/26/2008 10:22:27 AM): never tryed that
xxxx (1/26/2008 10:22:42 AM): i have
xxxx (1/26/2008 10:22:45 AM): its amazing
StarBYRD69 (1/26/2008 10:23:28 AM): really
xxxx (1/26/2008 10:23:36 AM): ever been curios
xxxx (1/26/2008 10:23:38 AM): curious
StarBYRD69 (1/26/2008 10:23:51 AM): not that curious
xxxx (1/26/2008 10:24:09 AM): my first girl was when i was young too, i was 10 and she was 13
StarBYRD69 (1/26/2008 10:24:48 AM): how did that go
xxxx (1/26/2008 10:24:58 AM): it was fun, we found dads porn
xxxx (1/26/2008 10:25:03 AM): she was my older sister
StarBYRD69 (1/26/2008 10:25:28 AM): do what
StarBYRD69 (1/26/2008 10:25:32 AM): thats not right
xxxx (1/26/2008 10:25:43 AM): we were kids, we didnt know
StarBYRD69 (1/26/2008 10:25:51 AM): UM OK
StarBYRD69 (1/26/2008 10:25:52 AM): still
xxxx (1/26/2008 10:26:03 AM): we jsut watched it and masturbated together
StarBYRD69 (1/26/2008 10:26:34 AM): thats strange
StarBYRD69 (1/26/2008 10:26:48 AM): im not that open but ok what ever floats ur boat
xxxx (1/26/2008 10:29:15 AM): only once it happened
StarBYRD69 (1/26/2008 10:29:24 AM): ok
StarBYRD69 (1/26/2008 10:29:28 AM): what else have u done
xxxx (1/26/2008 10:31:37 AM): my fantasy is to lick a girl as my dog takes me
StarBYRD69 (1/26/2008 10:32:00 AM): hmm ok
xxxx (1/26/2008 10:32:12 AM): would you help me
StarBYRD69 (1/26/2008 10:32:24 AM): no I am not into beastiality
xxxx (1/26/2008 10:32:37 AM): so you wouldnt even watch it
StarBYRD69 (1/26/2008 10:33:05 AM): no not my thing sorry
StarBYRD69 (1/26/2008 10:33:11 AM): Ijust like humans
xxxx (1/26/2008 10:35:44 AM): and take me with your fist, i like it hard and fast
xxxx (1/26/2008 10:36:26 AM): im wet
StarBYRD69 (1/26/2008 10:36:38 AM): im live on camon my profile on fubar
****notice i try to change the convo here but no luck*****
xxxx (1/26/2008 10:37:37 AM): you wet?
StarBYRD69 (1/26/2008 10:37:56 AM): no
xxxx (1/26/2008 10:38:04 AM): if i was there you would be
StarBYRD69 (1/26/2008 10:38:28 AM): you think so
xxxx (1/26/2008 10:38:40 AM): id have my fist in you, to the wrist
xxxx (1/26/2008 10:38:59 AM): i got small hands so id try 2 of them
StarBYRD69 (1/26/2008 10:39:44 AM): well i dont think i can do that
xxxx (1/26/2008 10:39:57 AM): you lick my hand clean with me?
StarBYRD69 (1/26/2008 10:40:18 AM): no
xxxx (1/26/2008 10:40:29 AM): what is the kinkiest you have done?
After this last phrase I quit talking to her so as I was saying it's not just guys who are sick fucks around the net anymore girls are to!
So hope you all enjoyed reading my blog until next time ...
Much Missouri Love!
~Stacie~
