This morning I had some downtime...
Got to thinking, again, about life in general
I just turned 39, life definately isn't what I want it to be.
Divorced,single, back in CT.......
I have tried to figure out where i am meant to be in life......
All the moving I have done, ex being military etc
has effected my kiddo
Shes happy here, I am not.So needless to say I owe it to her to stay here and give her some stability.
I miss Florida terribly, but I love my kiddo more.
This area I am in, in CT, is family orientated, lots of kids, not so much single people. All the women I know are married or too young for friendship {we wouldnt have much in common}
Men I have met so far are out for ass or games, age not being a factor, they seem to all be stuck on stupid.
I have been taking a good look at myself and I am older, not pretty, but no one sees past that.
Doesnt matter I have a good career, am a faithful person, know how to keep a house etc.
Men dont see past looks at all.
It came to me this morning that it has been months since I have had a hug or someone to hold me, except for the kiddo.
I would love to have a family again.
Last night alone on here I had three men,about my age, tell me I seem cool, but arent pretty enough to date. I have never thought of myself as pretty, but maybe just average.
Maybe I am just hideous and dont see it.
Maybe I am just old, not really sure anymore.
The guys who do say I am pretty usually end up being liars, fakes or just want sex. Sometimes they just say I am beautiful but dont want a relationship, but I see them a few weeks later with someone.
A few of my friends on here, when and if they read this, will roll thier eyes.
But this is how I feel and no matter what they think, it doesnt change this.
I fake being happy alot. I dont want anyone to know whats really in my head. I have to be happy for my kid, at least fake it enough for her to think I am.
Sometimes it is just hard to get out of bed,to breathe.
If it wasnt for her I would be lost or dead. She is the ONLY thing in my life worth smiling for at all, she keeps me going. I know i should be grateful I have at least her, and I am.
But I need more too.
Very few know of a recent incident in my life, that once again I had to deal with alone, because another couldnt live up to thier responsibility.
Why is it so hard to find someone that would love me for me. I often think I am just to hideous for someone to really want me. Not internet want. Just to want me, to hold me, want to be around me.
It isnt my "attitude" as some would say. Alot of people will be surprised to read this, like I said I fake alot of being happy and and self confident.I dont know anymore, but I had to let this all out somewhere. All I have ever wanted was a family, husband, few kids, just simple things. Im not materialistic at all. But seems thats too much to ask for
