Humorous Sayings
In Order to get the handsome prince, you have to kiss a
lot of toads.
Never forget a friend, especially those that owe
you--Chinese Proverb
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking,
and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still
wrong?
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.
Suburbs are areas where they cut down trees and then name
the streets after them.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of
getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll
get it wrong.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
It may be your sole purpose in life to serve as a warning
to others.
Strangers have the best candy.
Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have
their shoes. -Jack Handy
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those
who can't.
My husband and I divorced over religious reasons. He
thought he was G-d and I didn't!
Earth is the insane Asylum for the universe.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
I almost had a psychic boyfriend, but he left me before we
met!
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back!
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the
necessary forms.
I can only please one person per day. Today is not your
day. Tomorrow doesn't look too good either.
When the blind leadeth the blind, get out of the way.
Keep smiling - it makes everyone wonder what you're up to.
Never drink water - if it can rust iron, imagine what it
can do to your stomach.
There's always a light at the end of the tunnel...just
hope it's NOT a train!
I'm not littering... I'm donating to the earth.
If it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed
replacement anyway.
If you dont like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!
Chaos, panic, pandemonium - my work here is done.
DEAR IRS, Please cancel my subscription.
G-d, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot
change, the courage to change the things I can, and the
wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill
because they annoyed me.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defence.
Buy one for the price of two and get the second one free!
Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within
only a few weeks of captivity, they can train Americans to
stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom
door you're on.
If the left side of your brain controls the right side of
your body, then only left handed people are in their right
mind.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
If you blow in a dog's face-he'll get mad at you, but take
him for a ride in the car - the first thing he does is
stick his head out of the window!
Man is a peculiar creature. He spends a fortune making his
home insect-proof and air-conditioned, and then eats in
the yard.
Only in America do we have drive up ATM's with braile on
them.
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without
repeating a letter is 'uncopyrightable'!
The only ones who aren't grateful on Thanksgiving are
turkeys.
Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a
revolving door.
Education is what you get from reading the small print.
Experience is what you get from not reading it.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is. It's
always room-temperature.
money may not buy happiness, but it sure makes misery much
easier to live with.
Anyone who says 'Easy as taking candy from a baby' has
never tried it.
ALWAYS LATE but worth the wait.
I'd have a photographic memory but it was never developed.
I'm actually quite pleasant until I'm awake.
If you're too open-minded your brains will fall out.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
If con is the opposite of pro, what's the opposite of
progress?
The difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know,
and I couldn't care less.
He's not dead... he's electroencephalographically
challenged.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all
nervous and give the wrong answers--Joseph Blosephina
I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one
that I couldn´t explain away afterwards.
It´s funny- the ppl. who want quiet are always the loudest
getting everyone else to shut up.
Imagine how much deeper the ocean would be without
sponges.
Whoever said money can´t buy happiness doesn´t know where
to shop.
The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips
abroad. It might be worth it except they keep coming
back.*
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And
there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of
them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother
Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's
Colin.*
If it weren't for Edison, we'd be watching TV by
candlelight.*
Anyone who wants the presidency enough that he will spend
two years organizing and campaigning for it is not to be
trusted with the office.*
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark
side, and it holds the universe together.*
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