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Pain is weakness leaving the body most say, but then why does it feel so unbearable to move after pain has been felt? Emotions run high as weakness leaves but then once it has left a whole new perspective is to be seen through the eyes, i feel a burden has been lifted and taken away off my shoulders or even my chest. When i cant breath it gets blurry and my mind rushes through thoughts like it was drinking a coke, it cant stop to think about the situation so poorly made decisions come into play. This is my life, in my words through my eyes, many people dont understand how hard it is for me to deal with my emotion on a daily basis, only those that read may understand but i just want people to learn about what i go through every day just to live life, life is never for granted, but a gift so precious and shall never be upturned to the life I.ve been dealt.
CHAPTER 1.
The Early Years
I was born Lyndon Adrian Chamberlin, on January 12, 1989 to parent Brenda Campbell. I was taken out of her
custody because of her lifestyle, She drank and used drugs such as cocaine, she sniffed gas that caused premature Multiple Sclerosis at a very young age that put her into a wheel chair. I had always had thoughts of her but i have so much anger towards her but I wouldn't ever tell her that.
I was put into a adoption home at birth, never to know my biological mothers real name or to ever know her or feel her touch or feel her love. I was adopted to a family on march 3rd 1990, a loving family that i will do anything for even through all the hardships that was caused from my attitude and actions and words. My mother and father became Elaine and Stan Chamberlin, with brother Ryan Chamberlin and sister Kimberly Chamberlin. I will forever be grateful to be put into a family that taught me a lot about my culture and about myself even through my stubbornness.
As i was a young child i was happy, never had a care in the world, never thought about anything bad always smiled and laughed and was always in a good mood. Then I began school, I was so happy I wanted to learn and to meet new people and make a lot of friends, but i soon realized how cruel kids are, never thought i would feel depression at a very young age. My peers would push me down and pull my hair scratch and grab me and say words so cruel my heart sank with each harsh word said to my face and behind my back. The beginning of struggling to stay alive for the people i love started at age 5.
My very first day of school showed me how my life would turn in a matter of a year. I dressed up in a nice wind suit, classy as my Brother was a athlete, so I thought id dress like him for my first day as he was a hero and my mentor. Ran into my classroom hung my jacket up and sat in the circle of kids that were my age, I quickly said I'm Lyndon, at that moment one kid said you sound retarded four eyes, i looked at him then didn't say anything for the rest of the class until recess. I ran outside so full of energy until my energy was shot down by my peers once again, I saw my classmates play four square, i ran up and asked if i could join, they all looked at me and said no your to stupid to play with us. Once gain my happiness was shot down and i walked slowly to the doors where i sat down and cried for the rest of the recess. I couldn't believe what was going on, my mind couldn't comprehend the words as i thought i was normal and should be friends with them so I kept trying and trying but my peers wouldn't have anything to do with me at all. A small amount of depression gathered after an incident that brought fear of going to school because of my peers.
I was playing around the tire bridge on our play structure, i decided to go inside and come out the other end as a lot of the kids were doing. I became trapped in there, my peers were at either opening of the tires and the others began to rock and shake the bridge back and forth. I was screaming for them to stop and to let me out but they didn't stop until the bell rang to go back to class. I was still in the tires and i wasn't moving or coming out, fear set in and i didn't want to be alive, my very first thought of suicide was at the age of 5 years old, i was finally convinced to come out right before 3:30 when school ended, the principal had my mom come and help him out get me out, once i finally crawled out my mom took me home. On our way home I walked in front of her and told my mom in a very fearful, depressed, sad and crackly voice with tears still pouring down like rain "mom, i hate school I never ever want to go back there again." but my fear had to be fought and the next day i had to go back to a hell hole i feared for my life.
Every day I had school, I would fear what would happen that day when i first opened my eyes. I would smile as i said good morning but behind the smile was tears of emotional pain that hurt deeper then any cut I have ever received from being clumsy or a knife. No one saw the pain i hid behind the smile I only knew the depression and thoughts i had. No one could understand why I was such a freak out as most would say, I couldn't handle my emotions or my thoughts of wanting to kill myself, no one could tell the laugh and smile I showed was fake. People still can't, i wish people could see and understand the pain i bear underneath it all. Every word to put me down and lowered my self confidence and self esteem and my self worth was so thin but I still never gave up.
Days passed and weeks and years, i was in grade 6, as depression worsened and the emotional pain deepened with every day i lived i couldn't see past that day i wanted to die, no one saw the signs until the first cut was ever shown in grade six. No one understood why i would do such a thing. Self harm was a bad thing, to me it was a reliever from the pain i felt. My Teachers Assistant Ms. Martin took me aside one day and told me that my classmates said I stunk, I bathed every night and brushed my teeth every morning and night, I flipped out hard core. No one saw that coming, I got sent to the principals office, one of many times that id be sent there through my school years.
CHAPTER 2.
The Older I Get
The older i got, the depression got worse, more cuts appeared on my wrists. No one saw that my pain was to the point every thought i had was suicidal. Only wished that one night my life would end, but it never, and i believe that with every morning i woke up the stronger i got even through the days my suicidal thoughts were at a breaking point. People would ask me where i saw myself in 5 years, i said every time in university with a girlfriend that loves me and a job that i love. Never happened. But then again everything has made all my dreams wash away down a drain. High school was the worst time of my life. My depression got so bad, i had way more anger then anyone saw, i held everything in til id explode. I was diagnosed with Tourettes Syndrome at the age of 13. just another reason for people to make even more fun of me i thought. I guess everything happens for a reason but that reason was unclear at that age.
Everything turned upside down when i was accused of hitting my Teachers Assistant, i didn't hit her, i would never hit a woman. But still people didn't see it, they didn't listen to me. No one ever did, I was always the odd one out and was told to sit wait my turn, but my turn never came. I kept waiting to be heard, but my voice remained unheard. You know how silence kills the mood? Well when a voice is silenced it has a harder time to speak because it has never been able to tell its tales. Well that was me, my voice was silenced and still remains silenced, but it will be heard even if no words are verbally spoken.
I took a strong liking to my creativity through drawings, poetry and music. I love to draw, i love to write, Id say that when i write its a way to get my stress and ease my emotions, but who knows, maybe its just a way for me to escape my life, no one will know, i dont even know. Music is a strong aspect of my life, if music never existed i wouldn't be here today to tell my story, music has kept me alive, it has kept me strong. "Without music....life would be a mistake." The many quotes I like and strongly believe is true.
