therefore i am?
i don't know. i've been spending a lot of time thinking about life, liberty and the persuit of personal happiness. i get it, everybody is entitled to the basic rights... but at the cost of another's basic rights?
i just don't know about that.
the rede teaches us one thing, if nothing else, *an it harm none, do as you will* - basic christian tenents teach us *do unto others as you will have done unto you* - karma dictates that we do what we do and we will either pay for our deeds or be rewarded for them in the next life - and almost every person i know learned as a child at their mother's knee that you get more bees with honey than vinegar.
so i go through my life trying my damnedest to do what i can not to hurt anyone else. i know i have failed at this task in the past... and i openly admit it. i've hurt strangers, aquaintences, friends, beloved ones and family. me. not anyone else. not as a consequence for any of their actions. if i hurt someone i may not have realized it but i absolutely was exercising my free will when it happened. it sucks but it's true.
but as much as it sucks i can no longer beat myself about the head for things done and gone. i offer my appologies to anyone i've wronged. accept them or not, here they are. they're yours.
i want so much to move beyond all of the pain and bullshit of my past life, hell that's lives, let's be honest here. and this is a step forward for me.
love me as i am. take me as i stand before you.
i am an imperfect creation in an imperfect world, and i embrace that. in my imperfection i am beautiful. and in my beauty i am seeking my peace.
i don't want a mansion and a yacht. i have no desire for the *rich man's gold*. i am happy with a simple life. i work, i come home, i spend time with my daughter, i spend time with friends i love and spend time missing my other children and grandchild and friends i have left behind on my quest for personal purity.
this isn't a game i'm playing. i'm not doing this for attention. i'm not doing this to make any sort of a point. i do what i do simply because i am doing it.
there are a few of you out there who listen to me rant and rave and who i know on occasion i invade with my eccentric insecurities and sometimes outright attack. know i am sorry. i am doing the best i can to purify these moments from my life and i love you all the more because you stand back and listen and then ask if i feel better - and ask it without a touch of judgement and without trying to attach shame to my spirit.
i don't know the point of this blog except that i have been thinking about my life a lot lately and i need someplace to say the things i need to say. i've been thinking about my ex. i can't help it. i spent more than eleven years wishing i was equal to the task of making us both happy... and in the end i didn't even see that neither of us was. i've been wondering if i will ever lay eyes on him again. i loved him so. i really did... in my own sad, stilted way. i've been thinking about my children, and how very much i love each of them in their uniqueness and beauty... about how the greatest love affair of my life has never been with any man or woman but with them. i've been thinking about my grandson, who i love more than the air i breathe and hoping beyond hope that he does not forget that. i've been thinking about the dearest to me, the handful of friends i have claimed as family... mi famiglia... my beloveds and hoping they know that i love them, hoping beyond hope that they feel my thoughts and prayers and wishes and mojo on the wind and feel my embrace.
*sigh*
i am in love with life.
i have no desire to pass from this world into the next. i'm not ready. my work here is not done.
and i guess my new task is to forgive myself and love you all and hope that whatever the great work is that will come my way i am up to the task.
i'm a good woman. i'm a searching spirit. i am a seeker. i am all i am and no more than that. i am worthy, and beautiful of spirit... and i have to learn to remember that.
ok. before i cry i will close this.
love, love, love... and all the good stuff that makes walking in the rain so beautiful
~s
