Imagination is the only weapon in the war against reality.
Some days there just isn't enough aspirin.
The most recent survey on women showed that 10 percent of the men interviewed liked women with thin legs. Another 15 percent preferred muscular legs. The rest liked something in-between.
I didn't believe in reincarnation the last time, either.
Gravity: It's not just a good idea, it's the law.
A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers,"I can lick any man in the place!"
The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says: "Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this your first time in a gay bar?"
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...
Two women talking, I've given up looking for the ideal man. Now I'm looking for a husband.
If ignorance is bliss, is stupidity orgasmic?
If it works the first time, you screwed up.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
In the battle between you and the world, bet on the world.
If they have music in hell, it will be the blues.
Never have sex with a stranger unless you are stranger than they are.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words - "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
The definition of irreconcilable differences?
When she's melting down her wedding ring to cast it into a bullet.
Scrawled across the dorm wall were the words, "Question Everything!" A couple of days later someone added one word... "Why?"
Alcohol is one of mankind's greatest enemies, but the bible tells us to love our enemies...
I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with the lost.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Thought For The Day
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Happy is the man who can laugh at himself, for he will never cease to be amused.
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid
I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?
I've got a mind like a…a...what's that thing called?
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
I tried to get in touch with my inner child but he isn't allowed to talk to strangers.
Lead me not into temptation, because I can find
it all by myself.
It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
If it's not going according to plan, maybe there ever was a plan.
Reality is the leading cause of stress, for those in touch with it.
