Instructions for PsYchward Mental Health Hotline
We know you can't always get to a computer, but you can always mug some jerk with a cellphone. So soon you will reach the Psychward on the telephone. When we get it up, these will be our instructions. Please check to see if we've got your number.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 until your finger bleeds.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 2.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 2.
If you have short-term memory loss, never mind.
If you are co-dependent, please ask your signifant-co to press 3 for you.
If you have amnesia, press 411 and ask for information.
If you have multiple personalities, press 5 and 6 and 7.
If you are delusional, press 8 and your call will be transferred to the CIA which is already monitoring your calls and your dreams.
If you are paranoid, you may press 9, but it doesn't matter. It is too late. We have already traced your call, and the men in white coats are on their way.
If you have low self esteem, please hold. All of our operators are too busy to talk to you, but this will help reinforce your self-image.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, because you are doomed, doomed, doomed!
If you haven't heard your problem, you can wait for one of our operators, all of whom are participants in our experimental drug testing program and therefore will have little chance of helping you, or you can choose a problem we already have a number for. Press the pound key and the menu will repeat.
