I feel all the damage done... I'm only 27 !!!! and have smoked regularly since 12. (since 17, 20-40 ciggs a day)
I'm not retarded, I've known that my addiction is killing me and how bad the addiction is for me, In fact in my iggnorance for like the last 8 -10 years I've been trying to convince myself to quit by calling them "shit sticks" "cancer sticks" pretty much trying to make myself hate and resent ciggarettes... but you get out of life what you put into it, and in the end the resentment was really being passed right back to me. even though I was trying to do positive for myself I was using negitive tools and energy to accomplish it...
Allmost 10 years I've hated and resented every puff, which I believe have only allowed the effects of smoking to pile up in me more and more... hatred, and resentment only equalls more hatred and resentment, and they are a cancer in themselves, the more conscious of this fact I become, the more I feel that I've been allowing the sickness in, and allowing it to spawn faster and faster. If the damage is done now, there is no point in feeling sorry for myself, and I don't want anyone else to feel sorry for me... I'm justa bit dissapointed that I had to learn the lesson in such a way, I'am however thankful I learned it. and atleast I will not die hugging a pack of ciggarettes or asking for just one more cigg... and that is good enough for me.
I've made my peace, with myself... aswell as trying to help my mother and my friends understand how I see my path, and where I am with in it...
something that may seem retarded to some... is that I've seen this coming since I was about 16 (I think) when I had a "vision quest" that showed
me what was in store for me... I saw myself,,, lie'ng dead, I thought I looked about 35 - 40 in the vision, no circumstances that I could see had caused the death... in an oobe (out of body experience) I came across my body just lying there in a peacefull place, did not look hurt or sick I was just there at peace, dead. I never got the feeling that it was a controllable facter that caused the death... like it was just meant to be that way, and I was just giving myself a heads up.
The vision is a big part of what has shaped the man that I have become, it helped me to see that my soul is eternal, that this physical body and my material wants and needs are not nearly as important as the wants and needs of my soul. I have lived my life and continue to live my life aware of the fact that if I don't deal with the important life lessons, in my past aswell as my future, I know they will be waiting for me when I pass... (you can't run from yourself forever)
Drama is real, karma is real, my soul is real, happiness is real, emotional pain is real and Love is real and I believe that the universe/god/life cares and loves you, and wants you to love yourself aswell as all the fellow humans that we share our existence with.
Put love out into the universe with no expectations...and you may be amazed at how much love the universe will give it back to you.
Happiness is happiness, and money is money don't confuse the two.
I only ask for happiness, to love, to be loved, balance, truth/honesty, understanding... to have a balanced enjoyable life. and I do my best to only project those same things out into the universe aswell as I try to give them freely to my friends. and those are the only things I want from my friends aswell. my friends may never know how much I truly care for and love them and that's OK... it is there if they want to see it.
I hope you did not think this is a self pitty letter or somthing... deffinatly was not my intent... my only intent was to share a personal piece of myself and my path. and if anything more... mabye my friends will see that I'm not asking for pity if I'm talking about my death... I'm just try'n explain how I feel and what I'm going through.
Peace and love to all you groovy humans
(wish me luck with the cigg's it gonna be a long road) :)
