bigdeepmind's blog: "thy great and powerful blog"

What shall I write about today?

Idk.. On Fu I feel like.. some breed of lurker.. in that I mostly don't interact with anybody... or I mean.. as far as getting as far as a conversation is concerned... notable exceptions come around from time to time... but it's mostly in the few and far between category

I guess... what I'm really doing here is like a meditation...  like to consider the subject of mating or something? It's like a thought on my mind.

What I think is... complicated? You know.. we all live in the modern world and so much of our identities, our way of being.. has to do with the world we are living in.. and I feel like our modern world.. is a little bit crazy... and that seems to me to be a thing that complicates things.. in part because of the way it effects.. how we think.. how we are in the world.. and all the other stuff.

I was listening to... this famous psychologist women from.. I guess another generation back.. talking about.. well she didn't frame it as mating.. but like.. problems, lets say, to do with a well lived life.. and how people get on certain tracks.. that regulate certain aspects of the relationships we find ourselves in... and something to do with how these tracks evolve.. lets say.

And this.. and what a friend was saying about how he is on the subject of women.. and then what a women friend said about certian womens issues stuff... it's been like this whole thought I've been thinking about.. for, maybe, a week or so at this point?

Like... there's some kind of new way of looking at the whole subject that is slowly openning up to me.. BUT.. the important word here is "SLOWLY" like.. glatially slowly.

One of the things I see.. and frankly I've known this to be true forever.. that how I think women look at me.. and how women look at me.. are two totally different things.. that have very little relationship to one another.

I see it in men all the time.. and I even see it in men trying to talk about mate slection science.. whom are them selves scientists... where they kinda imagine that the way women select men... is more or less in line with what our masculine ego's think of ourselves... and all I can say is that this has not been my experience at all... 

My ego, relative to the ladies, doesn't have awesome things to say to me.. OR.... it doesn't when it comes to trying to talk to a stranger.. BUT.. I'm not 100% sure this has anything to do with my thing with the ladies.. in that.. talking to strangers in the first place can be.. funky for me? Well I mean I have a certain amount of social anxiety?

But.. like.. I know I have "qualities" that are on the attractive side such that.. if you get to know me a little... you'll see it.. and that's sorta what I rely on.

I think a part of my issue is that my mom was into sales.. and I have certian traumas around this.. and when if I try and talk to a women, who's a stranger, I feel like I'm in sales... and there's something about trying to sell myself that... I'm not really into? OR.... I don't know.

I'm not into sales so much as the real.. and I don't want to sell anyone anything.. maybe with an exception for.. reality.. and or.. I suppose we are always in the business of selling ourselves.. err.. It's just not, for me, a very sales-e style? 

Idk...  

I'm tired enough that I might just post this as is.. like this.. but I feel like I should follow the ideas forward a little more.. to try and get to something a little more interesting.

There's this wierd set of things I've found myself thinking about women... where I think really.. it's a bit like with women what I'm really trying to do is make friends.. maybe that friends that happen to be lovers or something... 

Like I don't want you to think I'm not flithy or whatever.. and or all pure and.. not given to animalistic instinct or something.. it's just that I don't see this as... not aligned to the friend idea... 

I suppose this eventually gets into some kinda bigger conversation that.. I feel too tired really dig into at the moment.. that has something to do with, something like, a war between the sexes so to speak.. this sense that there's a world between us to try and bridge.. and why not try to bridge it.. but I'm saying.. there's always a way to try and bridge it where... I think.. you don't entirely have to sacrifice the animal.. or the friend.. 

Or I mean thats a thing I aim at anyway?

I don't know.. I really am tired though... err, wonder what I should name this?