I just noticed my FUBAR Horoscope (FUBroscope?) for today. Sagittarius. It says:
"You need to recharge your emotional batteries and it's a great time to close your office or bedroom door for a while and just sink into solitude. The mood shouldn't last for very long if you treat it right!"
OK, solitude it is. I really didn't need the stars to tell me to recharge either. I guess now and then, even a blind squirrel finds an acorn if he tries hard enough. So then is the horoscope.
Solitude is my greatest asset. It keeps me insulated from interference by the outside world. It's like sports, if you don't play, surely you won't get hurt. Mood has nothing to do with it.
I am a social animal. I truly enjoy being around people for the most part. I am also lucky, many people like me too. I have been sort of a "Renaissance Man" my whole life, always something new to learn, some new thing to divert me. I soak up everything I can learn, no matter how obscure or unpopular it might be.
My tagline could be "Renaissance Man? Or Mr. Know-it-all?" I always win at Trivial Pursuit, I can hold my own in nearly any conversation, I win bets on results of google searches, and I also have a set of opinions that I normally try to keep to myself.
People come to me to confide things; I always keep my mouth shut and honor the trust. Somehow, I make people feel better and give them hope. I know it's not my great wisdom, but I do have a calming manner that rubs off on others. I know a lot of stuff about other people I wish I didn't know LOL. Most times - I know not how - I give them hope and a point of view that makes their pain & misery tolerable.
It seems to be my purpose in life. Not to be "best friends" but to be the sounding board and confidant. It makes for a lot of intense conversation, long phone calls, and mega-emails, but I still find myself in solitude. A lot.
I can't really complain, my outlet is photography, and it requires a lot of time and tedium to do it well. I do best when alone, others bore easily with me taking 15 different exposures for one small subject. Nobody wants to watch me sort, edit, and render images after the fact either, not exciting at all. But I find these things satisfying and challenging. Maybe because I have time on my hands already, but I don't just sit around and wring my hands in worry about why am I so alone.
I also find writing coherent sentences and forming them together into thoughtful groups to be challenging and rewarding as well. I do most of my "blogging" as a journal or diary, to remember important details about people or events. Sometimes I share them in my 3 blog spaces.
I always remind myself that I am not an island. To steal from Paul Simon:
I am a rock, I am an island
I have my books and my poetry to protect me.
I am shielded in my armor.
Hiding in my room, safe within this womb
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock, I am an island
And a rock feels no pain
An island never cries
Perhaps some day the tears I hide will form me into an island. Pain can be ignored or put aside. But solitude and disappointment as a way of life is sad.
Why do I continue to smile? Why do I laugh and share my laugh with others? I do what I must. It is who I am. It would seem that after 55 years I would be adapted to my life, but, as I mentioned before, I am always looking forward.
Someday I will find my now.
Thanks for reading, peace be with you all.
C
