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Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were
promptly stopped by a policeman who said, "What do you think you are
doing? What if you have an accident?"
The priests say, "Don't worry, my son. Jesus is with us."
The policeman says, "In that case, I have to book you. Three people are
not allowed to ride on a motorcycle."
I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car
windows to make sure my Labrador retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out
on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.
I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying
emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. "I don't know about
you, lady," he said incredulously. "But I usually just put my car in
park."
A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in
the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato,"
said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.
"No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that
one."
The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies
for that one?"
"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two
cents."
"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the
farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."
Four-year-old Mitch loved candy almost as much as his mom
Ann did. He and Daddy had given her a beautiful heart-shaped box of chocolates
for Valentine's Day. A few days later Mitch was eyeing it, wishing to have a
piece of it. As he reached out to touch one of the big pieces, Ann said to him,
"If you touch it, then you have to eat it. Do you understand?"
"Oh, yes," he said, nodding his head. Suddenly his little hand patted
the tops of all the pieces of candy. "Now I can eat them all."
Q. If a bear in Yosemite, and one in Alaska fall into water, which one would
dissolve faster?
A. The bear in Alaska
because it's polar.
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and
Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother seeing the opportunity for a moral lesson, said, "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the
first pancake. I can wait.'"
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch,
the psychiatrist began his therapy session.
"I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps,
you should start at the very beginning."
"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created
the Heavens and the Earth..."
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were traveling
through Scotland
when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
"Aha," says the engineer, "I see that Scottish sheep are
black."
"Hmm," says the physicist, "You mean that some Scottish sheep
are black."
"No," says the mathematician, "All we know is that there is at
least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is
black!"
Perhaps you've heard of the man who thought he was dead? In
reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his
family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he
was still alive.
Nothing seemed to work.
Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and
proceeded to show the patient that dead men don't bleed. After hours of tedious
study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed.
"Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked.
"Yes, I do," the patient replied.
"Very well, then," the doctor said.
He took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came a trickle of
blood.
The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?"
"Oh my goodness!" the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at
his finger ... "Dead men do bleed!!"
