Baby Wrap
Part of my job as a public-health nurse is teaching new parents how to care for their infants.
As I was demonstrating how to wrap a newborn, a young Asian couple turned to me and said, "You mean we should wrap the baby like an egg roll?"
"Yes," I replied, "That is a good analogy."
"I don't know how to make egg rolls," another mother said anxiously. "Can I wrap my baby like a burrito?"
Emergency Call
Dad's pager went off, summoning him to the hospital, where he is an anesthetist. As he raced toward the hospital, a patrol car sped up behind him--lights flashing.
Dad hung his stethoscope out the window to signal that he was on an emergency call.
Within seconds, came the police officer's hand in response, dangling a pair of handcuffs out the window.
Second Notice
A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.
"Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."
Football Wedding
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.
One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"
The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."
"What do you call it?"
"We call it a football wedding."
The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"
The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
You Might Be a Redneck If...
- You smoke during your deer hunt after scent-proofing yourself all month.
- A tornado goes through your trailer's yard and makes it look neater.
- You've got to shuck your toilet paper before you use it.
- You have an autographed picture of Bob Barker in your wallet.
- You think "Meals on Wheels" is another name for roadkill.
- You shot your own 12 point coat rack.
- You've been to the emergency room more than 3 times for mashing the wrong end of a thumb tack.
- The number of times you've seen either Elvis or a UFO exceeds your I.Q.
New Principal
As a new school principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day.
Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day. The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox.
Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?"
The Custodian looked at him gravely... "We trust them with the children, don't we?"
Space Monkeys
NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with two monkeys and an astronaut. They trained them for months. Then when they thought they were ready, they placed all three in the shuttle and got ready to send them up into space.
As the moment came closer NASA's mission control center announced, "This is mission control to Monkey One. Initiate!"
At that the first monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle's engines ignited and the shuttle took off.
Two hours later NASA's mission control center announced, "This is mission control to Monkey Two. Initiate!"
At that the second monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle separated from the empty fuel tanks.
Another two hours later mission control announced, "This is mission control to the astronaut..."
At this the astronaut responded "I know, I know. Feed the monkeys and don't touch anything."
Kiss Per Yard
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
Heaven Bound
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"
A Preacher Buys a Parrot
A preacher is buying a parrot.
"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.
"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.
"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."
"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"
"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot.
Knowing Where to Put It
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines.
They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.
They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:
"One chalk mark $1. Knowing where to put it $49,999"
Chin Chin
Chin-Chin the panda was on trial for entering a New York City restaurant, eating dinner, pulling out a machine gun, and shooting out the windows and doors. The judge looked at Chin-Chin's lawyer and proclaimed, "Thirty eyewitnesses saw your client pay for dinner, shoot up the place, and leave. Security cameras caught the entire incident on video. I have no choice but to sentence your client ..."
"Wait a second, your honor," said the lawyer, "My client may be guilty, but there are extenuating circumstances. He couldn't help his behavior that night, and if you look up the word 'panda' in the dictionary, you'll have no choice but to agree."
The judge was puzzled, but he had his secretary bring his dictionary into court. There, under the letter P, he found; "PANDA: Black and white bear from China that eats shoots and leaves."
That's Not It
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again.
This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
It's a Girl!
Stationed in Okinawa, Japan, my son and his wife were expecting their first baby. I was elated when he called me at work with the news of my grandchild's birth. I took down all the statistics and turned to relate it all to my co-workers.
"I'm a grandmother!" I declared. "It's a baby girl, and she weighs five pounds."
"When was she born?" someone asked.
Recalling the date my son told me, I stopped, looked at the calendar, and said in amazement, "Tomorrow!"
