You know what ruins sex for a lot of people? The letters to Penthouse magazine. Have you ever read them? Me neither, but a friend of mine did and he told me...
What they have are letteres written by presumably normal people like ourselves, and we read them and go, "Where does this happen? I've never heard anything like this. I'VE picked up hitchhikers, they didn't do any of that. They just got out of the car when we got there and left."
And all these boasting figures: "I've never considered myself big, but at eleven inches..." Oh come on, My LEG is eleven inches. They don't realize I want these letteres to be true. I'm rooting for them. And if it doesn't sound exactly true, I'll bend the truth. I'll work around it, give them the benefit of the doubt. Because they start off normal enough:
"I went down to get the mail, but to my surprise, the regular mailman had been replaced by a beautiful blonde woman..." Okay, that's not crazy. Why not? A blond person delivers his mail- maybe he lives in Milwaukee, heavy Scandinavian population...
"...It was a hot day, she came inside, I offered her a drink, she took off her shirt..." Okay, that's not crazy. It's hot, maybe she had that shirt-sticking-to-your - back-thing going on, so she HAD to take it off...so far, he's not lying.
"...We had a few drinks, suddenly one thing led to another, and we were all over each other. I was here, she was there...we were touching, we were rubbing, we were biting..Suddenly, my neighbor, a bikini model who was recnetly widowed, comes in and SHE gets in the action, too..." Alright. Maybe the neighbor was concerned. She heard the furniture being tossed about, she was alarmed. She comes in, they're naked, she's dressed - she was embarrassed. No one likes to be overdressed. So she strips down and gets in there, too. So far, he's writing an honest letter..
"...We're touching, we're moving, and these three cheerleaders were coming home from practice..." Whos to say he DOESN"T live near a high school?
"...Now the six of us are rolling around my BarcaLounger.." And then he goes too far. "...And after nine hours, we took a shower and did it again." YOU DID NOT! You did nothing of the kind. Why can't you just be honest? "After nine hours, I had a heart attack and almost died." Then, I could have sympathy for the guy. "Well, sure you got hurt, look what you tried to do . That's too much." Just be honest. That's all. ---Couplehood by Paul Reiser (it's a very funny book, read it!)
