MEDICAL INSURANCE EXPLAINED
Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase , "HEY MOE." Its
roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who
discovered that a patient could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he
was poked hard enough in the eye . (Or the shock of his/her co-pay)
Q. I just joined an HMO . How difficult will it be to choose the
doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents . Your
insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan .
The doctors basically fall into two categories: those who are no longer
accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer
participating in the plan . But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is
still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's
drive away and a diploma from a third world country .
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment .
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment .
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name
brand . I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomachache.
What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye .
Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick ?
A. You really shouldn't do that .
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can
handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart
transplant right in his/her office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20
co-payment, there's no harm in giving it a shot .
Q. Will health care be different in the next decade?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by
then .
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is
this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your
heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the
life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay
and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat
chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of
vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled
wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even
more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No
Pain...Good !
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING !!! ... Foods are fried these days in
vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more
vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around
the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the
best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about medical insurance, food and diets.
And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid
in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!!"
