Mizzieb's blog: "Mizzieb's Blogs"

SMART ASS ANSWER #6 It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied. SMART ASS ANSWER #5 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub." SMART ASS ANSWER #4 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead" SMART ASS ANSWER #3 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. SMART ASS ANSWER #2 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006 A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can. Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both wives lost their children while living in the White House. Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both Presidents were shot in the head Now it gets really weird. Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln. Both were assassinated by Southerners. Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.. John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939. Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names are composed of fifteen letters. Now hang on to your seat. Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.' Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln' made by 'Ford.' Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse. Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater. Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials. And here's the kicker... A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe. Creepy huh?

Gold Star Mothers is an organization made up of women whose sons were killed in military combat during service in the United States Armed Forces. Recently a delegation of New York State Gold Star Mothers made a trip to Washington , DC , to discuss various concerns with their elected Representatives. According to published reports, there was only one politician who refused to meet with these ladies. Can you guess which politician that might be? Was it New York Senator Charles Schumer? Nope, he met with them. Try again. Do you know anyone serving in the Senate who has never showed anything but contempt for our military? Do you happen to know the name of any politician in Washington who's husband once wrote of his loathing for the military? Now you're getting warm! You got it! None other than the Queen herself, Hillary Rotten Clinton She refused repeated requests to meet with the Gold Star Mothers. Now, please don't tell me you're Surprised. This woman wants to be President of the United States --- and there is a huge percentage of Voters who are eager to help her achieve that goal. May you sleep in peace always...and please....hug or thank a Veteran for that privilege. Think about this one !!! Don't forget, our girl, Hillary Rodham Clinton, as a New York Senator, now comes under this fancy congressional Retirement and Staffing Plan. It's common knowledge that, in order for her to establish NYS residency, they purchased a million+ dollar house in upscale Chappaqua , NY Makes sense. Now, they are entitled to Secret Service protection for life. Still makes sense. Here is where it becomes interesting. The mortgage payments hover at about $10,000 per month. BUT, an extra residency had to be built within the acreage in order to house the Secret Service agents.. The Clinton's now charge the Secret Service $10,000 monthly rent for the use of said Secret Service residence and that rent is just about equal to their mortgage payment, meaning that we, the tax payers, are paying the Clinton 's mortgage, their transportation, their safety and security, their 12 man staff, and it's all perfectly legal. Sincerely, Cdr. Hamilton McWhorter USN (ret) PS: Please forward this to as many people as you can. We don't want this woman to even think of running for President. So, just how many people can you send this to? It will take no more than 2 minutes. Thanks

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER: 1. Sag, You're It 2. Hide and Go Pee 3. 20 Questions shouted into your good ear 4. Kick the Bucket 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse says Bend Over 6. Musical Recliners 7. Simon Says Something Incoherent 8. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE: 1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale. 2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them. 3. You change your underwear after a sneeze. OLD IS WHEN: 1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. 3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today. 4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot. 5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee! THOUGHTS FOR THE WEEKEND: Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over? Just remember..if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. But Most Of All, Remember ! A Good Friend is Like a Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, and Always Close to Your Heart!

One Flaw In Women Women have strengths that amaze men. They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up to injustice. They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They go without so their family can have. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart. Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors. They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning. They bring joy, hope and love. They have compassion and ideas. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have vital things to say and everything to give. HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

Years ago, I was enthralled as I listened to a pastor who for several years had faithfully served the church. His executive responsibilities had taken him all over this country. As he concluded his message, he told of one of the most frightening yet thought-provoking experiences of his life. He had been on a long flight from one place to another. The first warning of the approaching problems came when the sign on the airplane flashed on Fasten your seat belts. Then, after a while, a calm voice said, "We shall not be serving the beverages at this time as we are expecting a little turbulence. Please be sure your seat belt is fastened" As he looked around the aircraft, it became obvious that many of the passengers were becoming apprehensive. Later, the voice of the announcer said, "We are so sorry that we are unable to serve the meal at this time. The turbulence is still ahead of us." And then the storm broke. The ominous cracks of thunder could be heard even above the roar of the engines. Lightning lit up the darkening skies, and within moments that great plane was like a cork tossed around on a celestial ocean. One moment the airplane was lifted on terrific currents of air; the next, it dropped as if it were about to crash. The pastor confessed that he shared the discomfort and fear of those around him. He said, "As I looked around the plane, I could see that nearly all the passengers were upset and alarmed. Some were praying. The future seemed ominous and many were wondering if they would make it through the storm. Then, I suddenly saw a little girl. Apparently the storm meant nothing to her! She had tucked her feet beneath her as she sat on her seat; she was reading a book and everything within her small world was calm and orderly. Sometimes she closed her eyes, then she would read again; then she would straighten her legs, but worry and fear were not in her world. When the plane was being buffeted by the terrible storm, when it lurched this way and that, as it rose and fell with frightening severity, when all the adults were scared half to death, that marvelous child was completely composed and unafraid. The minister could hardly believe his eyes. It was not surprising therefore, that when the plane finally reached its destination and all the passengers were hurrying to disembark, our pastor lingered to speak to the girl whom he had watched for such a long time. Having commented about the storm and behavior of the plane, he asked why she had not been afraid. The child replied, "Cause my Daddy's the pilot, and he's taking me home." There are many kinds of storms that buffet us. Physical, mental, financial, domestic, and many other storms can easily and quickly darken our skies and throw our plane spinning out of control. We have all known such times, and let us be honest and confess, it is much easier to be at rest when our feet are on the ground than when we are being tossed about a darkened sky. Just remember: Our Father is the Pilot. He is in control and taking us home!

The following questions and answers were actually collected from S.A.T. tests given to 16-year-old students! (Don't laugh too hard----these kids are the future leaders of America!) Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by sky. Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election. Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death. Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow. Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U. Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie. Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby. Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section." A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome. Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor. Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport. Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas. Q: What does the word "benign" mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight. Q: What is a turbine? A: Something an Arab wears on his head. Q: What is a Hindu? A: It lays eggs.

A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class. She presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is classic! 1. Don't change horses.............................until they stop running. 2. Strike while the......................................bug is close. 3. It's always darkest before......................Daylight Saving Time. 4. Never underestimate the power of........termites 5. You can lead a horse to water but........how? 6. Don't bite the hand that.........................looks dirty. 7. No news is.............................................impossible. 8. A miss is as good as a...........................Mr. 9. You can't teach an old dog new............math. 10. If you lie down with dogs you'll.............stink in the morning. 11. Love all, trust.......................................me. 12. The pen is mightier than the................pig. 13. An idle mind is.....................................the best way to relax. 14. Where there's smoke there's...............pollution. 15. Happy the bride who..........................gets all the presents. 16. A penny saved is................................not much. 17. Two's company, three's......................the Musketeers. 18. Don't put off till tomorrow what...........you put on to go to bed. 19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry...........and you have to blow your nose. 20. There are none so blind as................ Stevie Wonder. 21. Children should be seen and not.......spanked or grounded. 22. If at first you don't succeed.................get new batteries. 23. You get out of something only what you..........see in the picture on the box. 24. When the blind lead the blind.............get out of the way! and the WINNER is---- 25. Better late..........than pregnant!

A wealthy man and his son loved to collect rare works of art. They had everything in their collection, from Picasso to Raphael. They would often sit together and admire the great works of art. When the Vietnam conflict broke out, the son went to war. He was very courageous and died in battle while rescuing another soldier. The father was notified and grieved deeply for his only son. About a month later, just before Christmas, there was a knock at the door. A young man stood at the door with a large package in his hands. He said, "Sir, you don't know me, but I am the soldier for whom your son gave his life. He saved many lives that day, and he was carrying me to safety when a bullet struck him in the heart and he died instantly. He often talked about you, and your love for art." The young man held out this package. "I know this isn't much. I'm not really a great artist, but I think your son would have wanted you to have this." The father opened the package. It was a portrait of his son, painted by the young man. He stared in awe at the way the soldier had captured the personality of his son in the painting. The father was so drawn to the eyes that his own eyes welled up with tears. He thanked the young man and offered to pay him for the picture. "Oh, no sir, I could never repay what your son did for me. It's a gift." The father hung the portrait over his mantle. Every time visitors came to his home he took them to see the portrait of his son before he showed them any of the other great works he had collected. The man died a few months later. There was to be a great auction of his paintings. Many influential people gathered, excited over seeing the great paintings and having an opportunity to purchase one for their collection. On the platform sat the painting of the son. The auctioneer pounded his gavel. "We will start the bidding with this picture of the son.. Who will bid for this picture?" There was silence. Then a voice in the back of the room shouted, "We want to see the famous paintings.. Skip this one." But the auctioneer persisted. "Will somebody bid for this painting. Who will start the bidding? $100, $200?" Another voice angrily. "We didn't come to see this painting. We came to see the Van Goghs, the Rembrandts. Get on with the real bids!" But still the auctioneer continued. "The son! The son! Who'll take the son?" Finally, a voice came from the very back of the room. It was the longtime gardener of the man and his son. "I'll give $10 for the painting." Being a poor man, it was all he could afford. "We have $10, who will bid $20?" "Give it to him for $10. Let's see the masters." "$10 is the bid, won't someone bid $20?" The crowd was becoming angry. They didn't want the picture of the son. They wanted the more worthy investments for their collections. The auctioneer pounded the gavel. "Going once, twice, SOLD for $10!" A man sitting on the second row shouted, "Now let's get on with the collection!" The auctioneer laid down his gavel. "I'm sorry, the auction is over." "What about the paintings?" "I am sorry. When I was called to conduct this auction, I was told of a secret stipulation in the will. I was not allowed to reveal that stipulation until this time. Only the painting of the son would be auctioned. Whoever bought that painting would inherit the entire estate, including the paintings. The man who took the son gets everything!" God gave His son 2,000 years ago to die on the cross. Much like the auctioneer, His message today is: "The son, the son, who'll take the son?" Because, you see, whoever takes the Son gets everything. FOR GOD SO LOVED THE WORLD HE GAVE HIS ONLY BEGOTTEN SON, WHO SO EVER BELIEVETH, SHALL HAVE ETERNAL LIFE...THAT'S LOVE

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me. How come we choose from just two people to run for President and over fifty for Miss America? A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!" I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk." Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !! Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison? Wouldn't you know it... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells live forever. Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside? Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier" And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.