Mizzieb's blog: "Mizzieb's Blogs"

Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted. Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one Can Die. Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him Without An erection, make him a sandwich. Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a Person To use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for Anything, But you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the Stairs. Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in Hospitals Dying of nothing. Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no Attention to criticism Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars, And A substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents? Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now The World is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006 : We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal Immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this >>country >> lately; illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, wild >>animals >> attacking humans in Florida. >> Not me. I concentrate on solutions to problems. The result >>is a >> win-win-win situation: >> + Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border >> + Use the dirt to raise the levies in New Orleans >> + Put the Florida alligators in the moat. >> >> Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?

Come with me to a third grade classroom..... There is a nine-year-old kid sitting at his desk and all of a sudden, there is a puddle between his feet and the front of his pants are wet. He thinks his heart is going to stop because he cannot possibly imagine how this has happened. It's never happened before, and he knows that when the boys find out he will never hear the end of it. When the girls find out, they'll never speak to him again as long as he lives. The boy believes his heart is going to stop; he puts his head down and prays this prayer, "Dear God, this is an emergency! I need help now! Five minutes from now I'm dead meat." He looks up from his prayer and here comes the teacher w ith a look in her eyes that says he has been discovered. As the teacher is walking toward him, a classmate named Susie is carrying a goldfish bowl that is filled with water. Susie trips in front of the teacher and inexplicably dumps the bowl of water in the boy's lap. The boy pretends to be angry, but all the while is saying to himself, "Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Lord!" Now all of a sudden, instead of being the object of ridicule, the boy is the object of sympathy. The teacher rushes him downstairs and gives him gym shorts to put on while his pants dry out. All the other children are on their hands and knees cleaning up around his desk. The sympathy is wonderful. But as life would have it, the ridicule that should have been his has been transferred to someone else - Susie. She tries to help, but they tell her to get out. "You've done enough, you klutz!" Finally, at the end of the day, as they are waiting for the bus, the boy walks over to Susie and whispers, "You did that on purpose, didn't you?" Susie whispers back, "I wet my pants once too." May God help us see the opportunities that are always around us to do good. Remember.....Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car. Each and everyone one of us is going through tough times right now, but God is getting ready to bless you in a way that only He can. Keep the faith.

1. Cows 2. The Constitution and 3. The Ten Commandments Cows - Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a single cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to,their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow. The Constitution - They kept talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq . Why didn''t we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart people, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore. The Ten Commandments - The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery", and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment

I didn't know! How could we? Did you know that 47 countries' have reestablished Did you know that the Iraqi government currently employs 1.2 million Iraqi people? Did you know that 3100 schools have been renovated, 364 schools are under rehabilitation, 263 new schools are now under construction and 38 new schools have been completed in Iraq? Did you know that Iraq's higher educational structure consists of 20 Universities, 46 Institutes or colleges and 4 research centers, all currently operating? Did you know that 25 Iraq students departed for the United States in January 2005 for the re-established Fulbright program? Did you know that the Iraqi Navy is operational? They have 5 - 100-foot patrol craft, 34 smaller vessels and a naval infantry regiment. Did you know that Iraq's Air Force consists of three operational squadrons, which includes 9 reconnaissance and 3 US C-130 transport aircraft (under Iraqi operational control) which operate day and night, and will soon add 16 UH-1 helicopters and 4 Bell Jet Rangers? Did you know that Iraq has a counter-terrorist unit and a Commando Battalion? Did you know that the Iraqi Police Service has over 55,000 fully trained and equipped police officers? Did you know that there are 5 Police Academies in Iraq that produce over 3500 new officers each 8 weeks? Did you know there are more than 1100 building projects going on in Iraq? They include 364 schools, 67 public clinics, 15 hospitals, 83 railroad stations, 22 oil facilities, 93 water facilities and 69 electrical facilities. Did you know that 96% of Iraqi children under the age of 5 have received the first 2 series of polio vaccinations? Did you know that 4.3 million Iraqi children were enrolled in primary school by mid October? Did you know that there are 1,192,000 cell phone subscribers in Iraq and phone use has gone up 158%? Did you know that Iraq has an independent media that consists of 75 radio stations, 180 newspapers and 10 television stations? Did you know that the Baghdad Stock Exchange opened in June of 2004? Did you know that 2 candidates in the Iraqi presidential election had a televised debate recently? OF COURSE WE DIDN'T KNOW! WHY DIDN'T WE KNOW? OUR MEDIA WOULDN'T TELL US! Instead of reflecting our love for our country, we get photos of flag burning incidents at Abu Ghraib and people throwing snowballs at the presidential motorcades. Tragically, the lack of accentuating the positive in Iraq serves two purposes: It is intended to undermine the world's perception of the United States thus minimizing consequent support, and it is intended to discourage American citizens. ---- Above facts are verifiable on the Department of Defense web site. ......Pass it on! Give it a Wide Dissemination Clarence White

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!" LOUD SEX A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!" QUIET SEX Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!" CONFOUNDED SEX A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small", $6,500 for "medium", $14,000 for "large". The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen." WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last'." WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX My husband came home with a tube of K-Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in. ELDERLY SEX One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor "assisted living apartment" .. Killing him instantly. Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex. He could fly." = Inside every old person is a young person wondering what the hell happened !!

SCRABBLE This has got to be one of the most clever E-mails I've received in awhile. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one!) DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: &nbs p; THEY SEE GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE THE MORSE CODE : When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: &n bsp; TWELVE PLUS ONE AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER Yep! Someone with way too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law)

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator. 6. You watch the Weather Channel. 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up." 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." 10. You're the one calling the police because those f%&@ing kids next door won't turn down the stereo. 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. 14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers. 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 16. You take naps. 17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. 18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. 19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests. 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit." 21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again." 23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar. 25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh shit what the hell happened?" Bonus: 26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > Man who run in front of car get tired. > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > Man who run behind car get exhausted. > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > Man with one chopstick go hungry. > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk. > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth. > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~* > War does not determine who is right; war determine who is left. > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > Man who fart in church sit in own pew. > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > Crowded elevator smell different to midget. > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

1. You walka pasta DA bakery. 2. You walka pasta DA candy store. 3. You walka pasta DA ice cream shop. 4. You walka pasta DA table and fridge. You will lose weight! For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.