My mother used to remind me of Carolyn Burnham, the mother character from the movie "American Beauty." Even though the woman, played by Annette Benning, is a contemptible representative of Americana circa the late 90's, I never made the connection between her and my mother with any contempt. I was just aware of a professional ambition that catered to a pretense for fake presentation. Never in a million years would my mother admit her superficiality in earnest, but I sensed that her maudlin marriage to my father always seemed fragile and combustible in her opinion unless a spotless image was maintained. I inherited her need to be accepted. It's not something I am proud of, yet it can feel consuming. That's one of those things I would have difficulty saying out loud, but purging of it through writing seems safer, even if I know anybody could read it. Living with a cut-and-paste social network down here, I feel even less burdened by it. My mother has gained persepective over the years. She's a brilliant woman. She can be self-depricating in her regrets of not going to college. She attended nursing school, but deep down, I don't believe that she considers those years on par with "college." After her divorce with my father, she went back to work. Initially she resumed her career as an RN at a local OBGYN. Mom's always been a saint when it's come to children. Her heart busts open when an infant or toddler enters a room. We'd be in conversation and her eyes would drift to the youngster. Her connection sometimes led her to deep pain at work. She'd aid mothers who couldn't have children without the help of artificial insemination. Many mothers would endure the hardships of unsuccessful trials or miscarriages. This took a toll on my mother. Finally the clinic began making budget cuts and preemptively she began searching for another job. Through a friend's connection, even with a lack of sales experience, she got hired for Bristol Meyer Squibb in pharmaceutical sales. What she lacked in organization and experience she made up for with determination and incredible people skills. Working admingst MBA Harvard grads and young bucks attacking the field, she quickly jumped up the pinnacle ladder. Pinnacle, being the major selling incentive for the company. Those who had numbers within the top fifteen per region went on business vacations to Hawaii, Italy, Cruises, etc. In two years, she was consistently winning these awards. She had a knack for the job. She thrived. Over the years she acquired impressive organizational skills, a supportive husband, and a proud son. She even became interested in politics, launching her opinions and intiating discussions with me that we never could have had before. Maybe I've grown up a bit, but it can't be mistaken that she's grown too. She's taught me, through her actions, that no matter what stage of your life you are in, you can always change and become who you want to be. Who you see yourself as. Nothing's perfect. We still have our disagreements. I haven't talked to her in two days because I'm avoiding a responsibility to sign a paper that she needs to fax to me. I do love her. I've never been a momma's boy. But it will crush me if I were to lose her. I love you mom.
