**_MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU_**
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 _repeatedly_.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay
on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded
to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will
tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, hang up. It doesn't matter which
number you press. Nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep.
Or before the beep. Or after the beep.
But please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too
busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan,
lie down, and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons. You'll just mess
everything up.
This coming week is** ****National Mental Health Care** week.
You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one
un-stable person to show you care. I've done my part. Now it's
your turn.
